GUBERNATORIAL POWER RANKINGS, Volume 1: Riding these horseys is oh-so-very-much fun.

August 17, 2009

The J. Eagle Cockfight Company is proud to present the first in its semi-regular series of “power rankings” of Alabama’s 2010 gubernatorial candidates. These rankings are offered more than a year in advance of the 2010 General Election — the earliest they’ve ever been released –  in response to the State’s press’ continued breathless coverage of allegedly important early campaign functions, such as the one a few weeks ago where the candidates told people with money things they wanted to here in hopes they would share some of the aforementioned money with them.

These rankings show where candidates from both major parties likely stand in winning their party’s nominations and subsequently who is likely to win a General Election matchup between candidates of equal ranking on the list. Because of a shortage of viable Democratic candidates compared to a crowded Republican field, a handful of “potential” hopefuls have been added to fill out the rankings.

These rankings were determined by J. Eagle Cockfight II, a conservative lobbyist and longtime GOP operative who served in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, and his nephew King A. Cockfight, a “semi-prominent” Alabama political Weblogger and on-again, off-again political consultant whose Georgetown education and experience in the Clinton White House at an extremely young age remains one of the Cockfight Family’s greatest sources of pride and whose subsequent dropoff in motivation and casual substance abuse remains one of its greatest sources of fear and shame.

	Democratic hopefuls	Republican hopefuls	Likely winner
1	Artur Davis Allegedly accomplished congressman who is black and thus is automatically considered progressive.	Bradley Byrne Allegedly accomplished former state senator and two-year college system chancellor who apparently did not misuse community college resources to benefit his family and friends or set up extended encounters with a few acceptable-looking hookers who want to study AUTOCAD on the side and thus is automatically considered progressive.	Bradley Byrne Until further notice, Alabama’s appetite for progression stops at “mother of pearl.”
2	A Great White Shark* A natural-born killing machine capable of shredding any number of innocent victims — usually seals and mammals of similar size — to death within moments. Said to be a fiscal conservative, leading pundits to believe that he is a more electable Democrat because Alabama voters will apparently cast a ballot for anything that the adjective “conservative” is used to describe.	Kay Ivey The plantation-voiced State Treasurer who is a natural-born neglect machine capable of shredding innocent lives — usually investors in a prepaid college tuition program — to massive financial loss and near-collapse within months. Has money to spend on campaign, leading pundits to believe she is more electable than some other candidates.	Kay Ivey Her destructive ability is unmatched…
3	The Six-Dollar Burger (at Hardee’s)* A largely brainless slab of meat that only has one issue to run on: “I LOOK LIKE AND SAY I SHOULD COST SIX DOLLARS, BUT I ONLY COST FOUR!”	Roy Moore A largely brainless slab of meat that only has one issue to run on: “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!”	Roy Moore He loves Jesus so very hard…
4	Ron Sparks* Outgoing Agriculture Commissioner who has ran a hamfisted and boilerplate campaign for governor when he would be better-suited for running for lieutenant governor at best right now.	Tim James Son of a goofy former governor who has ran a hamfisted and boilerplate campaign for governor when he would be better-suited to running for lieutenant governor at best right now.	Push Sparks is underwhelming, but as Agriculture Commissioner he is apt to have been trained to wrangle dangerous flaming shit-clouds of death such as James.
5	Mexican Don Siegelman* Convicted former governor who wants to take a tour around the state before he goes back to jail, has decided that wearing high quantities of spray-on tan while speaking in a comically exaggerated accent for a highly-illegal phantom gubernatorial campaign is the best way to do this.	Dr. Robert Bentley Older Tuscaloosa doctor who wants to take a tour around the state before he retires, has decided running for governor is the best way to do this.	Mexican Don Siegelman Yes, a gubernatorial run for our generation’s corrupt Democratic governor of choice would be incredibly illegal and highly unlikely to succeed — and yet it is entirely more believable than Dr. Robert Bentley ever becoming governor.
6	Billy Joe Camp* WHO?!	Bill Johnson WHO?!	The End-Times.

*Certain Alabama Democratic Party sources tell us these are not actual gubernatorial candidates.

About these ads