Ron Sparks makes poor decision to run for Governor.

There will be no Leftist mustache rides to be had for the megametropolitan yuppie-hillbilly shopping mall and car lot that you people call a congressional district.

Artur Davis has been a bad black person.

Temporarily demoted to probationary black man status.

Congressman Artur Davis’ vote against healthcare reform has had some folks questioning whether he’d rather mortgage his political future these days than represent the people who put him in a position to entertain a run for Governor, prompted his mustachioed Democratic rival to suddenly be as in favor of a public health plan as any latte-sipping, cock-sucking, weed-smoking San Francisco, California, liberal, and, most recently and importantly, led to important and critical questions about his blackitude by the Rev. Jesse Jackson:

We even have blacks voting against the health care bill. You can’t vote against health care and call yourself a black man.

And by “blacks” Jackson means, well, Artur Davis who was the only Black Congressional Caucus member to vote against the bill in the House and thus, in Jackson’s parlance, earn Multiple Black-Man Status (MBMS).

In response, Davis attempted to repel and celebrate Jackson’s comments at the same time and restated that he supports healthcare reform, just not the particular politically realistic and most likely as good as we’re going to get with the current population of dumb politicians and sheeple being considered on Capitol Hill. Political experts even say that his split with Jackson, along with his vote against a reform that is unpopular in Alabama because we like fucking ourselves to death with that rusty metal pole and we’ll lick our  lips for you because you like it when we do it like that don’t you big daddy?,  is likely to strengthen his chances of being elected Governor next year.

All that being said, I’ve been consistently underwhelmed by the Davis campaign — and not for those “Oh it’s because he’s a Democrat and I’m a nacho-eating neocon” or the “Oh and he’s black and I’m one of those Huntsville/Mountain Brook racists who talks around hating black people as if it’s some sort of medical or social condition like AIDS and crime and boy how I hate AIDS and crime” kind of reasoning you might find elsewhere in the Alabama Weblogosphere.

My concern has been that the Davis’ alleged campaign staff have not shown any signs of being particularly capable or fully cognizant of the raining racial hellfire they will have to cope with if he wins the Democratic nomination next year.

There’s running post-racial, then there’s running in a happy-happy la-la version of Alabama that doesn’t exist where it’s a matter of fact we either can ignore or that we don’t have to get to yet so we can make stupid moves like letting the Internet determine our campaign platform.

Given my background, I tend to see these things in terms of emotionless political calculus, and I imagine Davis does to some extent as well. My read is that Davis probably supports healthcare reform — maybe even in its most liberal yet logical form — but trusts his Democratic colleagues in the House and Senate to at least be able to do some approximation of getting the job done without him so can cover himself to perhaps –  switching back from the political to the ideal –  do greater good in Alabama from 2011 onward.

Unfortunately, reading things in political terms tends to desensitize you to what’s right an awful lot. If there’s a general election and a broad portion of the voting population die-hardedly believes that skullfucking homeless people to death is the only way to instill values and rejuvenate economic development — and please, Alabama Republicans, don’t take this as a commentary on your party’s platform right now — and you needed at least a good chunk of those people to form a winning coalition, a hardened political “expert” like myself would recommend you give at least a little qualified support to doing some awful things to homeless people for the good of our economy and to preserve morality for our children’s future.

That’s because while most human beings know socially and morally what’s the right thing to do, most of the time they are too politically and personally stupid and immature to do it. It’s how jackasses who have no fucking idea what the hell they’re doing (not to mention candidates who actually believe government can be run as a for-profit business as if they are the same fucking thing) get elected all the time. It’s why President Liberal-Black-Man-Raised-In-A-Poor-Interracial-Household-And-Worked-As-A-Community-Organizer has to play to the bigots feelings about The Gays (TM) instead of letting them experience the empty, sexless joy of marriage or openly die in our latest pointless military quagmires.

People, especially voters, are petty little children who refuse to drink their milk even if they know it’s the only thing keeping all their teeth from falling out. And Alabamians are among the biggest, toothless babies of them all.

So yes, Artur is taking the right stance to appeal to the stupid, immature, anti-progressive majority of Alabama voters — you know, the same people who are still totally too stupid, immature, and anti-progressive right now to vote for him because he has a skin tone a shade darker than mother of pearl.

Oh and by the way, Artur, your home base, poor black people such as those in your poor black congressional district, who I will remind you are — at least according to stereotype — seen as only slightly more electorally reliable than “politically-motivated” college-aged liberal youth, might remember how you voted pretty blatantly against their interests and could decide not to show up records numbers that Black Belt counties will obfuscate through voter fraud on Election Day 2010. That too.

