Alabama's Douche-Belt.
As a public service to the lessers, who only know and do what the Cockfight Family tells them anyway, the Family has decided to share excerpts from its election-year candidate prospectus—a service that has been enjoyed by Southern politicos for a number of years.
Today, due to the attention the media is giving to the crowded Sixth Congressional District Republican Primary, the Cockfight Family shares its preview of that race, listing the advantages and disadvantages each candidate faces as well as the disadvantages articulated by a hilariously prolific part of the conversation in this race, conservative talk radio callers who actually think their opinion matters in the race for what has become termed Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”
We would share our preview of the race for the Democratic nomination for the seat, but we’re told the photo we picked out of a mutilated goat is too graphic for mass public consumption.
When drawing Alabama’s Sixth Congressional District in the early 1990s, lawmakers had a distinct problem: They needed not only a district that reflected the greater Birmingham area, but one where not so many poor and black people—who the federal government cruelly forced the State to allow to vote in congressional elections—would interfere with the election of the type of candidate they would prefer to see hold a Birmingham-area seat—i.e. a White Old-School Alabama Democrat.
They still found it so unbearable to allow black people to have a majority district that eventually a federal court had to draw a district that squeezes as much poverty and non-whiteness out of the Alabama Sixth as possible, but fits in a critical mass of Birmingham’s white-flight suburbs—an area where 82.1% of the population is white and 54.5% has an income of more than $50,000. Geographically, the result is a district that looks quite appropriately like a belt squeezing the less desirables of the region into clenched submission. Politically, the district has produced by far the douchiest of Alabama’s congressional delegation. Thus, as the area to the west of the district contains much of what has came to be called Alabama’s Black Belt—where the soil is dark and so are many of the people who were originally brought there to work it—the Sixth Congressional District has come to be affectionately known as Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”
This year’s Republican congressional primary, however, shows that the Douche-Belt is going through a period of great douche-y upheaval. The congressional douche that has come to represent that for which the Douche-Belt stands may not be the douche that the Douche-Belt wants anymore, as a mighty young douche has emerged to challenge him.
Yet, a crowded race may mean that this new douche’s anointment as Alabama’s Douchiest Douche of Them All may not happen as a well-stocked war chest and old loyalties give the incumbent douche a palpable douchevantage in The Race for the Douche-Belt…
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