Comfortably numb.

Oh how we need you now.

King Cockfight wanted to live-Weblog Monday night’s Christian Coalition of Alabama Jesusfest Gubernatorial Forum in Montgomery. But going would have involved driving and not drinking copiously and screaming obscenities at the candidates because it was held in a church, so he stayed at home in Winston County and watched it over the web. The stream wasn’t the most reliable, and he was really drunk for most of it, but he probably saw most of a bullcrap-padded evening and has submitted the following live-Weblog transcript.

Doing shots while reading it is advised.

7:05 p.m. FUCK YOU EMPTY STAGE!

It’s a hard thing not to do.

Dr. Robert Bentley, who continues to patiently examine the State’s skin and may have to prescribe it a strong prescription for its acne problem* in his Republican bid for Governor, has apparently been suspended from Twitter for “suspicious activity.” You can try accessing his account here.

Speaking from personal experience, learning that you can’t impersonate a hamburger the hard way is a pretty rough deal.

Lord how we know it.

*Largely between Cullman and Decatur.

My bucket’s got a hole in it.

PRESS RELEASE

February 8, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY EXPRESSES CONTINUED CONCERN OVER BOTTOM-SCRAPING FINANCIAL SITUATION OF SIXTH-PLACE REPUBLICAN ‘CANDIDATES’ FOR GOVERNOR

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most pro-“Oglethorpe’s Claw” political clans, announced today that they remain deeply worried about the dire personal state of sixth-place GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill Johnson.

Close to two weeks ago, Johnson and his wife Kathy announced they were staying in Birmingham-area homeless shelters. Last week, the Johnsons, both of whom are unemployed, announced on their website that they are “looking for jobs. Not just any jobs — they want to find Alabama’s dirtiest jobs.”

“One day you’re taking a polygraph test to prove that Gov. Riley’s a liar and his anti-gambling stance are merely orders from his shadowy Mississippi Injun masters, the next you’re looking at being the second assistant to the guy who likes to use his pinky to practice hamster husbandry the hard way in an Athens pet shop,” said King Cockfight, a failed you’re Georgetown-educated political consultant and interim president of the Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “I mean sure, this could be some sort of lame populist pandering attempt by a hardcore right-wing Republican who doesn’t even think the university that bears the State’s name deserves to have top-notch facilities built with federal government money that belittles the dire plight of Alabamians who have no opportunities available to them but to work as elderly horse testicle wrangler trainee probably just so the Johnsons can not-so-subtly call Tim James and Bradley Byrne a couple of soft-palmed vaginas who’ve never worked a real job in their lives. But his wife and him are so unemployed, and his campaign is doing so bad, that they must be doing what they can keep their pride while still finishing lower than the bitch who killed PACT in the Republican primary.

“Jesus Christ, Robert Bentley, can’t you see the Johnson Family is in pain?” King added in frustration. “Why won’t you give your imaginary gubernatorial salary to them?

“Or did that go to pay toward your crappy, underfunded campaign too?”

Breaking news.

Mushroom-like.

This week The Tuscaloosa News performed its public duty to readers by exposing a terrible and awful problem to its Mercedes-Benz-owned readership:

Something on the University of Alabama campus looks like a giant cock.

Yes, there’s a reference to how the Denny Chimes looks like a big pecker that plays music, but that’s not what they’re talking about:

Although Craig Wedderspoon’s 10-foot-tall ‘Argyle’ was crafted as part of a series on fabrics and textiles, frozen in metal, some viewers see more than an upwardly mobile construction set on a stout base. …

‘We had a lot of people come by and comment ‘giant phallus,” said Wedderspoon, head of the sculpture program at UA’s Department of Art. ‘When confronted with something abstract, we may not know what it is, it’s curious how quickly it is we go to our sexual organs.

‘But on a college campus, at least, it may be what everyone’s thinking about,’ he said, laughing.

Wow! That’s hilariously and insightfully trite!

But The Tuscaloosa News isn’t alone in this dumb, wasteful, and immature groundbreaking public interest journalism. What other news outlets have devoted their resources to expose pressing public concerns about the appearance/resemblance of stuff to people’s underwear parts?

Interestingly conflicted.

PRESS RELEASE

February 2, 2010

COCKFIGHT FAMILY VOICES SUPPORT FOR STATEWIDE ‘VOTE’ ON THE LEGALITY OF GAMBLING, ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF MASSIVE 500-MACHINE COCKFIGHT FAMILY BINGO HALL NEAR NATURAL BRIDGE

You knew we were going to do this eventually, lessers.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most profitable political clans, today formally urged State leaders to end the ongoing and pointless gambling controversy by assembling a statewide vote on the issue as soon as possible.

