Auld lang die.

PRESS RELEASE

December 31, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ANNOUNCES ‘2010′ ENEMIES LIST

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – Members of the Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most begrudging political clans, today formally announced their individual enemies lists for 2010, a beloved and statutorily required holiday reading tradition for West Alabama and Mississippi families for more than 60 years.

The Family has spent much of their time compiling their lists for the past month and,  because of the advent of failed politico King Cockfight’s Weblog, is proud to publish them on the Internet for the first time.*

Individual Family members’ enemies, with explanations in their own words, follow. These people are encouraged not to enter the Cockfights’ traditional home in Winston County for the next year lest they wish to suffer a valuable, teachable smiting.

Carter Cockfight
2012 presidential candidate for the ‘NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!’ Party

1. THE IMMIGRANTS!: ONE OF THEM FUCKED MY WIFE. NOW THEY WANT TO FUCK MY LAND. I’M THE ONLY ONE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE FUCKING. STAY ON LORNA ROAD OR YOU’LL MEET MY GLORIOUS SHOTGUN!
2. S. TRUETT CATHY: FUCK THAT BALD SMILEY CHICK-FIL-FUCK FOR MOVING ON THE IDEA OF A CHRISTIAN-THEMED CHICKEN RESTAURANT BEFORE I DID. RELIGI-CHICKEN WOULD’VE BEEN HUGE. SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD’VE BEEN STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH BATTERED CHRIST NUGGETS WHILE PRAYING AT THE ALTAR I COULD’VE BEEN A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE. BUT CERTAIN GEORGIA FUCKERS HAD TO FRANCHISE A FEW YEARS EARLIER THAN I DID SO I HAD TO TRY THE CHRIST TACOS RESTAURANT CHAIN INSTEAD. AND THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT — PROBABLY BECAUSE SOUR CREAM DOESN’T REMIND PEOPLE OF CHRISTIAN IT REMINDS THEM OF CUM. PEARLY-WHITE CUM! AND IT’S ALL S. TRUETT CATHY’S FAULT! PLUS CATHOLICISM IS THEIR RELIGION!
3. LOU DOBBS: I HAD THE IDEA OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST THE IMMIGRANT RAPE-HORDES FIRST, YOU BLOATED, POMPOUS CAMERA FUCKER!

Ron Sparks makes poor decision to run for Governor.

There will be no Leftist mustache rides to be had for the megametropolitan yuppie-hillbilly shopping mall and car lot that you people call a congressional district.

BALL THOUGHTS: These balls are for sale.

The following e-mail was sent to University of Florida athletics director Jeremy Foley early Sunday morning by King Cockfight’s cousin, Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight, the head coach of the Southwest New Mexico A&M University Skeet-Shootin’ Owls, or “Skeet-Owls” for short, following the announcement of Gators’ head coach Urban Meyer’s resignation.

Within hours, Meyer had decided against resigning, instead opting to return after an extended leave of absence.

From: Edward T. Cockfight II (blackpenis228@hotmail.com)
To: Jeremy Foley (jerecurl61@uf.edu)
Subject: Fuck yeah! Hire me as your coach!

Dear Mr. Foley:

My name is Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight. You may remember me as the man who pissed on your lawn a few years back after you refused to hire back Steve Spurrier as coach without an interview. I assure you that I meant that as a sign of respect, making your territory mine as well in respect for your professional integrity as an athletic gate-keeper unbeholden to your program’s history or tradition when it comes to finding the right, most vibrant coach for the job.

But I am also the head coach of the Southwest New Mexico A&M University Skeet-Owls, the 2009 winners of NAIA Division II’s Johnson & Johnson No Tears League conference and playoff semifinalist. As I sat here in this Houston strip club with my attorney trying to shore up my program’s 2010 recruiting class, I was shocked to hear of Coach Meyer’s apparent retirement from a stripper who was reminding me quite emphatically about the tyrannical “No touch” rule. While I am sure you are to speak to some of the hottest names in Division I coaching in the coming hours and days, I would like to ask that you think outside the box and consider me as a possibility for your next head coach.

Like your family’s Christmas, except important.