(Again, I don’t think they’re even the slightest bit prepared for that whole racial hellfire thing.)

So let’s break it down.

Is Davis the most palatable gubernatorial candidate there is right now? Considering that the other candidates are an irrelevant, unprepared mustache man who has suddenly had a Saul-to-Paul moment on healthcare reform, a quietly unaccomplished allegedly accomplished non-threatening White Republican who has the physical appeal of a gray-at-the-temples middle-aged man that horny White Republican women would love to see in one of those bathtubs in the Cialis ads, a fool who fucked-up managing your kids’ college money and has limply attempted to absolve herself by blaming the money, an empty-headed Jesus freak retread, a bored, unappealing Tuscaloosa dermatologist, Tim James, and an anonymous far-right dumbfuck whose entire last-place campaign has morphed into a giant fuck you to the sitting lame-duck governor for forcing him out of a job most Alabamians don’t care about or understand, I’d say so.

Does he have to work harder and be more perfect than any of us can imagine — even if he’s amply more qualified and trustworthy than the rest of these jackasses — because he’s a black man running for a statewide elected office in Alabama? Hell yes. A hundred times more than any of the fine young Democrats working on his campaign realize — even he knows it in no uncertain terms.

Is it fair? Fuck no.

Is it reality? Until further notice, unfortunately so.

Did he just sell out the people he represented and thus cast doubt as to whether he’s the grown-up Alabama needs to make it a better place?

Yeah. He did.

And he should have known better than that.

Many belated returns.

Guest post by King Cockfight
Author of this goddamn Weblog

At one point during this weeks-long absence, I was in a state of paralysis in a dimly-lit hostel in Amsterdam. I could see, I could think, but bountiful consumption of legal sin had left me unable to move or affect the dirty things around me. Greasy, pierced figures moved around the room, fornicating with every warm, possibly living thing they saw. I watched them dart from unconscious form to unconscious form, seeming to plug away a little harder at every stop. I wanted to halt it, but I could not move, still unable to shuffle an inch of myself as a byproduct of my own selfishness. And I wondered, with increasing concern at each passing moment, when they would get to me.

It reminded me a lot of living in Alabama.

Cognitive dissidence.

With Birmingham Mayor  and Former JeffCo Commission President Larry Langford’s conviction last week for having wealthy men buy him nice clothes* and the four other former commissioners convicted on corruption charges in recent years, Jefferson County Commissioners say they are tired of people thinking they’re corrupt.

Commissioner/Associate Dumbass Jim Carns says the perception makes it hard to solve the $4,771 trillion sewer debt problem that has the county regularly on the verge of either financially blowing its brains out or selling shit-pots to the State’s retirement fund:

There’s been a morph­ing of all county commis­sioners into one big pic­ture of dishonesty.

Commission President/Lead Jackass Bettye Fine Collins:

There is no doubt that, be­cause of things that have happened, we have suffered for things we are not re­sponsible for. It casts a shadow over all.

Look, I hate to be the one to break it to you guys, but the reason people don’t like or take the County Commission seriously is because you’re asses.

He did something.

Guest post by Larry Langford
Criminally convicted, forcefully removed Birmingham Mayor

"Let's do something!"

I tell you all that trial did was interrupt my Bible studyin’ for two weeks just like those gays tried to do with their walkin’ down the street but it’s important that I get my Bible studyin’ in because I gotta learn how to die and come back to life nine or ten more times to finish off all 805 years this here jury has convicted me of because I bet they all went to the Birmingham Zoo while they was sequestered and they saw that there wasn’t no expansion because of the Cycle of Stupidity and that’s ’cause the council is shortsighted because they say we don’t have no money because they refuse to accept we can make money with a few McDonald’s napkins, some Sharpie’s, and a few of those really nice colored pencils they sell at Hobby Lobby not Walmart because our city deserves better and I’ll show them that in prison by forming an Olympic committee and bringing the games to the yard where we’ll have waterskiin’ and snowboardin’ and Alabama and Auburn and the Gardendale Redskins of the NFL playin’ football in the brand new prison dome that we’ll fund usin’ electronic bingo at the dog track and then we’ll name one of the prison doorframes after Fred Shuttlesworth so we all can be inspired by his inspiration and sacrifice as we make ingress and egress so don’t worry about me because I’ll be swell and I’m resilient and I’m gonna live forever and serve up my entire life sentences because I’ll be like Lazarus or convert to vampire if that doesn’t work out and when I get out in 805 years I’ll come back and be Mayor of Birmingham and Cosmic Boy will be my council president because he’s a proven leader so stop askin’ questions about my DirecTV and where I live and how bad this is because we’ll all be fine and this will be a proud city even though I’ve been practicin’ my shankin’ form for the past few weeks — SHANKITY SHANKITY SHA-GOO!!!!