In a probably related move, the Family also announced plans to build “Oglethorpe’s Claw,” a luxurious casino electronic bingo hall with over 500 machines located off the future I-22 near Natural Bridge.

“The crazy, pointless early morning raids, the disturbing threats, the silly crowing back and forth between the bingo hall owners and their attorney general and Governor Riley and his current attorney general, having to see and hear and think about Milton McGregor — this all  needs to come to an end,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who served in the Reagan administration. “All we want is something that will bring this pointless acrimony to a halt so we can move on to more important tax cuts.

“Oh, and to make a lot of money off lessers playing the electronic bingo machines,” Eagle added.

Times like these.

PRESS RELEASE

January 29, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY DISTURBED BY ‘EPIDEMIC’ OF HOMELESSNESS AMONG REPUBLICAN GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATES

This seems sadly poignant now...

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and proudly least socially conscientious political clans, today formally expressed their deep concern about the growing number of homeless sixth-place Republican gubernatorial candidates and their spouses.

Bill Johnson, who last year announced plans to place sixth in this year’s GOP gubernatorial primary in an effort to flip his mighty mujahideen-supporting middle-finger in outgoing Governor Bob Riley’s face, and his attractive wife he tastefully touts all over his campaign website will spend Friday night in non-Caucasian-area Birmingham homeless shelters.

“Jesus Christ,” said King Cockfight, a semi-employed failed Georgetown-educated political consultant. “One day you’re make-believing you’re doing important work because you have a vague job involving grants and shit and your wife is trying to discern whether it’s possible to bring broadband to Reform and if they’d use it for anything other than making meth and ’shine and flaming the Medicaid commissioner on Facebook in her downtime, the next you’re sleeping on a cot and polling below some random-assed bored Tuscaloosa dermo and that bitch that fucked-up PACT.

“Shit,” King added. “We’d better keep hiding the location of the Cockfight Family Mansion unless we want the  candidates for Ag Commissioner raiding it in the middle of the night like it’s a Houston County bingo bar for food.

“Glen Zorn does look pretty hungry.”

‘I ain’t ever been nothing but an obtain-er of federal projects money.’

"This proposed federal spending freeze makes me so... coooold..."

Yes, I understand that it’s important to quickly shape and build a statue of Nick Saban for winning a national championship. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that another long-needed statue in Tuscaloosa, a Rio de Janeiro-style recreation of Senator Richard Shelby, has not been approved or completed.

He’s like the Bear Bryant of pork.

Bradley Byrne is a wuss.

"Oh no, my picture is so tiny! Don't let the process servers know where I am! They might trap my pleasantly attractive, miniature Caucasian form in a coffee can and force me to testify about something!"

On Tuesday, Bradley Byrne called an emurgent-y press conference. His campaigned said there had been an incident at his home on Monday night. The shadowy corrupt forces of Alabama had tried to intimidate him.

Had someone roughed him up? Was a brick tossed through his window? Had his wife been ambushed? Were we headed for a new world-shattering Phenix City-style assassination, except, because it would likely be on the Gulf Coast, Frenchier, more elitist, and with a side of  popcorn shrimp and/or oysters?

What terrible awful harm had become of Alabama’s White-Republican-Buford-Pusser-in-a-Polo, the man who sat bravely and handsomely atop the state’s tainted two-year college system, watched federal prosecutors clean it up one case at a time, then took credit for it in an underwhelming and ill-defined gubernatorial campaign?

It was a process server.

At his home.

At an hour later than 5 p.m.

Byrne said his wife Rebecca was home alone after 7 p.m. Monday when she answered a knock at the front door. A man told her he had a letter for Byrne but refused to give his name or state his purpose. Told that Byrne wasn’t home, the man declined to leave the letter and left.

Byrne said he was campaigning in central Alabama and, when his wife phoned him to tell him about the incident, raced home because he was concerned about her safety.

Tuesday morning, he said, he went outside to find the man waiting in his driveway. The man identified himself as a process server and gave Byrne a subpoena related to a lawsuit filed by state Rep. Blaine Galliher, R-Gadsden.

Galliher is one of six lawmakers employed by two-year colleges who are seeking to block the enforcement of a rule that requires them to use leave time to serve in the Legislature. …

‘It was totally inappropriate for them to send someone to my home to scare my wife in the dead of night,’ Byrne said. ‘They’re trying to harass and intimidate me by going through my family. I call upon AEA and the people working with AEA to cease and desist from this sort of tactic.’

