PRESS RELEASE

July 10, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY OFFERS TO LET ‘DEMOCRATIC’ PARTY PICK THROUGH ITS TRASH TO SEARCH FOR A GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE

Just support Artur already goddammit.

NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vicious political clans, today formally offered to let the Democratic Party go through any trash can, dumpster, or fly-swarmed compost heap to search for a somewhat successful white person to run against Congressman Artur Davis’ for the party’s nomination for Governor.

Some Democrats are afraid of the political and patronage consequences of Davis being the party’s candidate. The only other Democrat in the race, radical Leftist Agriculture Commissioner Ron Sparks, is believed not to be a real person, but the handsomely mustachioed creation of  a widely successful Internet PhotoShopping competition that has somehow attained and held elected office for the past eight years.

Most recently, party insiders have apparently been trying to recruit Susan Parker, who may be a Hoover City Councilwoman or a Secretary in the Opp Mayor’s Office.

Cockfight Family members admitted that until recently they were not really sure.

“We all thought she was like some sort of State legislator from one of those irrelevant parts of the State — like Huntsville,” said King A. Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “But no, she’s on the Public Service Commission or some silly irrelevant shit, which means it’s not like she’s a real candidate they’re recruiting — and she turned them down!”

“So we figured,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who worked in Republican presidential administrations in the 1980s and early 1990s, “that we should let them pick through our trash for a gubernatorial candidate.

“No matter how much it stinks from baking in the hot summer sun, it is still far better than the lessers’ trash, and given the low and easy standards set by their grooming of fraudulent Socialist President NObama, we figured they could find someone they could pick to run against that other undesirable. It’s  so cute when they lie to themselves like that! Support Kay and killing PACT in ‘10!”

“Maybe they could go through the compost heap and make ‘em some sorta Shit-Man — that’d be made out shit and such,” said Carter Cockfight, a former Lowndes County Commissioner running for president for the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION” Party in 2012.

“Uh, if you spot any Asian pornography in my trash,” Carter went on, “that ain’t mine.  ‘Cause I ain’t for immigrants such. Even the pretty Asian ones.

“That’s, uh, to ward off the zombies — the immigrants zombies! Zombies love Asian porn. The immigrants too. Because I hear they think, uh, that Asian women are mighty fine! Maybe they are! I wouldn’t know! You some kind of gay or somethin’?!”

“Wait, who is running for governor again?” said the Rev.  David Cockfight, a successful self-help author and semi-retired travel and supply minister. “I don’t really follow politics all that much, and I keep losing track of all the crazy things we do.”

Should Democrats not be willing to dig elbow deep through the Cockfights’ trash, the Family also offered a handful of low-rent alternative candidate suggestions:

• Larry Langford — An ambitious planner whose catchphrase — “Let’s  do something!” — is only half-tarded. Also, unlike apparently 75% of the black elected officials in the Birmingham metropolitan area, he has not been convicted on federal charges yet…
• George Wallace — There isn’t any rule saying a termed-out corpse can’t run for Governor is it? Didn’t think so.
• Carter Cockfight – Being governor would greatly boost his 2012 presidential campaign, and his wild views on guns, sexual mores, and immigration are likely to draw Alabama’s key crazy white people vote. He would also be a more convincing social conservative pretending to be a Democrat than Secret Republican Congressman Bobby Bright.