It might be hard to racially profile a black governor.

Second-place Democratic gubernatorial candidate and radical Leftist Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks picked up the endorsement of 28 Alabama sheriffs this week.

Strange how lawmen might be attracted to an impressively mustachioed white gentlemen…

Other upcoming endorsements: Dr. Robert Bentley will be endorsed by 13 older, bored Tuscaloosa doctors, Roy Moore will be endorsed by 45 Southern Baptist preachers who also agree that things ain’t Jesus like they used to be, and Kay Ivey will be endorsed by a lobby of vicious animals that kill good things off of unknowing, mindless instinct…

Five-yard penalty, re-play First Down.

We apologize for the meekness of our return. Our last two weeks have been difficulty harried — not in the Secret Girlfriend we-have-funny-slacker-friends-and-have-hot-sex-with-hot-chicks-all-the-time-19-year-old-fratboy-life-fantasy harried*, but legitimate, important life stuff that chose the worst weeks possible and delayed our execution of our surprisingly well-laid plans.

There will be posting on Friday — we think — but things will kick off properly on Monday to begin our markedly mentally ill overarching plan for the next few months’ worth of blogging. Again, expect two to three days of updating per week from now until further notice.

Think of this week a lot like the NFL preseason — a test drive of the team before the real, meaningful games begin. You play with some new ideas, you’re reminded that the Lions still suck, you get a surprisingly honest grade on what the Panthers’ season will look like, and you are delighted to learn that Larry Langford in a sombrero is as funny as it sounds.

Oh, and hopefully this will be the last time you read us talking to you directly for a long, long time…

*We are have become frighteningly obsessed with this show and its brilliant awfulness. If we are the star of the show, why is our living situation so murky — weren’t we living separately from our two friends in one episode, but now we are for some unexplained reason? Why do hot women find us so attractive and always want to have amazing and inventive sex with us anyway? Is it a relative thing — you know, because apparently we’re incapable of making male friends who can’t be described by the adjective “puggish”? Why is it our friends are the only ones who seem to have jobs? What do we and our hot pseudo-girlfriend do for a living that gives us so much time and disposable income to have keg parties and visit strip clubs in the middle of the week? Wait, is this show exclusively set on weekends? Because you know that would make sense. And why does it seem like our life is being scripted by writers who are coming up with increasingly contrived reasons to keep our crazy ex-girlfriend around? Is it that hard to get a restraining order in California, or do we not have the time or money to do it because we’re too busy drinking with our friends and fucking hot chicks? And why are we so accommodating to her — like when we drove her home instead of finishing that hot chick in the shower after she’d stormed off? Perhaps we take some sick pleasure from hearing her shout “WHORE-FUCKER” in each of these neatly capsulized adventures of our life?

And wouldn’t our life be better broadcast on premium cable where our wild sexcapades could be more fully appreciated?

These questions demand answers, dammit!

On the Birmingham mayor’s race.

Guest post by Terry Tangforde
A Birmingham political expert who is not criminally convicted former Mayor Larry Langford in a sombrero

"Let's do something -- Mexican!"

There are a lot of  candidates who are runnin’ for mayor! I didn’t think there needed to be much of a change, but then again, I’m not the one that the federal government treated like Birmingham Mayor Black Jeffrey Dahmer Hitler. Because I’m not Larry Langford.

But there’s a lot of candidates who could be runnin’. There’s Carole Smitherman, who has no vision. I think she might be blind! I once waved a spending–I mean, a Twinkie in front of her and she didn’t immediately pass that Twinkie! No one can resist the Twinkie! Twinkies are always delicious and important for Birmingham’s future! Even when they cost $14 million annually!

And then there’s Patrick Cooper, who needs to mind his own business! It don’t matter where a man watches his NFL Sunday Ticket or sleeps each night or has established residence if he has the experience and vision to be mayor of a great city! Not that I have any experience with anything like that. My possibly Mexican parents probably did. I think! My childhood is rocky and unclear and makes me long for nice clothes!

And Richard Arrington’s dead!

