Committing to a shade.

PRESS RELEASE

June 27, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CAMPAIGN RETRACTS PREVIOUS APOLOGY, PROMISES TO CONTINUE SHITTING ON PEOPLE IN PUBLIC AMID DONOR RESPONSE
Says that Charlotte reporter has not ‘seen the last of [his] asshole’s vengeance’ 

CHARLOTTE, NC — Carter Cockfight today promised to “shit on every reporter, liberal, and son of a bitch in the United States of America” after receiving several hundred thousand dollars in donations after he took the freedom-preserving step Tuesday of defecating on the face of an America-hating liberal newspaper reporter in Charlotte.

Carter has retracted any apology his campaign may have issued to the reporter and plans to sue the reporter for harassment. He now will violently fight any criminal charges as an infringement of his constitutional right to aim and fire his stinking anal poop gun at any person or entity who displeases those who may support him in any way.

Just like Americans want out of a presidential candidate.

“Carter Cockfight’s asshole is the fresh voice that Americans have been waiting for,” said Dale Glucker, Carter’s campaign spokesman. “The donations say it loud and clear: At this point in the campaign, all Americans and the media are willing to follow is who is shitting on whom the most and the loudest.

“And I think I speak our candidate, the patriot that he is, when I say that this campaign has a brown diaper full of spaghetti sauce on this country’s enemies’ heads.”

Down in the brown.

PRESS RELEASE

June 26, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CAMPAIGN APOLOGIZES FOR SHITTING ON REPORTER’S HEAD

HOOVER, AL — Carter Cockfight’s presidential campaign today solemnly apologized for his defecating on a reporter’s head earlier today in North Carolina.

“My brother is very, very sorry for what he did to that poor liberal lying filth-of-the-earth reporter,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, Consulting Associate Campaign Manager. “We plan on sending him the nicest of fruit baskets and civil settlement offers in return for not pressing these charges over Carter any further than we need to do so.

“Also, we’ll be buying him a mess of new clothes and deodorant because, Jesus Christ.”

Carter is said to be taking a close look at his campaign and his future in the race.

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Boom goes the dynamite.

FRINGE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DEFECATES ON REPORTER

CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) — A fringe anti-illegal immigrant presidential candidate today forcibly defecated on the face of a newspaper reporter who asked the candidate about urinating in public outside a Mitt Romney event in the Midwest last week.

Dreaming of a new day.

PRESS RELEASE

June 26, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

ANTI-IMMIGRANT CARTER COCKFIGHT ANNOUNCES NEW, MORE LITERAL ‘DREAM ACT’ OFFERING A WATERY PATH TO CITIZENSHIP FOR IMMIGRANTS

HOOVER, AL — The Carter Cockfight presidential campaign for an immigrant-free America today announced that the candidate will appear in immigrant riddled Albertville to promote his proposed DREAM Act legislation, but begged the media not focus on wasteful, intellectually bankrupt he-said-she-said outdoor urination coverage in publicizing it for the campaign.

The Cockfight campaign, despite its many kindnesses to the tragedy-horny press, has been the victim of violent press abuse, with papers alleging that he peed outside at a Romney event last week despite mere factual evidence suggesting such an event happening. The story has been mentioned in one short sentence in newspaper briefing after briefing, sometimes without even mentioning Carter’s name. Truly, the media’s channeling of its depraved obsession with older Southern men urinating is disturbing and a disgrace to the noble role of publicizing campaigns without any additional insight that it is supposed to play for the preservation of our Republic.

Today, the Cockfight campaign attempts to steer the pee-mad media back onto the issues as Carter starts a bus tour of the American South, starting in Charlotte, NC, focused on his new DREAM Act proposal aimed at solving immigration problems in the United States.

Like other DREAM Acts, the plan Carter and his Executive Foreign Policy Adviser Minuteman Bob have come up attempts to enforce the United States’ immigration laws while also providing a humanitarian road to citizenship for those immigrants who seem to have done no wrong. Unlike other integrity-less plans, Carter’s DREAM Act would also honor his promise to supporters to eliminate all immigrants with extreme and highly physical prejudice.