LET’S DO SOMETHING!!!

Larry Langford, the former mayor of Birmingham, was convicted on Wednesday of sixty counts of bribery. In his mind, he is the author of the bestselling memoir 16 Going on None of Your Dang Business Let’s Do Something!

King Cockfight returns on November 2.

Hackneye.

Dumb, inappropriate gubernatorial candidate Kay Ivey said Thursday that she would cut staff at the Alabama Department of Transportation to build more roads.

That sounds strangely familiar. I would repeat that this is the “I’m going to do my job if I get my job!” platform promise, but Ivey has shown that she has no interest or ability to hold true to such a statement.

Other Ivey campaign initiatives that will be rolled out over the coming weeks:

• An unworkable reading corps plan involving old people and college students.
• Random healthcare reform townhalls held with equally random repentant Canadians.
• Crying herself asleep on the floor of the bathroom of a McDonald’s attached to a gas station because several key Republican boosters don’t know her name.

Circle of life.

Apparently blacks and other minority students have a difficult time winning leadership offices at Alabama’s colleges and universities.

Which is a shame, really, because it unfairly restricts the pool of minority candidates we might someday do everything we can not to vote for at the State level.

Have it your way.

PRESS RELEASE

September 10, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY MANIPULATED INTO SUPPORT OF ‘SIX’ DOLLAR BURGER, BURGLED

Not a real gubernatorial candidate. Allegedly.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and usually most skeptical political clans, today formally announced that they were conned into supporting the fictional “Six Dollar Burger” candidate for Governor — an experiment that led to the burglary of their historic Family mansion in Winston County and the temporary shutdown of on-again, off-again political consultant King Cockfight’s semi-influential Weblog.

The Family announced on Tuesday that it was providing support for The Six Dollar Burger’s historic gubernatorial campaign by streaming his Twitter feed on King’s Weblog.

A conman and apparently avid regular reader of King’s Weblog posed as The Burger’s Campaign Manager approached the Family about a potential partnership, promising several key State appointments should the delicious slab of meat be elected in November 2010.

“We should’ve known that it was unlikely that his campaign manager would really be named ‘Carl Hardees III’ or that there was a charbroiled hamburger out there meeting with supporters and typing out campaign tweets on his BlackBerry,” King said today. “Then again, being experts and self-serving architects of Alabama’s fucked-up government, we know the 1901 Constitution allowed that catfish platter from Catfish Cabin II to be Mayor of Athens for much of the 1990’s.”

“He made me believe in change,” said a heartbroken, teary-eyed Carter Cockfight, a retired Lowndes County, Alabama, Commissioner and 2012 presidential nominee of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party, “and that the Bacon Ranch Fries were better than the Chili Cheese Fries.

“But both were lies.”

Break my face.

PRESS RELEASE

September 8, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY TOTALLY JEALOUS OF LAME OLD PEOPLE ‘FIGHT’ AT AUBURN TOWN HALL

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and bitter political families, formally expressed their remorse that they were not able to provoke loud, angry rednecks into fighting for their amusement at healthcare townhalls they scheduled during the Congressional recess.

During the last two weeks, the Family has staged townhalls on healthcare reform in Natural Bridge and Double Springs with an actor playing Congressman Robert Aderholt.* They heard a lot of ripe, right-wing crazy, but the lessers refused to to fight for their amusement — no matter how many redneck-riling make-believe facts about Obama’s plan they planted among the crowd, such as “gay re-education preventive care,” “no more Cheetos,” and “granny euthanasia by rape-parrot.”

But yet Congressman Mike Rogers, renown asshole, held a town hall at an Auburn retirement home on healthcare reform last week, prompting what reads like the lamest and shortest fight between old people ever — which, in turn, prompted intense, ambivalent jealousy from idle, violence-hungry members of the Cockfight Family.

No more heroes.

September 4, 2009

We know all about YOU.

Fresh on the heels of accusations that President Barack Obama is seeking to “indoctrinate” America’s schoolchildren, The J. Eagle Cockfight Company is proud to present its Right-Wing  Fantasy Moral Controversy Generator computer program for PC and Mac.

The Generator aims to help conservative columnists, talk radio hosts, and even Republican operatives come up with and plant new insane ideas about what the Obama administration is “really” trying to do with seemingly banal exercises, such as speaking to a bunch of school kids about how they should continue to be educated and such.

“I am proud to release this Fantasy Controversy Generator,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a conservative Mountain Brook, AL, lobbyist who served in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations. “Just because these bullcrap ‘threats’ aren’t real doesn’t mean the threat that the Socialist Fraudulent NObama administration could tax us betters who own this country or try to even the playing field for the far-lessers is not real.