But the people of Birmingham need to think nicer and bolder and bigger to in their choice for fake-mayor-who-shouldn’t-be-put-in-charge-because-the-old-one-wasn’t-that-bad-and-is-praying-and-crying-about-going-to-jail-pretty-much-every-other-minute-now! They need a leader who’s gonna watch over them, be silent and imposin’, and light their way in their darkest night!

City needs to elect Vulcan!

Cognitive dissidence.

With Birmingham Mayor  and Former JeffCo Commission President Larry Langford’s conviction last week for having wealthy men buy him nice clothes* and the four other former commissioners convicted on corruption charges in recent years, Jefferson County Commissioners say they are tired of people thinking they’re corrupt.

Commissioner/Associate Dumbass Jim Carns says the perception makes it hard to solve the $4,771 trillion sewer debt problem that has the county regularly on the verge of either financially blowing its brains out or selling shit-pots to the State’s retirement fund:

There’s been a morph­ing of all county commis­sioners into one big pic­ture of dishonesty.

Commission President/Lead Jackass Bettye Fine Collins:

There is no doubt that, be­cause of things that have happened, we have suffered for things we are not re­sponsible for. It casts a shadow over all.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but the reason people don’t like or take the County Commission seriously is because you’re asses.

Changing teams.

State GOP Chairman Mike Hubbard, an asshole, says he is working to woo Democratic legislators to run as Republicans.

Democratic Chairman Joe Turnham, who is probably an asshole in his own right too, denies this. But what incentives have Republicans offered the State’s Dems to switch over?

• Twenty percent more loved by Christ. The American Christ.
• Still get to oppose Troy King’s re-election campaign.
• Allowed to be conservative and selfish without fulfilling passing need to care about these alleged “poor people.”
• Less time spent around Alvin Holmes.
• Ability to enjoy Fox News’ ritzy production values without feeling dirty.
• Access to George Wallace’s pickled balls — unseen by Democrats since Governor Bob Riley’s election in 2002 — and their unbelievable ability to restore sexual potency and win the black vote no matter what you do to them.
• Allowed use of the latest racist code words worked up in the RNC Labs.
• “Mulligans” on any and all abortions they may have been involved in previously to come in line with party philosophy. Especially includes past Education Trust Fund budgets passed by the Legislature.
• Twinkle Cavanaugh.
• Don’t have to worry about their party fielding a black candidate for Governor. Ever.

Bandages and apologies.

Because of outside conflicts, posting will be a tad be slower than we had planned when we actually “planned” our return for today. You’ll get the “Where the hell the Cockfight Family has been” post tomorrow or Wednesday. Our bad for leaving your life so unfulfilled.

But yes, we are back and we are not dead. Updating will be a little slow — two or three days a week  — for the foreseeable future.

Enjoy.

Herald #7.

Herald #6.

Herald #5.

Herald #4.

He did something.

Guest post by Larry Langford
Criminally convicted, forcefully removed Birmingham Mayor

"Let's do something!"

I tell you all that trial did was interrupt my Bible studyin’ for two weeks just like those gays tried to do with their walkin’ down the street but it’s important that I get my Bible studyin’ in because I gotta learn how to die and come back to life nine or ten more times to finish off all 805 years this here jury has convicted me of because I bet they all went to the Birmingham Zoo while they was sequestered and they saw that there wasn’t no expansion because of the Cycle of Stupidity and that’s ’cause the council is shortsighted because they say we don’t have no money because they refuse to accept we can make money with a few McDonald’s napkins, some Sharpie’s, and a few of those really nice colored pencils they sell at Hobby Lobby not Walmart because our city deserves better and I’ll show them that in prison by forming an Olympic committee and bringing the games to the yard where we’ll have waterskiin’ and snowboardin’ and Alabama and Auburn and the Gardendale Redskins of the NFL playin’ football in the brand new prison dome that we’ll fund usin’ electronic bingo at the dog track and then we’ll name one of the prison doorframes after Fred Shuttlesworth so we all can be inspired by his inspiration and sacrifice as we make ingress and egress so don’t worry about me because I’ll be swell and I’m resilient and I’m gonna live forever and serve up my entire life sentences because I’ll be like Lazarus or convert to vampire if that doesn’t work out and when I get out in 805 years I’ll come back and be Mayor of Birmingham and Cosmic Boy will be my council president because he’s a proven leader so stop askin’ questions about my DirecTV and where I live and how bad this is because we’ll all be fine and this will be a proud city even though I’ve been practicin’ my shankin’ form for the past few weeks — SHANKITY SHANKITY SHA-GOO!!!!