Really?

He’s just like a large-looking black man who writes a weekly column about the State Senate out there.

"Legislative Dispatch" will not be taking my thunder.

Hank Sanders, the Brett Favre of the State Senate, announced today that he will seek re-election after initially saying he wouldn’t, ticking off potential replacements who were seeking his endorsement for the seat.

More importantly, we get the preservation of “Senate Sketches,” Alabama’s favorite column authored by a state senator that they kind of know about, but don’t really read on a consistent basis. It may or may not have been a lengthy explanation of the Raelian faith and mushroom casserole instructions. I don’t really know. I’d find out, but there’s all these supposed threats to elected leaders lives and John Tyson’s gambling donations to read about. Plus, just like much of the rest of the State feels about the problems of the Black Belt, I usually don’t go check out any of Sanders’ columns and thus I don’t care.

What is more important about Sanders’ return is that, because he’s the Brett Favre of t he State Senate, it gives me another opportunity to bump up page-views by referencing Favre’s kid-like, polarizing shirtlessness — drawing people who may be into that sort of thing and might stick around to read about Alabama politics.  Or manatee fights. Or Uncle Carter flipping his junk out during Bible study. Whatever.

Shirtless Brett Favre.

Shirtless Brett Favre.

Shirtless Brett Favre.

Shirtless Tim Tebow.

Shirtless Terrence Cody.

Shirtless Hank Sanders.

Yeah, you know you want him to sketch it like that, baby…

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

DON'T DIE, FATASS! FIGHT! THEN DIE!

It’s always sad to read stories like this:

More than 100 manatees have been found dead in Florida waters since the beginning of the year, most of them victims of a nearly two-week cold snap.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the preliminary cause of death for 77 of the endangered animals is cold stress. They were found from Jan. 1 through Jan. 23.

As an enthusiast of Championship Manatee Battles it breaks my heart to hear that dozens of manatees are dying* because of the sharp cold instead of at the surgically attached blades of Cockfight Family’s prize battling sea-cow, BattleSteer IV.

Give to the Cockfight Foundation for Saving the Cold Manatees So They Can Die Honorably in Battle and Won’t Have to Commit Sea-Cow Seppuku today.

It’s like Haitian relief, except closer to home so you’ll still care about it when the plight isn’t trendy anymore.

*Or aren’t blocking potential game-winning field goals by a University of Tennessee kicker.

Speaking of Hank…

Only ye who is unafraid can be beaten 2-to-1 by a half-asleep Jim Folsom in November...

According to The AP, he has some new GOP competition:

Dean Young of Orange Beach announced his candidacy [for lieutenant governor] Tuesday.

Young served as a fundraiser and spokesman when [batshit crazy "THINGS AIN'T JESUS LIKE THEY USED BE!" former "Judge" Roy] Moore was campaigning for chief justice and during Moore’s legal battle to display the Ten Commandments in his courtroom. Young also helped Moore launch his current race for governor.

With this guy and Hank in the race, we could very well have snake-handling as a key part of  a primary debate.

Come on Alabama Public Television. You’ve let us down in the well-groomed anchor department.

You owe us this…

Hanksturbation: Legal language.

Hank Erwin is a Republican State Senator and candidate for Lieutenant Governor. And a jackass.

From the Twitter feed that Hank Erwin doesn’t want my sweet-natured preacher daddy to see because his skin is apparently so thin that it is almost translucent:

I am always amazed by liberals who say that you can’t legislate morality. Duh! All laws are designed to legislate morality.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TAX LAWS TELL YOU NOT TO FORNICATE WITH THINGS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO! WHEN THEY MAKE YOU PAY TAX HIKES THEY ARE ALSO UNFAIR! TAXES ARE YOUR MONEY! BUT THEY ARE TAKEN MORALLY TO PREVENT FOLKS FROM MURDERING HOBOS WHILE TRANSPORTING MALT LIQUOR AND METHAMPHETAMINE ACROSS STATE LINES! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SO GLAD WE USED ZONING LAWS TO KEEP MURDER OUT OF CLANTON! NO ONE WANTS ALL THAT BLOOD ALL OVER THE PEACH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! UNLESS IT IS BABY-SAVING PRO-LIFE BLOOD! THAT PEACH SHOULDN’T GIVE UP ITS ILLICITLY-BRED YOUNG! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bonus:

went to see the movie “Extraordinary Measures” tonight. Bad language at times. But I say Two thumbs up!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BAD LANGUAGE IN A PG-RATED MOVIE IS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN SAYING THAT NEW ORLEANS DESERVED TO DROWN IN KATRINA! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Make-believe.