At noon, my father will be marking the holiday by tweeting our Family’s annual Christmas get-together with my Uncle Carter on the Cockfight “Farm” property.

You can follow it by refreshing this page a bunch of times and watching the sidebar to the right, or by clicking here.

This is all brought to lessers, as always, by CFIA.

Happy Holidays!

Friends of Newt Gingrich.

PRESS RELEASE

December 23, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY URGES OTHER ALABAMA POLITICIANS TO FOLLOW ‘PARKER’ GRIFFITH’S LEAD, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

Now playing for the other team.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most blunt political clans, today urged several Alabama politicians to follow the lead of newly extra-white North Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith and “come out of the closet” about who they really are.

Griffith, who was elected as a Democrat last year and is still believed by several Cockfight Family members not to be an actual human being but a sentient shopping mall in Madison (“I hear there’s a really nice Best Buy there,” the Rev.  David Cockfight said.), only sorta-kinda shocked his colleagues in Alabama and Congress by turning GOP on Tuesday, probably because his ass was going to be beat real bad by a conservative more comfortable admitting he or she is really a Republican in 2010.

But members of the Cockfight Family, who have been busy for much of the past month compiling their annual holiday enemies’ lists, were not surprised at all by the announcement.

“These kind of revelations tend to happen a lot around the holidays,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “People come back from Washington for holiday dinner and show up with an oil lobbyist or somebody from big business, and before they can open their mouth to tell those close to them the big revelation, their donors realize that whole voting against healthcare thing and being really against abortion thing from the campaign wasn’t just a phase.”

“I remember all the shame I felt when my son came back from college and told me he was only a moderate Republican,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “He told me that maybe we shouldn’t be so relentless and close-minded about abortion and that perhaps, and it pains me to say this even now, that Social Security might not have been such a terrible idea.

“But in time, I learned that both us are owned to the bone by big business and not very fond of helping minorities and especially the poor, and while I don’t approve all the aspects of his unorthodox politically un-belligerent lifestyle,  that common ground has helped me accept and love him for what he is.”

Still, Family members applauded Griffith’s move and urged several other Alabama politicians to bring their lifestyles out in the open to be honest with themselves and their voters — especially one freshman congressman in particular.

“Bobby Bright’s all like ‘I just have some really flamboyantly neoconservative friends!’ and ‘Voting against healthcare reform is just something I like to do for fun — I’m still very attracted to Democratic donors!’” King said. “But we all know the real truth, Bobby, and you don’t have to hide it anymore.

“Everybody knows you’re a big, flaming GOP.”

Other Alabama politicians the Cockfight Family believes should be more truthful about who they are:

• Republican Attorney General Troy King: “Illiteracy is a problem that affects so many Alabamians,” King said. “Much like Lucy Baxley has been an inspiration to those who have suffered strokes, T.K. could really inspire hope among the illiterate attorneys who don’t understand or know how to practice or enforce the law as he is beaten handily and righteously by a comic book super-villain in his party’s primary next year.”
• Former Democratic Governor Don Siegelman: “Everybody knows you’re corrupt as shit, man,” King said. “Come on.”
• Former State GOP Chairwoman Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh: “Even though you’re restricted by Asimov’s Three Laws and the strict rules Governor Riley has set for you, you can make a brave first step for a world where android Republican operatives are considered as human as those born as flesh and bone,” King said.
• Democratic Lt. Governor Jim Folsom: “It’s well past time to admit you’re a Kodiak bear dressed as a man!” said Carter McCarthy Cockfight, 2012 presidential candidate for the “NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!” Party. “Now come on and fight me!”

Artur Davis has been a bad black person.

Temporarily demoted to probationary black man status.

Congressman Artur Davis’ vote against healthcare reform has had some folks questioning whether he’d rather mortgage his political future these days than represent the people who put him in a position to entertain a run for Governor, prompted his mustachioed Democratic rival to suddenly be as in favor of a public health plan as any latte-sipping, cock-sucking, weed-smoking San Francisco, California, liberal, and, most recently and importantly, led to important and critical questions about his blackitude by the Rev. Jesse Jackson:

We even have blacks voting against the health care bill. You can’t vote against health care and call yourself a black man.

