'Let my eerie white Republican vagueness warm you.'

'My picture is awfully tiny. Perhaps you can enlarge so all can understand and embrace my gentle Caucasian charm."

I would like to thank all of you Byrne-rs and Byrne-ttes for coming out to this ungodly cold airfield in Mobile today. I know I’m supposed to be announcing an economic plan, but I don’t really have many details to give you — I’ll do that at other events in the coming weeks. Maybe.

But don’t you worry your sweet little Byrne-r and Byrne-tte heads about that. Let my eerie white Republican vagueness warm you.

Sure, my economic plan so far might seem empty, unoriginal, and banal: Tax incentives, no new taxes, encouraging businesses and universities and industries to do things.

In fact, aside from “ethics,” the only thing I’ve proposed with anything resembling meaning, a State office dedicated to fighting legislation such as the card check bill, seems silly and emphasizes that the only real platform plank I’ve defined so far is an outstretched middle finger to politically powerful unions. And it’s not as if our State is traditionally heavy on working class jobs filled by people, who, in these desperate economic times when the rate of unemployment is high and the layoffs are many, would likely take a job that involves their bosses pooping on them while they perform dangerous manufacturing work — something unions would frown upon and maybe even protect them against.

And if there were such jobs, how dare the unions prevent our principled business owners from employing hardworking Alabamians by demanding luxurious standards such as “decent pay,” “workplace safety,”  “health insurance,” “not being made to work seven days a week,” and “not being forced to wear ‘I’m poor and stupid and I ain’t got no college ’cause I’m  stupid and poor!!’ T-shirts on the job.”

This is a recession.

And I’m sure some of you may think that how I will likely spread out what should be one big platform announcement into what appears to be several weeks of separate press conferences, likely in the big metropolitan markets along I-65, casts me as a bit of a vapid media whore who has seemingly been this race for going on at least two years now and still has not produced a meaningful, original, or actually substantial idea for attacking the State’s many grave problems yet is still somehow considered the front-runner to be the Republican nominee and then the State’s Governor.

Don’t think about these things. Just trust me that, over the next year, I’m repeatedly going to wrap my slender but strong, milky-white arms around this State and whisper gently into its ear, again and again, “Hey there. I was in charge of the two-year college system for a bit and nothing corrupt seemed to happen. That could maybe sorta possibly mean that I could do something about ethics if I’m in charge of everything. Why don’t you make me your Governor, folks?”

So please, don’t ask me any questions about why I’m the front-runner.

Just gaze deep into me and  my vague, anonymous, boring cut-and-paste platform that I may put together by sometime by April or May and know that I am the front-runner.

But if your erection lasts for more than four hours, you should probably call a doctor.