After deep examination of Alabama’s diseased skin, fifth-place Republican gubernatorial candidate and future Canadian healthcare liberator Dr. Robert Bentley pledged Monday that he’ll do this bitch pro bono until the State reaches full employment again.

This making pledges not to do things we’ll never get an opportunity to turn down sounds like fun!

• If I’m elected governor, I promise not to pee on anyone not named Troy King.
• If I’m elected president, I won’t invade Russia looking for piranhas made of gold-plated weed that makes you fly. Wheeee!
• If I watch Glee, I promise that I won’t enjoy it.
• If I wrap myself naked in bubble-wrap and go hang out in the Scopes monkey trial courtroom, I promise I won’t have se–wait, wait, I did that on Saturday.
• And sadly, if I bone all ten of Mississippi’s attractive women at once, I won’t ask them to call me “Daddy.”"Gov. Riley”? Hell yes.

  “Gov. Barbour” when I’m smoking?

  Always.

Aftershocks.

PRESS RELEASE

January 25, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘APOLOGIZES’ FOR ‘WINSTON COUNTY ROBERT E. LEE DAY HAITIAN-RELIEF FUNDRAISER’

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL –The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and surprisingly least regretful political clans, today issued a formal apology for the events of last week’s  ill-conceived The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind Robert E. Lee Day Haitian Relief Fundraiser.

“We really, really fucked this one up,” said King Cockfight, a failed Georgetown-educated political consultant and interim president of the Jebediah Cockfight Society. “We don’t really make a habit of this, but we want to send our deepest condolences to the victims’ families.

“I guess we probably owe an apology to the ones in Haiti too. If we have anything left over from paying for the property damage and covering our legal bills, we can share that with you,” King went on. “But really, I know that you guys are, you know, hurting or something right now, but still it might be better if you actually gave us some money. We’re in some deep shit.”

The Family has held a Robert E. Lee Day fundraiser for decades, a tradition that started due to a group of now mostly deceased Cockfights’ bitter anger toward the end of segregation — largely because they thought it was “funny.”

“At some point in the Eighties, somebody got a constitutional amendment passed saying we had to have the fundraiser and call it a Robert E. Lee Day fundraiser,” King explained. “And we’d totally change it, but… I mean, did you see how the vote on killing the interracial marriage ban turned out?

“Plus there’s, like, three black people in the entire Free State of Winston,” King added. “Never really understood why we’ve worked so hard to gerrymander them, though.”

“It’s tradition!” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who served in the Reagan administration.

We make our dreams come true.

Nanny only had all the kids around to get money to pay down her Mississippi gambling debts.

The Alabama Department of Human Resources and No Fucking Hippies (DHRFuckUHippie) is stepping up efforts to recruit potential parents for the young in its care.

How are they doing it?

• Through February 21st, free Zune with every adoption.
• Walking through parking lots of malls in Birmingham suburbs, attaching “Oh yeah? Well why don’t you adopt one of these unwanted, unloved kids, then, Cap’n(s) Fuck-Hole?” stickers next to “Pro-Life” bumper stickers on recent-model SUVs, sedans, and minivans.
• Distributing pamphlets on tax deductions available for those with kids along with pamphlets explaining what “taxes” and “deductions” are.
• Long John Silver’s coupons.
• Buying “You can save this one from the Arubans!” billboards in Birmingham area.
• Free PACT contract … oh … oh … sorry…
• Working gun shows as part of groundbreaking “You could train it to kill shit” awareness campaign.
• Training as many of the children in DHRFuckUHippie’s care to be athletically gifted.
• Explaining to prospective parents that an abandoned child is a lot like “when Fox totally buttfucked Firefly into cancellation. So, say, if you adopt this kids, it’s like you’re bringing back Firefly with mystical black preacher man, that hot ass-kicking Terminator-chick,  and that smokin’ hot Geisha whore-lady and everything!” For fans of Joss Whedon’s earlier work, DHRFuckUHippie officials will explain that adopting the child is “a lot like giving Angel the Season 6 it totally fucking deserved, preserving the bad-assed contained-Armageddonish cliffhanger ending but without killing Wesley. Because later-season Wesley is fucking awesome. Isn’t later-season Wesley fucking awesome? That could be your kid, man!”
• Promising upper middle-class white parents that if things work out Sandra Bullock will star in a cheesy, antiseptic post-racial fairytale about their lives.