PRESS RELEASE
December 23, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY URGES OTHER ALABAMA POLITICIANS TO FOLLOW ‘PARKER’ GRIFFITH’S LEAD, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

Now playing for the other team.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most blunt political clans, today urged several Alabama politicians to follow the lead of newly extra-white North Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith and “come out of the closet” about who they really are.
Griffith, who was elected as a Democrat last year and is still believed by several Cockfight Family members not to be an actual human being but a sentient shopping mall in Madison (“I hear there’s a really nice Best Buy there,” the Rev. David Cockfight said.), only sorta-kinda shocked his colleagues in Alabama and Congress by turning GOP on Tuesday, probably because his ass was going to be beat real bad by a conservative more comfortable admitting he or she is really a Republican in 2010.
But members of the Cockfight Family, who have been busy for much of the past month compiling their annual holiday enemies’ lists, were not surprised at all by the announcement.
“These kind of revelations tend to happen a lot around the holidays,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “People come back from Washington for holiday dinner and show up with an oil lobbyist or somebody from big business, and before they can open their mouth to tell those close to them the big revelation, their donors realize that whole voting against healthcare thing and being really against abortion thing from the campaign wasn’t just a phase.”
“I remember all the shame I felt when my son came back from college and told me he was only a moderate Republican,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “He told me that maybe we shouldn’t be so relentless and close-minded about abortion and that perhaps, and it pains me to say this even now, that Social Security might not have been such a terrible idea.
“But in time, I learned that both us are owned to the bone by big business and not very fond of helping minorities and especially the poor, and while I don’t approve all the aspects of his unorthodox politically un-belligerent lifestyle, that common ground has helped me accept and love him for what he is.”
Still, Family members applauded Griffith’s move and urged several other Alabama politicians to bring their lifestyles out in the open to be honest with themselves and their voters — especially one freshman congressman in particular.
“Bobby Bright’s all like ‘I just have some really flamboyantly neoconservative friends!’ and ‘Voting against healthcare reform is just something I like to do for fun — I’m still very attracted to Democratic donors!’” King said. “But we all know the real truth, Bobby, and you don’t have to hide it anymore.
“Everybody knows you’re a big, flaming GOP.”
Other Alabama politicians the Cockfight Family believes should be more truthful about who they are:
- Republican Attorney General Troy King: “Illiteracy is a problem that affects so many Alabamians,” King said. “Much like Lucy Baxley has been an inspiration to those who have suffered strokes, T.K. could really inspire hope among the illiterate attorneys who don’t understand or know how to practice or enforce the law as he is beaten handily and righteously by a comic book super-villain in his party’s primary next year.”
- Former Democratic Governor Don Siegelman: “Everybody knows you’re corrupt as shit, man,” King said. “Come on.”
- Former State GOP Chairwoman Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh: “Even though you’re restricted by Asimov’s Three Laws and the strict rules Governor Riley has set for you, you can make a brave first step for a world where android Republican operatives are considered as human as those born as flesh and bone,” King said.
- Democratic Lt. Governor Jim Folsom: “It’s well past time to admit you’re a Kodiak bear dressed as a man!” said Carter McCarthy Cockfight, 2012 presidential candidate for the “NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!” Party. “Now come on and fight me!”

BALL THOUGHTS: These balls are for sale.
Within hours, Meyer had decided against resigning, instead opting to return after an extended leave of absence.
From: Edward T. Cockfight II (blackpenis228@hotmail.com)
To: Jeremy Foley (jerecurl61@uf.edu)
Subject: Fuck yeah! Hire me as your coach!
Dear Mr. Foley:
My name is Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight. You may remember me as the man who pissed on your lawn a few years back after you refused to hire back Steve Spurrier as coach without an interview. I assure you that I meant that as a sign of respect, making your territory mine as well in respect for your professional integrity as an athletic gate-keeper unbeholden to your program’s history or tradition when it comes to finding the right, most vibrant coach for the job.
But I am also the head coach of the Southwest New Mexico A&M University Skeet-Owls, the 2009 winners of NAIA Division II’s Johnson & Johnson No Tears League conference and playoff semifinalist. As I sat here in this Houston strip club with my attorney trying to shore up my program’s 2010 recruiting class, I was shocked to hear of Coach Meyer’s apparent retirement from a stripper who was reminding me quite emphatically about the tyrannical “No touch” rule. While I am sure you are to speak to some of the hottest names in Division I coaching in the coming hours and days, I would like to ask that you think outside the box and consider me as a possibility for your next head coach. Continue reading ‘BALL THOUGHTS: These balls are for sale.’