And in contrast to illegal immigrant President Obama’s unconstitutional amnesty for young illegal immigrants and illegal immigrant Mitt “Burritos at Taco Bell” Romney’s nonexistent immigration plans, Carter’s plan installs two truly American values at the heart of the federal government’s immigration enforcement: accountability, and violence.

A temple of the holy ghost.

Guest post by J. Eagle Cockfight II
Prominent Republican strategist

Huzzah and hello, I hope you have all had a marvelous few weeks, even the lessers. As you know, I recently had some medical issues that nearly ended my life, but as soon as I was well enough, I realized that I needed to speak to the world about what those difficulties have made of me.

You see, before my difficulties, I had been very terrible to the lessers. I thought of them as a disease, and feared that anything that government did to aid them could threaten my comfortable existence as a better. I thought of them as competition trying to infect me with their condition, so that I would not be any better than them in time. As a result, I have spent much of my life ensuring that the world, whether be through business or through politics, benefited me and only those that I deemed worthy enough of being on my level.

The tumor changed that. It made me realize that in the end, we are all essentially equal. We are all frail and can be hustled out of the mortal coil at any moment in as many ways as one could imagine. I clung on because I could afford the best medical care money could provide, with expert and speedy medical care diagnosing and removing my tumor safely and soundly.  I realized that a man of lesser means might not be able to survive what I survived, or could be reduced to a state of existence that might make him wish he had not survived.

And I want to keep it that way.

Sharing is caring.

PRESS RELEASE

June 20, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CAMPAIGN STAFF SHARES THE CONVICTIONS THAT MADE THEM JOIN HIS CAMPAIGN EFFORT

HOOVER, AL — In what is not at all a transparent attempt to distract from media coverage of his peeing in public earlier this week, the staff of Carter Cockfight’s presidential campaign for permanently liberating America from the immigrant menace this morning shared the convictions that got them involved in his campaign.

• Campaign Manager King Cockfight: “I mean, he’s Family. Plus, you know, politics and running campaigns is kind of what I do. Not because I really want to do anything, since we got money and I don’t really have to make any, but because I get to feel important about things, and it really just gives me something to do. Oh, and I was really upset when Aunt Dora got boned by that English professor. It really showed that immigration is a bad thing for Carter, two or three generations down the line.”
• Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts Dale J. Glucker: ”I must disclose that I am a registered sex offender because I forcibly mooned a Patch.com blogger in front of her daughters because she did not post a pic of a Kroger.”
• Executive Foreign Policy Adviser and BBQ Chef Minuteman Charles: ”Carter McCarthy Cockfight is one of the most decent Americans I have ever met. We have spent many an hour together sitting on whatever foreign border we happen to be covering that day—Texas, Arizona, Florida, Wyoming—talking about the illegals and the other immigrants have done to him and what they are doing to our nation. He understands that the only thing wrong with this fine country is that we keep letting other people in who are not from here, and that we don’t shoot them before they get in here and change us. Because changing things makes us different, and they might not be the America that I like—the one that’s all about guns, hamburgers, and white men in charge. He’s a hell of a son of a bitch, and his collection of things he’s killed with his bare damn hands is amazing. It’s in the campaign trailer, y’all want to see it?”
• Executive Domestic Policy Adviser Howie Jeffries: “Hey, there, long-time listener but first time sharer. I just wanted to say that Carter Cockfight, unlike any of these lazy you-know-whos who don’t support him is a guy who gets what’s wrong with this country. And me and him, I tell you, we sit around and we talk a lot about how people we hate certain types of people all day long and all that’s wrong with them and in ways that are really outrageous and stuff, so he’s totally my guy. Thanks. I’m going to stop talking and listen now.”
• Motivational Asian Sonia Chu: “Sure, I guess it is, like, totally being a prostitute, and it’s weird that I have to dress like an Asian Sarah Palin all the time, but you know, I don’t have to have sex with him all the time. And it beats going to grad school, though I bet I can totally write about this for like a thesis in English or biology or law school or something. I guess they made me sign that non-disclosure thingie, but it doesn’t really, like, count because I did it in a car, right? Oh… oh! I mean, me love you long time dontchaknow?”
• Associate Campaign Manager for Being-a-Fake-Mexican-Pig-We-Chase-and-Kill Special Projects Piguel XXXIX: “Oink.”

