I said, 'Do you speak-a my language?'

Has all of the Natalee Hollaway action figures. And souvenir plates. And Halloween costume...

It was night in Alabama.

In Birmingham, a baby was being born addicted to crack. In Huntsville, they were building rockets and eating at the Olive Garden — to survive.

In Mobile, they were feeding oysters to French Catholic zombies. Whatever Mobile people do.

But it was night, and suddenly, a call went out over the land:

Who — dare I say? — WHO shall weigh in on the bullshit legal outrage issue du jour somehow related to Alabama?

In his office in Montgomery, Attorney General Troy King  turns to the inflatable, fuckable pig hanging on his wall and mouths, without a sound, “T.K. will.”

And here is what he did:

Alabama Attorney General Troy King has sent a legal brief to Australian prosecutors citing several reasons why a Hoover man sentenced to 12 months in prison in the death of wife should receive more jail time.

‘If we don’t file anything and sit home and do nothing, the Australians will never hear Alabama’s perspective on this case,’ King said. ‘I do not believe the Australians are unjust people and I know the country doesn’t want the reputation of the new Aruba.’

Did he mean their reputation as a beautiful vacation hotspot where people speak Dutch and such?

Or perhaps he means that they could be mentioned in a relaxing Beach Boys song about wooing a “pretty momma” — be it a special lady, man, or inflatable, fuckable pig — to a tranquil, sandy beach for hours of sweet lovemaking under the nonjudgmental gaze of coconuts and the odd chirping tropical bird and/or curious monkey?

Or maybe he just means the last place someone saw a dead blond girl from Mountain Brook who acted dumb and  went to a beach with three strange men she just met?

Yeah, that.

Really, T.K.? What kind of retard argument is “I think Australia doesn’t want to be the next Aruba”? You might could pull that with some other dipshit island, but you can’t “You don’t wanna be Aruba!” with a continent.

First of all, what recognition does Aruba have other than Natalee Hollaway and a mention in that Beach Boys song? Nothing. They are happy island place relatively close to the equator like dozens  of other happy island places relatively near the equator. Australia, on the other hand, remains a motherfucking continent with its own unique and respectable culture, newspapers, and blond, knife-wielding action stars.

Australia gave us Heath Ledger. Aruba was the place where Natalee Hollaway acted  stupid and got killed.

Australia gave us the phrase “Dingo ate my baby!” Aruba was the place where Natalee Hollaway acted stupid and got killed.

Australia gave us the bloomin’ fucking onion. Aruba was the place where Natalee Hollaway acted stupid and got killed.

Do you really have nothing else to do these days, T.K.? You act like a lame duck when I hear you’re up for re-election next year and could get blitzed by a formidable, extremely tall opponent in the primary. I’m sure prancing around in your cowboy boots, not really attempting to know or influence any meaningful legal issue is what you think might win you re-election and make all those rumors and potential federal indictments fade away, but really, all it does is sink you so far deep in the shit that I would be honestly surprised if Luther Strange doesn’t hold a double-digit lead over you right now.

But go on, Troy. Keep lobbing goofy outrage at issues you saw on Nancy Grace and working to ban the sex offenders from things and making sure the homos ain’t trying to queer up Alabama through humid temptation of their overwhelming gayness. Maybe you can make a graphic speech about some meaningless bullshit while wearing your adorable bulletproof vest, because they really are all out to get you.

I reckon we might have a real attorney general soon enough.