And by “blacks” Jackson means, well, Artur Davis who was the only Black Congressional Caucus member to vote against the bill in the House and thus, in Jackson’s parlance, earn Multiple Black-Man Status (MBMS).

In response, Davis attempted to repel and celebrate Jackson’s comments at the same time and restated that he supports healthcare reform, just not the particular politically realistic and most likely as good as we’re going to get with the current population of dumb politicians and sheeple being considered on Capitol Hill. Political experts even say that his split with Jackson, along with his vote against a reform that is unpopular in Alabama because we like fucking ourselves to death with that rusty metal pole and we’ll lick our  lips for you because you like it when we do it like that don’t you big daddy?,  is likely to strengthen his chances of being elected Governor next year.

All that being said, I’ve been consistently underwhelmed by the Davis campaign — and not for those “Oh it’s because he’s a Democrat and I’m a nacho-eating neocon” or the “Oh and he’s black and I’m one of those Huntsville/Mountain Brook racists who talks around hating black people as if it’s some sort of medical or social condition like AIDS and crime and boy how I hate AIDS and crime” kind of reasoning you might find elsewhere in the Alabama Weblogosphere.

My concern has been that the Davis’ alleged campaign staff have not shown any signs of being particularly capable or fully cognizant of the raining racial hellfire they will have to cope with if he wins the Democratic nomination next year.

There’s running post-racial, then there’s running in a happy-happy la-la version of Alabama that doesn’t exist where it’s a matter of fact we either can ignore or that we don’t have to get to yet so we can make stupid moves like letting the Internet determine our campaign platform.

Given my background, I tend to see these things in terms of emotionless political calculus, and I imagine Davis does to some extent as well. My read is that Davis probably supports healthcare reform — maybe even in its most liberal yet logical form — but trusts his Democratic colleagues in the House and Senate to at least be able to do some approximation of getting the job done without him so can cover himself to perhaps –  switching back from the political to the ideal –  do greater good in Alabama from 2011 onward.

Unfortunately, reading things in political terms tends to desensitize you to what’s right an awful lot. If there’s a general election and a broad portion of the voting population die-hardedly believes that skullfucking homeless people to death is the only way to instill values and rejuvenate economic development — and please, Alabama Republicans, don’t take this as a commentary on your party’s platform right now — and you needed at least a good chunk of those people to form a winning coalition, a hardened political “expert” like myself would recommend you give at least a little qualified support to doing some awful things to homeless people for the good of our economy and to preserve morality for our children’s future.

That’s because while most human beings know socially and morally what’s the right thing to do, most of the time they are too politically and personally stupid and immature to do it. It’s how jackasses who have no fucking idea what the hell they’re doing (not to mention candidates who actually believe government can be run as a for-profit business as if they are the same fucking thing) get elected all the time. It’s why President Liberal-Black-Man-Raised-In-A-Poor-Interracial-Household-And-Worked-As-A-Community-Organizer has to play to the bigots feelings about The Gays (TM) instead of letting them experience the empty, sexless joy of marriage or openly die in our latest pointless military quagmires.

People, especially voters, are petty little children who refuse to drink their milk even if they know it’s the only thing keeping all their teeth from falling out. And Alabamians are among the biggest, toothless babies of them all.

So yes, Artur is taking the right stance to appeal to the stupid, immature, anti-progressive majority of Alabama voters — you know, the same people who are still totally too stupid, immature, and anti-progressive right now to vote for him because he has a skin tone a shade darker than mother of pearl.

Oh and by the way, Artur, your home base, poor black people such as those in your poor black congressional district, who I will remind you are — at least according to stereotype — seen as only slightly more electorally reliable than “politically-motivated” college-aged liberal youth, might remember how you voted pretty blatantly against their interests and could decide not to show up records numbers that Black Belt counties will obfuscate through voter fraud on Election Day 2010. That too.

(Again, I don’t think they’re even the slightest bit prepared for that whole racial hellfire thing.)

So let’s break it down.

