PRESS RELEASE
January 16, 2011
COCKFIGHT FAMILY TOSSES UNWAVERING SUPPORT BEHIND ‘GOVERNOR’ DR. DR. ROBERT BENTLEY DR.’S PLAN TO ELIMINATE PUBLIC EDUCATION IN ALABAMA
Your free ride is over, assholes!
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most rigorously practical clans, today marked Dr. Martin Luther King’s memory by supporting Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr.’s plan to eventually do away with public education in Alabama.
Bentley is asking the Legislature to set a voter referendum on merging the State’s education budget with its general fund budget because he wants to spend money elsewhere. The two budgets have been split to stop the State’s political leaders from funneling money away from education, but Bentley wants to change that.
“Alabama’s school-age children, like all government employees, take our hard-earned, excruciatingly parted-with tax dollars and do nothing as part of an unconstitutional, redistributionist policy of anti-capitalist socialism in action,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a prominent Republican strategist who served in the Reagan administration. “Their ‘learning’ is taking away tax funding that could be given to our highest-earners that they can spend on themselves and perhaps eventually create jobs with.
“That’s how the Free Market is supposed to work!”
The quality and content of what is taught in Alabama’s public education system further justifies its elimination.
“They teachin’ our kids to be gay and hate Jesus!” said Carter Cockfight, the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party nominee for president. “And teachin’ it to immigrant kids too, so they can use our gay, Jesus-hatin’ knowledge back against us!
“Throw ‘em all out!”
The Cockfight Family also sees the lagging returns from the State’s investment in education as another sign that the system needs to be eliminated.
“We’ve been not spending and not spending and not spending,” Eagle said. “It’s clear that if they can’t do more with less when we basically did nothing to educate a massive portion of the population for decades that the system has failed and it needs go. The anarchists say that we could simply change the tax system to actually bring in more money for both the education fund and the general fund, but we are spending too much money at an increasingly diminished rate in a bad economy for this to continue.
“I mean, jobs. Jobs. Jobs.”
Of course, the elimination of public schools means that thousands of Alabama’s schoolchildren—even worse, untamed lesser schoolchildren—will be unattended during the day.
The Cockfight Family, however, believes in letting the Free Market decide who spends their childhood learning: Those from more affluent and better families will be sent to private schools, whereas lesser children, according to the Cockfight Family’s “Return to Greatness 2012 Plan” that has been distributed to legislators across the country over the past few months, can improve Alabama’s economy by having their parents sell or lease them to work picking crops abandoned by lazy sub-Americans threatened with imprisonment and deportation.
Once the child has reached an age where the learning would ruin their productivity, the child may then be educated with funds made from the sale of their labor, perhaps.
Eagle commented: “This profitable indenturing of Alabama’s lesser children—black and white—is the kind of equality that Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed of. We must all do our part to see his dream of a return to a better time to fruition.”
