September 10, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY MANIPULATED INTO SUPPORT OF ‘SIX’ DOLLAR BURGER, BURGLED
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and usually most skeptical political clans, today formally announced that they were conned into supporting the fictional “Six Dollar Burger” candidate for Governor — an experiment that led to the burglary of their historic Family mansion in Winston County and the temporary shutdown of on-again, off-again political consultant King Cockfight’s semi-influential Weblog.
A conman and apparently avid regular reader of King’s Weblog posed as The Burger’s Campaign Manager approached the Family about a potential partnership, promising several key State appointments should the delicious slab of meat be elected in November 2010.
“We should’ve known that it was unlikely that his campaign manager would really be named ‘Carl Hardees III’ or that there was a charbroiled hamburger out there meeting with supporters and typing out campaign tweets on his BlackBerry,” King said today. “Then again, being experts and self-serving architects of Alabama’s fucked-up government, we know the 1901 Constitution allowed that catfish platter from Catfish Cabin II to be Mayor of Athens for much of the 1990′s.”
“He made me believe in change,” said a heartbroken, teary-eyed Carter Cockfight, a retired Lowndes County, Alabama, Commissioner and 2012 presidential nominee of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party, “and that the Bacon Ranch Fries were better than the Chili Cheese Fries.
“But both were lies.”
Unfortunately, it was all a ruse. As he was tweeting away about the Six Dollar Burger’s supposed activities in Southeast Alabama on Tuesday, “Carl Hardees III” was actually poking around the Historic Cockfight Mansion as King, the Mansion’s sole occupant, was working as interim president of the Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind.
Fortunately, King has moved most of his valuables to the Cockfight Society’s offices, where he has been sleeping in a seemingly endless string of bitter drunken stupors for most of the past month.
The thief only got away with several financial a statements, a couple checkbooks, an artificial leg, and a box of Victoria’s Secret panties stored at the Mansion for a Cockfight Family yard sale that never came to pass.
“We don’t know whose goddamned leg that was,” King said. “But we do know whose panties those were.”
“Ew,” said King’s sister, Queen Cockfight, a freshman studying International Business on scholarship at The University of Alabama. “EEEEWWWWW!“
Angry at his little get, “Carl Hardees III” left several notes and photos around the Mansion threatening to post those pictures to The Six Dollar Burger’s Twitpic account. Photographs and images of Cockfights and especially the Mansion are considered verboten by the Family because of a generations-long fear of the house being overwhelmed and pillaged by a horde of unbathed Winston County lessers angry over the many injustices engineered or personally committed against them by the Cockfights over the years.
Already afraid of such a tragedy happening because of the lessers’ potential excitement over President Obama speaking in alleged support of a government-run health plan, the Cockfights panicked, reporting The Six Dollar Burger’s transgressions to Twitter and temporarily taking down King’s Weblog.
“Luckily, it’s apparently specifically against Twitter’s rules to impersonate a hamburger, so they were more than willing to ban him in the middle of the night,” King said. “Shutting down the Weblog temporarily was probably an overreaction, and honestly we should’ve known better — with all our combined political and legal instinct — that all this Six Dollar Burger Twitter stuff would’ve ended badly — no matter how much attention we got. We apologized to the literally threes of lessers with Internet access who use our Weblog to help them understand politics and, more practically for them, colors, shapes, words, and numbers.
“I guess we, like several in the Alabama Democratic Party, would rather believe in a talking hamburger than vote for a black man as governor.”