Hanksturbation.

Hank Erwin: State senator, lieutenant governor candidate, that creepy person you kinda wanna block on Twitter.

Unless you take the BlackBerry away from him, there’s no way to turn Hank Erwin off from wildly tweeting on a Saturday night.

I am a social conservative who is very impressed with homeschooling. It is very effective. The results are undeniable.

Does this mean that he think the Alabama school system should be dissolved and its pupils descended into educational anarchy more than they already are? Is this just related to his support of the Alabama Tim Tebow bill, which was a terrible way to refer to a bill during the legislative session just months after Tebow denied the Crimson Tide a chance to play in a national championship.

Does Hank still want to call it the Tim Tebow bill now that Tebow has visited New Orleans, a city Hank thinks deserved to drown for its sins in the waters of Hurricane Katrina?

He only has 140 characters and he probably didn’t see the people asking him at least one of those questions for he was too busy letting those bored enough to be on Twitter on a Saturday night exactly who he is.

I am a social conservative who believes the Bible cover to cover. It blesses everything it touches.

Hank Erwin has read the Bible cover to cover and he believes all of it — and he knows it blesses him when he touches it. So if Hank Erwin were to, say, throw his Bible at you and break your nose, you shouldn’t get upset about it, for his Bible has blessed your nose by touching it at the same time it was crushing the cartilage and shattering the septum.

And were you on the Twitter between sometime around the end of the Liberty Bowl and the beginning of a clawless Texas Tech team toying with Sparty enough to make it think they can’t be beaten by an adolescent that willingly goes by the name “Stick” in the final minutes, you might could message Hank about whether he feels, because he has read his Bible cover to cover, if hypothetically using it to break someone’s nose is one of those “mysterious ways” kind of blessings.

I do not believe anyone asked him this question, but if they had, Hank Erwin likely would have ignored it for he was too busy telling a small number of people who care enough to see what he’s writing on Twitter deep into the hours of a Saturday night about who he is.

(Also, he probably didn’t know he can people’s responses to him on the Twitter app on his BlackBerry.)

I am a social conservative who bleeds pro-life. I believe the unborn have a right to life.

RAAAAAAAAAAAH! HANK ERWIN WILL KEEP YOU FROM ABORTING BY OPENING HIS OWN VEINS! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAH! UNBORN CHILDREN HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO GO TO NEW ORLEANS YET AND THUS DESERVE TO LIVE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AND HE’LL BLEED OUT A REAL MAN TO MARRY YOUR UNWED TEEN MOTHER ASS TOO! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I am a social conservative who believes you have a right to defend your home at any costs. No retreat. Action upon provocation.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IT’S AFTER 10 P.M. TWEETIN’ TIME, AND AFTER 10 P.M. HANK DOESN’T TAKE SHIT FROM NO ONE WHO EFFS WITH HIS HOME! AFTER 10 P.M. HANK WILL DESTROY YOUR ASS ANY WAY HE DEEMS NECESSARY AND HE WON’T RETREAT WHILE HE DOES IT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AND EVEN THOUGH 10 P.M. HANK SHARES 9 P.M. HANK’S “PRO-LIFE” BLOOD, 10 P.M. HANK IS UNAFRAID TO TWEET AN ENDORSEMENT OF KILLING LESS THAN HOUR AFTER TWEETING ABOUT THE RIGHT TO LIFE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 10 P.M. HANK IS TOO BUSY KICKING ASS TO UNDERSTAND IRONY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! POSTED FROM WEB!  RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I am a social conservative who believes tax cuts are more effective than tax hikes. Give the money to you. It’s yours.

After 11 p.m., the party i s over and Hank wants to talk  economic p olicy. And 11 p.m. Hank IS DONE KICKIN’ ASS AND NOW WANTS TO PAY YOU MONEY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! 11 P.M. HANK IS LIKE GREENTRACK HE PAYS YOU MONEY EXCEPT WITHOUT ALL THAT EVIL STAN GAMBLIN’ THAT MIGHT MAKE ASS-KICKIN’, DEATH-ENDORSIN’ 10 P.M. HANK TO COME BACK OUT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ADDED THAT IT’S YOUR MONEY FOR POPULIST RING! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! IN THE MOSTLY CEREMONIAL ROLE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR ALL HANKS WOULD HAVE LITTLE TO NO ACTUAL INFLUENCE ON ANY THE ISSUES TWEETED ABOUT TONIGHT! ELECTORATE PROBABLY DOESN’T KNOW THAT! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DOES HANK KNOW THAT? RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

…

I understand he’s a social conservative.