Extraordinarily white Republican Governor-Elect Robert “Sean-John” Bentley will be sworn-in this afternoon.
Alabama’s inaugural events have a rich tradition, but with so many events and so few of them involving fucking sheep while listening to The Doobie Brothers (pre-Michael McDonald), it is a tradition of which many of the lessers may be unaware.
As a service to them and an ego boost to ourselves because of our personal invitation to many of the festivities, the Cockfight Family is proud to share with you a schedule of today’s events:
9 a.m. Governor-Elect Bentley is removed from the ceremonial hyperbaric chamber he was placed in by the Legislature’s new GOP majority immediately after his election in order to ensure he did not turn “Democrat, gay, Muslim, or all three.”
9:30 a.m. Alabama breaks up with Governor Bob Riley the only way its people know how: Tossing his shit out the window and screaming “Y’all all going to Hell when you die!” at him and his family.
9:45 a.m. The inauguration parade begins with Senate Republicans proudly leading a naked, dog-collared Paul Hubbert covered in motor oil down the street as the House GOP throw sticks of chalk at his junk. This will be followed by a float on the benefits of education privatization “for the right children.”
10 a.m. Representatives of the vast majority of the State’s population are marched out to Dexter Avenue, locked in a rusty cage, and deliberately starved by the State government’s new Republican leadership. After generations of being negligently starved by self-obsessed Democratic leadership, the voters inside the cage are deeply appreciative of the attention.
10:30 a.m. The parade is abruptly stopped and everyone pretends to do something else as Tim James drives by.
10:45 a.m. Riley carted in, giving State’s political press one more time to furiously whack him off for not shitting the bed and giving the State’s Education Budget to high-priced whores during his term as Governor.
11:20 a.m. The new Republican era in Alabama is further marked as a large video screen on Dexter Avenue shows a cheering crowd images of a barge full of Alabama children dependent on social safety net programs and services being cast off from Mobile Bay in the general direction of Mississippi.
11:30 a.m. Fifteen uninterrupted minutes of flipping off an image of Barack Obama.
11:45 a.m. Riley is called to the stage and asked which of three constitutionally-mandated Alabama post-gubernatorial fates he would like to accept: Indictment, death, or Fob James. He chooses Fob James and immediately drops his pants, puts on an oversized foam cowboy hat, and begins farting and yelling stupid shit at the top of his lungs to the delight of a cheering crowd.
Noon Bentley takes the stage and takes his oath of office with one hand on a copy of The Mind of the South.
12:05 pm. Bentley opens his inauguration speech by marking Martin Luther King, Jr. Day — and drawing a huge roar from the predominantly Republican crowd — by proclaiming that Alabama still does not and will never guarantee any of its children a right to a public education.
1 p.m. Spoiled, deliberately uninformed upper middle-class angrily demands 100% tax cuts. Conservative talk radio responds by saying Bentley has lost touch with his Republican values and should be impeached.
5 p.m. Exterminators finally take care of hazardous Lowell Barron problem that had infested Statehouse basement since Election Day.
7 p.m. Inaugural ball begins, though in a much more reserved fashion to honor Governor Bentley’s request to keep this year’s events low key because of the tough economy. This means Alabama’s robber barron overlords will be dancing around in blackface while masturbating onto the crowd closer to 7:30, so you should probably show up as early as possible.
10:30 p.m. The start of new Alabama Treasurer Young Boozer‘s inaugural ball after-party, or as he describes it, “The one where all dem hot fiscally and morally conservative ‘Pubby bitches will be lookin’ to get their historic legislative double-majority freak on, motherfucka! WHAT! WHAT!”
Midnight Alabama remains the exact same fucked-up bastion of crushed dreams and social and political dysfunction that it was the day before.