LET’S DO SOMETHING!!!

Larry Langford, the former mayor of Birmingham, was convicted on Wednesday of sixty counts of bribery. In his mind, he is the author of the bestselling memoir 16 Going on None of Your Dang Business Let’s Do Something!

King Cockfight returns on November 2.

Herald #3.

Herald #2.

Herald #1.

Lengthy announcement of until now unannounced, possibly lengthy break.

We’re going through an intense period of personal retooling and general Shit That Needs To Be Taken Care Of (capitalized for emphasis), which unfortunately means you’re about to undergo two or three weeks of Cockfight blog silence.

It’s a tragedy, we’re sure.

If anything huge happens — Kay Ivey waterboarding PACT contract holders, Ron Sparks growing a second, smaller mustache on top of his original exquisite mustache, Bill Johnson actually being spotted in a Stuckey’s* — we’ll return faster than lighting and bitterer than Charles Bishop’s red right hand. You can still reach us by e-mail — and, as some have found, we might send you something allegedly funny in response too.

In the meantime, here’s a few suggestions for coping with our absence:

• Simulate King Cockfight, Scenario One: Pretend your family is the Cockfight Family! Write off you and yours’ dysfunctional problems as mere eccentricities that the lessers just are not good enough to understand — feel just like Alabama’s nonfictional ruling class!
• Play the “Where’s Sexy Male Gubernatorial Candidate Dr. Robert Bentley Today?” Game: Start by assuming he’s in Tuscaloosa, realize he’s not going to even come close to seeing what this whole “winning” thing looks like, stop giving a shit, do something else.
• Demand Kay Ivey resign.
• Title everything using old rock and roll lyrics!
• Attempt to make a pointed commentary on Alabama politics by starting a Twitter account to be the voice of the new Big Hardee’s campaign to be lieutenant governor. Overreact when that account is fragged by Twitter for breaking its rules against “impersonation.” Of a hamburger.
• Start your own Alabama politics blog! Start cranking out posts until a content hungry base of moderately savvy readers start lauding your work, get bored or too busy to post two or three months in, give up and delete the blog. It’s a tried and true method that’s guaranteed to work! Sort of!
• Read one of the other deceptive and satirically trite Alabama politics blogs — like Flashpoint!
• Jack off to The Daily Show like you always do, liberal.
• Seed new King Cockfight posts by sending Troy King new sex toys. Also good for earning the beaming praise of Loretta Nall.
• Write quickly, edit nothing! Missing words where!
• Play the “Puffin Cockfight Greatest Hits Game”!: Think of the song that would be most inappropriate for a stage dance at a strip club, then post it in the comments section below. Be thoughtful with your choices, however: “I Want a New Drug” is too appropriate for a strip club, whereas the Johnny Cash cover of “Hurt” is, well, evil and funny as hell hence why we just suggested it.
• Run for Congress.
• Simulate King Cockfight, Scenario Two:  Take a news story, manipulate it until it fits into a vague ongoing comedic storyline and group of disturbingly well-defined and familiar characters, stir in the intractable problems Alabamians face every day despite the willful ignorance of their disconnected, self-interested and “moral” elected leaders, then brew the mess into a slightly literate attempt at  political satire served in the most evil and inappropriate way possible. Add garnish.

(In some parts of West Alabama, garnish means “dick jokes.”)

See you soon, lessers.

*Though from what we understand, one would have to be recognizable to be spotted somewhere. Even a Stuckey’s.