March 17, 2010
COCKFIGHT FAMILY ENCOURAGES RON SPARKS’ MUSTACHE TO FIND A BETTER HOME AS ‘CAMPAIGN’ FLAILS
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most facial hair supporting-est political clans, today formally urged radical Leftist Agricultural Commissioner Ron Sparks’ manly mustache to move on after the Democrat’s campaign pissily accused Webloggers this week of being paid off by Congressman Artur Davis’ campaign to criticize Sparks.
“Campaigns tend to get more than a little snippy when things start looking grim,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “But sending a ‘press release’ that reads like a paranoid internal e-mail written by a college intern accusing one of the State’s ten surviving pure liberals with an Internet connection of plagiarism because they think your campaign is doing a shitty job in randomly accusing your rival of being on the take with Big Oil, well, that’s what we like to call, in technical terms, Defcom Bloodshit.
“What, was The Atmore Advance too busy writing about someone buying a new rake to return your calls?”
The Cockfight Family has long been deeply disappointed in Sparks campaign because it has wasted its biggest political strength: Sparks’ finely-kempt, throwback North Alabama mustache.
“Ron Sparks’ mustache reminds me of a day when everything was right in the world — a time when we didn’t have to worry about undesirable interbreeding, largely because costs kept the poor out of college and therefore you wouldn’t have to worry about some filthy lesser being bluntly dipped into your Family’s socioeconomically-pure gene pool,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “Thankfully, those days will be here again soon enough, and I somewhat saw Sparks’ wonderful mustache as a harbinger of such a return to glory.
“Unfortunately, it attached itself to the wrong candidate.”
Losing the mustache would surely be a crippling, if not fatal blow to the Sparks’ campaign, given that Sparks was able to acquire a $500,000 loan largely off the strength of the mustache’s exemplary credit.
But it could also be a boon to the mustache’s own political career. While courts have not resolved whether or not a mustache can run for office without being attached to a human under Alabama’s racist 1901 Constitution, facial hair can start their own PACs, as settled by Worley v. Roger Bedford’s Five O’clock Shadow (2004).
Given the flushness of its MustachePAC, Sparks’ ‘stache could become the political free agent who can single-hairedly decide the 2010 gubernatorial race in choosing its new home.
Below, the Cockfight Family has provided a list of suggested candidates with whom Sparks’ mustache could team. The Cockfights, in respect to the mustache’s own bushy political savvy, endorses none of the options below, but it does entreaty the mustache to decide to move on soon: