The Cockfight Family.

Because the Cockfight family is as vast as their influence in the pastures and endless woods of West Alabama, the Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind has assembled this helpful series of short profiles on living family members and notable Cockfights from throughout history.

We also have included whether certain family members have been targeted for disownment by voice vote at the annual Cockfight Family “We Really Do Care About the Troops” Memorial Day Cookout held at the Earl Cockfight Memorial Shoney’s and Meeting Hall in navigable Reform, Alabama.

We do not, however, include Family members who have been quietly rejected in closed-door meetings or executive sessions of the so-called “Parliament of Cockfights.” Nor those the Family tends not to acknowledge even if they’re in the same room. The latter happens much more often than one might think.

King A. Cockfight
The main author of this Weblog, King is an attorney, a Georgetown-educated writer, and a political consultant. In addition to advising political clients, he spends most of his days drinking, reading the news, drinking some more, then talking about the news. He occasionally goes on benders that end with him teaching at a some fairly respected university. He refuses to take this as a sign.

He also tweets a lot.

Current occupation: Executive consultant for the Jebediah Cockfight Society for the Remedy of the Idle Blind, though he sometimes takes on a greater role because of certain people’s drug addictions.

Ever nominated to be disowned?: Only once when he concluded that the two-party American political system substituted two overly broad and ultimately impractical philosophies when more pragmatic, situational candidates are often the best choices.

Family members chafed at this, though not because of the difficult-to-overcome social inertia halting the adoption of a true multiparty system in the United States. Historically, the Cockfight clan has always advocated limiting any kind of choice.

The Rev. David Cockfight
King’s father, a successful self-help author who has turned out best sellers such as The Two-Step Guide to Losing Weight, The One-Step Guide to Avoiding Adultery, and Stop Eating All the Damn Waffles: The Two-Step Guide to Losing Weight, Part II.

Operating under a philosophy strongly advocated by his ancestor Oglethorpe Cockfight, Dave traveled the world on the earnings from his books, bedding dozens of women and fathering a still incalculable brood of illegitimate children.

After a sudden spiritual awakening when he returned to the United States, Dave strayed from another fiercely held Oglethorpe philosophy by actually paying and caring for his many illegitimate spawn.

He formerly ran the Family’s official Twitter account, but has since handed off the task to his son so that he can focus on his new book, God Sent Me a Message in a Bottle, a project that can only be described as a less self-centered Eat Pray Love combined with a tribute to the music of The Police.

Current occupation: When he is not working on his book, Dave works on and off as a travel and supply minister, though some blindly-devoted supporters believe he is merely “fighting the spread of the dark shadow of Methodism from the inside” following his “excommunication” from the Southern Baptist Convention near the start of the Twenty-First Century, a chronological step forward that the SBC has yet to formally acknowledge.

Ever nominated to be disowned?: Surprisingly, no.

Carter Cockfight
King’s uncle, a retired Lowndes County commissioner, lives on the Family’s “Farm” property and does much of the day-to-day operation of the Cockfight Farms food business. He joined the National Guard in the 1970s, but ended a mediocre military career disappointed that he never got to shoot a hippie as he had hoped after the Kent State massacre. He is a longtime supporter of University of Alabama athletics, though he never really attended that or any school, though he was banned from being a booster after an undisclosed 2006 incident.

After the breakup of his marriage in 2005, Carter became an advocate of building an electrified, spiked sea-wall around the Southeast Alabama Town of Flomaton to ward off immigrants “invading” from the Gulf Coast. The Cockfight Family has continuously sought State and federal funding for the project, though none has materialized as of yet.

He is in the midst of a 2012 bid for president as the nominee of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party following an unsuccessful bid for Alabama Agricultural Commissioner in 2010.

Current occupation: Running for president and occasionally tweeting whatever his mind tells him to.

Ever nominated to be disowned?: Never, but usually makes several of the nominations—even for those of no relation whatsoever, like Conway Twitty.

J. Eagle Cockfight II
King’s eldest uncle is a prominent Republican strategist who served in low-level policy positions as part of Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush’s administrations.

He is not fond of poor people.

Current occupation: “None of your damn business, lesser.”

Ever nominated to be disowned?: No, but typically brings forth any disownings that are financially lucrative or subtly stymie the steady influx of change.

Queen Elizabeth Cockfight
King’s teenage sister who has a history of severe depression. Often mocked by her siblings and mother as fat, loud, and annoying.

Current occupation: A junior at the University of Alabama.

Nominated to be disowned?: Often by her siblings, because they’re assholes like that.

Collins Cockfight
Carter’s son who is a self-ordained minister in the “Prairie Orthodox Baptist Church,” the latest in a long string of phases that include dabbling in teenaged white supremacist show-choir and sweet, sweet methamphetamine. He may also be a virgin, primarily because his father has called him a variety of gay slurs since he was eighteen months old.

Current occupation: Imprisoned for abusing a tractor in violation of Alabama law.

Ever nominated to be disowned?: Always. By his father.

JoAnne Cockfight
King and Queen’s mother and Double Springs REALTOR. As part of court-ordered community service in the mid-1990s, she became the founder of the sole existing chapter of Alcoholic Mothers for Drunken Driving.

Current occupation: Still selling real estate. And drinking. A lot.

Ever nominated to be disowned?: The Cockfights prefer to limit disownings to blood relations.

Other significant living Cockfights

Jamison E. Cockfight III
Eagle’s son. A prominent Birmingham attorney.

Current occupation: A prominent Birmingham attorney.

Jamison E. Cockfight IV
A prominent Vanderbilt University student whose record has been expunged so as to lessen his eventual transition into being a prominent law student and future prominent Birmingham attorney.

The music career and plight of ‘The Cryin’ Man’ left a strong impression on the mind of a younger CJ Cockfight.

Chief Jamal “CJ” Cockfight
King’s black half-brother.  He briefly played wide receiver for the Atlanta Falcons in the 1990s. Much like how Falcons coach Jerry Glanville left two tickets for Elvis at every game, CJ left four tickets for soul singer Rembrandt “The Cryin’ Man” Brown from the FOX television drama Sliders.

Just in case he was in our universe and wanted to hang out before sliding away.

Current occupation: An Atlanta-area social worker.

Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight
One of the last Louisiana Cockfight cousins, Puffin  is head football coach of the NAIA Division II Southwest New Mexico A&M Skeet-Shooting Owls, or “Skeet-Owls” for short. He is currently appealing a 25-year ban on coaching in the NCAA for taking recruits to a strip club, then trying to bribe an NCAA investigator with a lap dance at the same strip club several weeks later. He is a close personal friend of former Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones, who he coincidentally met at a strip club in Atlanta during a family vacation.

Current occupation: Still drawing up plays, seeing things topless… and may or may not be the present head coach at a prominent Big East Conference university.

Notable Cockfights in American history

Oglethorpe Cockfight: “The Greatest of Cockfights” (1752-1857)
The family’s patriarch and the first to hold the family’s name. He forced himself into Continental Congress, and, after serving as an early congressman as an advocate for bigamy and tax denial, eventually settled in Cullman then Winston County. He spent several years dying of pneumonia caught after spending eight months tracking transcendentalist author Henry David Thoreau in the wilderness just so he could punch him in the face. Upon his death bed, he regretted that he would not live to see the coming War Between the States and profit from it.

Maudie “White Thighs” Fightcock (?—?)
Oglethorpe’s dyslexic mother, who gave birth to him in a Savannah, Georgia bordello. After attaining his great wealth through contract killing, Oglethorpe returned to Savannah and purchased his mother’s place of business. After several more years of forced service, Oglethorpe set her free. She may also be the true author of Johnny Tremaine.