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Crawling out of the puddle.

PRESS RELEASE

June 19, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CAMPAIGN DERIDES TABLOID MEDIA FOR IGNORING REAL ISSUES TO FOCUS ON PUBLIC URINATION

HOOVER, AL — Carter Cockfight’s presidential campaign for permanently liberating America from the immigrant menace this morning criticized the tabloid media for ignoring the real issues in the 2012 election to focus on a candidate simply and naturally urinating in public outside another candidate’s event.

Yesterday, the Associated Press ran a certainly libelous piece documenting how Carter was factually urinating on a fence outside a Mitt Romney event. While the Carter would like everyone to know appreciates the attention for his certainly presidential-quality member, the AP should be ashamed that it has, in one short article, sacrificed all of its generations of journalistic credibility by barely and incorrectly describing the issues Carter has brought into this presidential race.

Gotta go.

FRINGE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE CAUGHT URINATING OUTSIDE ROMNEY EVENT

(AP) — A fringe anti-illegal immigrant presidential candidate urinated outside a Mitt Romney event in the Midwest today.

Carter Cockfight, of Alabama, was caught urinating on a fence near the Romney event. In a truly bizarre scene, Cockfight had apparently been signing the iPads and Kindles of a handful of people near a stage he set up in a stunt to try to “debate” Romney. The iPads and Kindles had apparently been handed out by campaign staff to the half-dozen curious onlookers who wandered by the setup, and a group of reporters following Romney spotted Cockfight as he defecated near the stage.

“Don’t you dare take pictures of my [penis]!” Cockfight shouted to press, failing to either return his penis to his pants or stop urinating. He then shouted something about how Chick-Fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy had sent people there to castrate him.

Dale Glucker, Cockfight’s press secretary, then shooed reporters away and blamed “Mitt Romney’s pro-immigrant policies” for there not being adequate bathroom facilities nearby the stage.

“It’s time for Mitt Romney to tell the truth to Americans,” Glucker said. “By hiding behind his lies and his suspicious immigrant-coddling policies, Gov. Romney is trying to make all Americans pee in public where everyone can watch and take pictures.”

Romney campaign officials declined comment.

Victory written on digital paper.

PRESS RELEASE

June 18, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CHALLENGES MITT ROMNEY TO A DEBATE ON HIS IMMIGRATION STATUS, SIGNS HIS EBOOK EXPOSING CHICK-FIL-A 

Somewhere in the Midwest — Carter Cockfight, the only presidential candidate who will return America  to its glory by freeing it from immigrant imprisonment, returns to the campaign trail today after the resolution of a family medical emergency. He does so with a challenge to so-called Republican nominee Mitt Killed-Soldiers-at-the-Alamo Romney: Debate me while I’m in the same city so I can expose you for the illegal immigrant you really are, and perhaps purchase my eBook so I can sign it for you.

As Romney continues to lie to America that he is not an illegal Mexican immigrant sleeper agent—a Manchurito Candidate, if you will—by campaigning today in the Midwest and not declaring war on Obama for letting young illegal immigrants vote, Carter Cockfight will be at the same place he is, holding an eReader signing for his new self-published Kindle single, Sick-Fil-A: How Chick-Fil-A’s S. Truett Cathy Is Plotting the Rape and Murder of Your Children by Stealing My Idea and Using It to Help the Immigrants.

The punctuation-less fifty pages of very decently thought-out, Eisenhower-esque ranting details how Chick-Fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy stole Carter’s idea for a “Religi-Chicken” series of fast food restaurants and is using those restaurants as mobile bases of operations for immigrant rape hordes. As best as those who have read Sick-Fil-A can understand, Carter posits that the reason Chick-Fil-As are closed on Sundays are so they can plan their eventual invasions—and also to pray to their “FAGGOT BLOOD GOD” who is responsible for everything wrong in Smokey and the Bandit III.

Release into the wild.

Good news. This morning, neurosurgeons at UAB successfully removed Uncle Eagle’s brain tumor. We are still waiting on test results, but it looks as if it were benign.

We will let you know how things turn out, but it looks like we will still have the old Republican son of a bitch around for a little while longer at least.

Carter’s campaign should restart sometime next week.