Is Davis the most palatable gubernatorial candidate there is right now? Considering that the other candidates are an irrelevant, unprepared mustache man who has suddenly had a Saul-to-Paul moment on healthcare reform, a quietly unaccomplished allegedly accomplished non-threatening White Republican who has the physical appeal of a gray-at-the-temples middle-aged man that horny White Republican women would love to see in one of those bathtubs in the Cialis ads, a fool who fucked-up managing your kids’ college money and has limply attempted to absolve herself by blaming the money, an empty-headed Jesus freak retread, a bored, unappealing Tuscaloosa dermatologist, Tim James, and an anonymous far-right dumbfuck whose entire last-place campaign has morphed into a giant fuck you to the sitting lame-duck governor for forcing him out of a job most Alabamians don’t care about or understand, I’d say so.

Does he have to work harder and be more perfect than any of us can imagine — even if he’s amply more qualified and trustworthy than the rest of these jackasses — because he’s a black man running for a statewide elected office in Alabama? Hell yes. A hundred times more than any of the fine young Democrats working on his campaign realize — even he knows it in no uncertain terms.

Is it fair? Fuck no.

Is it reality? Until further notice, unfortunately so.

Did he just sell out the people he represented and thus cast doubt as to whether he’s the grown-up Alabama needs to make it a better place?

Yeah. He did.

And he should have known better than that.

Let’s all make out with Bradley Byrne.

"It's okay to be attracted to me. I did wear the light blue polo today..."

Allegedly accomplished white Republican Bradley Byrne, who may or may not done something important and credible by not putting a hit out on anybody while running the blood-soaked coke-brothel that was (is?) the State’s two-year college system*, this week revealed a ten-point plan for at least eliminating the appearance of the State’s political leaders having their jobs only to buttfuck cash and privilege out of Alabama’s government.

And I’m not alleging any sort of bias or anything like that, but after reading this article I do think that the Mobile Register might have some unusual feelings about Bradley Byrne that make them feel special and icky inside at the same time:

Ethics in government has been one of Byrne’s three Es — the others being education and economic development — since Byrne entered the race earlier this year. But today’s news conference represented his most detailed proposal on the topic yet.

Byrne made his remarks across the street from Bishop State Community College, where allegations of ethics lapses led to front-page headlines before he took the helm of the entire two-year system. The school was a literal and figurative backdrop for Byrne’s insistence that he could push through reforms that have died in the Legislature many times before.

When not making the Bay Area press swoon and crave the warmth of his milky-white Republican arms, Byrne proposed a plan that would kill pass-through pork, expand the “double-dipping” ban, strengthen the State Ethics Commission,  broaden who is required to make disclosures to the commission, and other things that the Republicans probably won’t be too excited to do once they take over the Legislature in 2011.

And I would totally mock his promise to call a special session after he’s sworn-in when I assume — but am too lazy and drunk this morning to fact-check — the next Governor will be inaugurated a few weeks at most from the beginning of the regular session, but it’s not like we get any  governing done during the legislative session, so I can understand why he might think that’s the best approach in this situation.

Oh, and the Family wanted me to note that blood will totally run through the streets of Haleyville as Winston County declares it’s independence from an ass-choked Alabama government should this ethics bullshit even come close to passing and devastating Alabama’s graft-based economy.

It’s just how we roll.

*I can’t tell you how sad I was a few years ago to hear about the end of Northwest Shoals Community College’s great marketing campaign from the 1990’s: “Northwest Shoals Community College — We WILL Suck Your Dick For Money!” Progress has its costs, I guess.

Many belated returns.

Guest post by King Cockfight
Author of this goddamn Weblog

At one point during this weeks-long absence, I was in a state of paralysis in a dimly-lit hostel in Amsterdam. I could see, I could think, but bountiful consumption of legal sin had left me unable to move or affect the dirty things around me. Greasy, pierced figures moved around the room, fornicating with every warm, possibly living thing they saw. I watched them dart from unconscious form to unconscious form, seeming to plug away a little harder at every stop. I wanted to halt it, but I could not move, still unable to shuffle an inch of myself as a byproduct of my own selfishness. And I wondered, with increasing concern at each passing moment, when they would get to me.

It reminded me a lot of living in Alabama.