“Let’s distract away by grabbing the barest of crazy threads, gentlemen!”

To show you the amazing divisive ability of the Cockfight Controversy Generator, here are three samplings we created:

1. Fact: Obama Is A Former/Perhaps Secretly Current Smoker + Crazy = “Obama wants to get your kids to start chewing tobacco to give them mouth cancer so they can’t speak out against his policies.”

Crazy Phrase to Yell In Public: “HOW DARE THAT KENYAN SPEAK OUT FOR PUBLIC HEALTH AND THEN TRY TO SELL TOBACCO TO OUR KIDS SO THEY CAN’T SPEAK OUT AGAINST HIS SOCIALIST PLANS TO REDISTRIBUTE GAY TO THE POOR BUT PROUD! HE APPOINTED A FATTIE TOO! AMERICA JUST AIN’T FREE ANYMORE!”

Never gonna give you up.

Radical Leftist Agriculture Commissioner Ron Sparks missed Monday night’s big ‘n useless Christian Coalition for gubernatorial candidates. Stetson at Toxic Culture offers some suggestions as to why:

Top 3 Reasons Ron Sparks Wasn’t There:

1. Was playing golf with Raul and Fidel Castro while talking about the military genius of Chiang Kai-shek.

2. Was passed out in the parking lot of a casino in Mississippi.

3. Was giving free mustache ride to someone.

Honorable mention: Challenged Six Dollar Burger* to an eating contest. Won.

That’s probably on the right track, but it was a long night. What else was he up to on Monday that kept him from away from the debate?

• Studying the concepts behind the Internet meme of “Rickrolling” in hopes of starting up his own meme — “Ronrolling” — to spread awareness about his campaign.
• Coming up with subtler ways of hamfistedly race-baiting the primary race against Congressman Artur Davis, such as “I’ve heard one type of people might not like another kind of people in certain states whose names start with the letter A and that might have an unfortunate effect on certain parties in elections that just so happen to be of a general nature” and “It would be a shame if Alabama caught a skin condition that turned the Legislature Republican.”

A thoughtful and intelligent commentary on the state of Auburn athletics via economic analysis.

Colonial Bank filed for bankruptcy last night.

36-0.

Anonymous gubernatorial candidate does stuff, no one cares.

No one really knows or subsequently gives a shit about anonymous sixth-place Republican gubernatorial candidate Bill Johnson.

He tried to remedy that this week.

By talking to people in a restaurant in Dothan.

Because he was hungry and didn’t have enough gas to get to Enterprise, probably:

‘A lot of folks already know who I am, but just want to get my name out as much as I can,’ Johnson said.

That may be needed in the Wiregrass. An informal survey of lunch patrons at Atlanta Bread Company revealed none recognized Johnson or knew who he was.

Ouch.

How has he fared at other campaign events around the State this week?

Pillow time.

PRESS RELEASE

August 20, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY RECOMMENDS STATE STUDY WAYS TO HILARIOUSLY EUTHANIZE EXPENSIVE ‘PREPAID’ COLLEGE TUITION PROGRAM

MOUNTAIN BROOK, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and arguably realistic political clans, today formally urged the State of Alabama to fund a study of creative and hilarious ways to put down its ailing prepaid college tuition program, better known as PACT.

“As always, I must applaud my future Governor Kay Ivey for all the hard work she put into crippling such a useless social welfare program,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist. “I was fine with the State studying ways to fix it — gave me a giggle because it reminded of me of a little uncouth orphan I boy I saw in  Africa who used a rotting dead animal part to make himself a funny hat because it was all he had to play with. Hilarious!

“But no, it turns out all these solutions that they came up with would cost the State money — money! — and we’d probably have to put a green roof on the program because they came from the goddamned RSA,” Eagle went on. “I don’t care how much support there may be — why should my tax dollars go toward supporting lazy PACT investors who didn’t know that State leaders they trusted weren’t managing the program right and that the State was unlikely to guarantee their loss?

“It’s just not fair to me,” Eagle added.

It’s a celebration.

Last week the Legislature decided that really is nice having a Jefferson County and approved a new occupational tax to inject new revenue into the struggling county government to put a few of the signs of impending financial Armageddon in the bottle.

While there were some dangerous provisions for on down the line in the legislation, and there could be litigation challenging  its constitutionality by one of America’s richest human resources — well-moneyed assholes who don’t want to pay anything except an attorney — it looks like, for the moment, the county’s financial crisis is much more manageable than it was a week ago.

How are JeffCo’s people and leaders marking the good news?

• Struggling with newfound addiction to crack.