February 8, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY EXPRESSES CONTINUED CONCERN OVER BOTTOM-SCRAPING FINANCIAL SITUATION OF SIXTH-PLACE REPUBLICAN ‘CANDIDATES’ FOR GOVERNOR
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most pro-“Oglethorpe’s Claw” political clans, announced today that they remain deeply worried about the dire personal state of sixth-place GOP gubernatorial candidate Bill Johnson.
Close to two weeks ago, Johnson and his wife Kathy announced they were staying in Birmingham-area homeless shelters. Last week, the Johnsons, both of whom are unemployed, announced on their website that they are “looking for jobs. Not just any jobs — they want to find Alabama’s dirtiest jobs.”
“One day you’re taking a polygraph test to prove that Gov. Riley’s a liar and his anti-gambling stance are merely orders from his shadowy Mississippi Injun masters, the next you’re looking at being the second assistant to the guy who likes to use his pinky to practice hamster husbandry the hard way in an Athens pet shop,” said King Cockfight, a failed you’re Georgetown-educated political consultant and interim president of the Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “I mean sure, this could be some sort of lame populist pandering attempt by a hardcore right-wing Republican who doesn’t even think the university that bears the State’s name deserves to have top-notch facilities built with federal government money that belittles the dire plight of Alabamians who have no opportunities available to them but to work as elderly horse testicle wrangler trainee probably just so the Johnsons can not-so-subtly call Tim James and Bradley Byrne a couple of soft-palmed vaginas who’ve never worked a real job in their lives. But his wife and him are so unemployed, and his campaign is doing so bad, that they must be doing what they can keep their pride while still finishing lower than the bitch who killed PACT in the Republican primary.
“Jesus Christ, Robert Bentley, can’t you see the Johnson Family is in pain?” King added in frustration. “Why won’t you give your imaginary gubernatorial salary to them?
“Or did that go to pay toward your crappy, underfunded campaign too?”
The news is even more troubling amid reports that Agricultural Commissioner candidate Glen Zorn was spotted foraging for food behind a Chinese buffet in Cullman and holding up a sign promising “WILL INSPECT CORN 4 FOOD” off the southbound shoulder of Interstate 65.
While some Family members saw opportunity in having a mujahideen-experienced worker — “Polar bear at the ‘Farm’ property’s really been shittin’ and pissin’ a lot lately. Real fuckin’ hard to clean a polar bear’s shit and piss durin’ the winter months. Doesn’t think it’s cold enough in Lowndes,” said Carter M. Cockfight, a former Lowndes County Commissioner and future “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party candidate for president – others, including those who did not know of Johnson or care about his plight two weeks ago, were much more dramatically affected.
“No Republican candidate should ever be Chilton County diarrhea hugger,” said a tearful J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “But the Chilton County diarrhea hugger should always be a Republican.
“It’s a way of acknowledging your place when you accept that you must pay the tax burden on your $4.50 an hour job so I can have a tax cut on my new gold-plated pontoon boat. I call it ‘Reagan Chainsaws a Welfare Queen.’”
Still some Family members remained happily apathetic over the Johnsons’ plight.
“Bill and Kathy Johnson Do Alabama’s Dirtiest Job?” said the Rev. David Cockfight, a semi-retired travel and supply minister. “Yeah, that sounds like something me and the bride’d watch before Thursday night maritals.
“You know, provided there’s not a new 30 Rock on.”