Crazy on you.

To our great chagrin, the State of Alabama continues to ignore the Cockfight Family’s recommendation that the State’s mentally ill be dumped in some of the more annoying suburbs of Huntsville. Instead, Alabama leaders are looking at moving forward with a possible sale of Bryce Hospital to the University of Alabama and potentially relocating the State’s official crazy house* to Birmingham.

In response, the City of Tuscaloosa has filed a lawsuit challenging that Governor Bob Riley has no authority to move the hospital and that people from Tuscaloosa work at it, so therefore it can’t be moved from Tuscaloosa because Tuscaloosa is apparently legally required to have as many institutions around at once to justify its existence as an independent entity from Birmingham. Also, the win football team might not be able win forever except they always will when the cyborg Paul Nicholas SaBear 2.0 Leopard Edition takes over in 2026 ROLL DAMN TIDE!

But they’re not the ones who appear to be pitching the biggest fit over this land deal. That would be Paul Davis, a Department of Mental Health trustee who recently resigned and did his best to prompt an “Aw snap!” in talking about how the University of Alabama isn’t paying enough for his former department’s charming plantation crazy-house and maybe the schizo store-house ought to be put on the open market:

The idea of ever moving Bryce was because the university wants the land. We voted unanimously to sell the land provided the price was right. They’re about $20 million or so short, or about the cost of two skyboxes.**

 ”AW SNAP!”-LIKE REACTION TO THAT COMMENT, Y’ALL!

It might be hard to racially profile a black governor.

Second-place Democratic gubernatorial candidate and radical Leftist Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks picked up the endorsement of 28 Alabama sheriffs this week.

Strange how lawmen might be attracted to an impressively mustachioed white gentlemen…

Other upcoming endorsements: Dr. Robert Bentley will be endorsed by 13 older, bored Tuscaloosa doctors, Roy Moore will be endorsed by 45 Southern Baptist preachers who also agree that things ain’t Jesus like they used to be, and Kay Ivey will be endorsed by a lobby of vicious animals that kill good things off of unknowing, mindless instinct…

Five-yard penalty, re-play First Down.

We apologize for the meekness of our return. Our last two weeks have been difficulty harried — not in the Secret Girlfriend we-have-funny-slacker-friends-and-have-hot-sex-with-hot-chicks-all-the-time-19-year-old-fratboy-life-fantasy harried*, but legitimate, important life stuff that chose the worst weeks possible and delayed our execution of our surprisingly well-laid plans.

There will be posting on Friday — we think — but things will kick off properly on Monday to begin our markedly mentally ill overarching plan for the next few months’ worth of blogging. Again, expect two to three days of updating per week from now until further notice.

Think of this week a lot like the NFL preseason — a test drive of the team before the real, meaningful games begin. You play with some new ideas, you’re reminded that the Lions still suck, you get a surprisingly honest grade on what the Panthers’ season will look like, and you are delighted to learn that Larry Langford in a sombrero is as funny as it sounds.

Oh, and hopefully this will be the last time you read us talking to you directly for a long, long time…

*We are have become frighteningly obsessed with this show and its brilliant awfulness. If we are the star of the show, why is our living situation so murky — weren’t we living separately from our two friends in one episode, but now we are for some unexplained reason? Why do hot women find us so attractive and always want to have amazing and inventive sex with us anyway? Is it a relative thing — you know, because apparently we’re incapable of making male friends who can’t be described by the adjective “puggish”? Why is it our friends are the only ones who seem to have jobs? What do we and our hot pseudo-girlfriend do for a living that gives us so much time and disposable income to have keg parties and visit strip clubs in the middle of the week? Wait, is this show exclusively set on weekends? Because you know that would make sense. And why does it seem like our life is being scripted by writers who are coming up with increasingly contrived reasons to keep our crazy ex-girlfriend around? Is it that hard to get a restraining order in California, or do we not have the time or money to do it because we’re too busy drinking with our friends and fucking hot chicks? And why are we so accommodating to her — like when we drove her home instead of finishing that hot chick in the shower after she’d stormed off? Perhaps we take some sick pleasure from hearing her shout “WHORE-FUCKER” in each of these neatly capsulized adventures of our life?

