Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.
Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.
-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.
Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.
…
Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?
Goddammit.
-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.
I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.
I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.
Bad things are going to start happening soon.
Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…
-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.
But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.
In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.
As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.
And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.
No one, dammit.
-Twinkle Andress don’t drive her car right, and now she has been ticketed twice for driving with a suspended license. You should care about this because if she is elected as Public Service Commission President, she will deliberately drive into power poles and knock out power for the entire state AND EPA!
Why do we have a partisan election for this gig again?
-Following yesterday’s assertion that Scott Beason could count to ten, he decided he would prove me very, very wrong.
Seriously, Scott, you’re killing me as a campaign guy here. If you’re gonna hit the other guy for not making public appearances on the district (as Beason does in the link above), be smart enough to keep track of it sooner so you don’t have to break that out in the most hamfisted (and unintentionally concealed) way possible on the last day of the damn campaign.
In more mirthful matters regard the Beason campaign, there’s this from the frontpage slideshow on his website:
“A Christian conservative, Scott Beason will not allow the federal government to mandate that children’s playground slides be turned into abortion machines.”
-Oh, and Jefferson County could completely shit the bed on a nationally watched, big-turnout election day where Beason, who shoved the county further down the path to financial oblivion, is campaigning on having done so as a reason he should be sent to Congress.
So that will end well.
-Without noting (or possibly being aware of) Beason’s badly ran campaign, The Fix notes that, thanks to Super PAC dollah, Beason could force Bachus into a runoff, as could the latest round of not-credible Tea Party challengers to gentle sea-turtle Congressman Jo Bonner.
-Polling shows that Alabamians are a bunch of dumb assholes.
-Turnout’s gonna be a high and shit. Especially in those equally highly engaged and exciting Democratic races for [FILE NOT FOUND] and [AN IPAD 3 FOR JUST $20! FIND OUT HOW!].
As always, great roundup of the best locally-relevant political news.