And wouldn’t our life be better broadcast on premium cable where our wild sexcapades could be more fully appreciated?

These questions demand answers, dammit!

On the Birmingham mayor’s race.

Guest post by Terry Tangforde
A Birmingham political expert who is not criminally convicted former Mayor Larry Langford in a sombrero

"Let's do something -- Mexican!"

There are a lot of  candidates who are runnin’ for mayor! I didn’t think there needed to be much of a change, but then again, I’m not the one that the federal government treated like Birmingham Mayor Black Jeffrey Dahmer Hitler. Because I’m not Larry Langford.

But there’s a lot of candidates who could be runnin’. There’s Carole Smitherman, who has no vision. I think she might be blind! I once waved a spending–I mean, a Twinkie in front of her and she didn’t immediately pass that Twinkie! No one can resist the Twinkie! Twinkies are always delicious and important for Birmingham’s future! Even when they cost $14 million annually!

And then there’s Patrick Cooper, who needs to mind his own business! It don’t matter where a man watches his NFL Sunday Ticket or sleeps each night or has established residence if he has the experience and vision to be mayor of a great city! Not that I have any experience with anything like that. My possibly Mexican parents probably did. I think! My childhood is rocky and unclear and makes me long for nice clothes!

And Richard Arrington’s dead!

But the people of Birmingham need to think nicer and bolder and bigger to in their choice for fake-mayor-who-shouldn’t-be-put-in-charge-because-the-old-one-wasn’t-that-bad-and-is-praying-and-crying-about-going-to-jail-pretty-much-every-other-minute-now! They need a leader who’s gonna watch over them, be silent and imposin’, and light their way in their darkest night!

City needs to elect Vulcan!

Cognitive dissidence.

With Birmingham Mayor  and Former JeffCo Commission President Larry Langford’s conviction last week for having wealthy men buy him nice clothes* and the four other former commissioners convicted on corruption charges in recent years, Jefferson County Commissioners say they are tired of people thinking they’re corrupt.

Commissioner/Associate Dumbass Jim Carns says the perception makes it hard to solve the $4,771 trillion sewer debt problem that has the county regularly on the verge of either financially blowing its brains out or selling shit-pots to the State’s retirement fund:

There’s been a morph­ing of all county commis­sioners into one big pic­ture of dishonesty.

Commission President/Lead Jackass Bettye Fine Collins:

There is no doubt that, be­cause of things that have happened, we have suffered for things we are not re­sponsible for. It casts a shadow over all.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but the reason people don’t like or take the County Commission seriously is because you’re asses.

Changing teams.

State GOP Chairman Mike Hubbard, an asshole, says he is working to woo Democratic legislators to run as Republicans.

Democratic Chairman Joe Turnham, who is probably an asshole in his own right too, denies this. But what incentives have Republicans offered the State’s Dems to switch over?

• Twenty percent more loved by Christ. The American Christ.
• Still get to oppose Troy King’s re-election campaign.
• Allowed to be conservative and selfish without fulfilling passing need to care about these alleged “poor people.”
• Less time spent around Alvin Holmes.
• Ability to enjoy Fox News’ ritzy production values without feeling dirty.
• Access to George Wallace’s pickled balls — unseen by Democrats since Governor Bob Riley’s election in 2002 — and their unbelievable ability to restore sexual potency and win the black vote no matter what you do to them.
• Allowed use of the latest racist code words worked up in the RNC Labs.
• “Mulligans” on any and all abortions they may have been involved in previously to come in line with party philosophy. Especially includes past Education Trust Fund budgets passed by the Legislature.
• Twinkle Cavanaugh.
• Don’t have to worry about their party fielding a black candidate for Governor. Ever.

Bandages and apologies.

Because of outside conflicts, posting will be a tad be slower than we had planned when we actually “planned” our return for today. You’ll get the “Where the hell the Cockfight Family has been” post tomorrow or Wednesday. Our bad for leaving your life so unfulfilled.

But yes, we are back and we are not dead. Updating will be a little slow — two or three days a week  — for the foreseeable future.

Enjoy.