At noon, my father will be marking the holiday by tweeting our Family’s annual Christmas get-together with my Uncle Carter on the Cockfight “Farm” property.
You can follow it by refreshing this page a bunch of times and watching the sidebar to the right, or by clicking here.
This is all brought to lessers, as always, by CFIA.
Happy Holidays!
PRESS RELEASE
December 23, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY URGES OTHER ALABAMA POLITICIANS TO FOLLOW ‘PARKER’ GRIFFITH’S LEAD, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
Now playing for the other team.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most blunt political clans, today urged several Alabama politicians to follow the lead of newly extra-white North Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith and “come out of the closet” about who they really are.
Griffith, who was elected as a Democrat last year and is still believed by several Cockfight Family members not to be an actual human being but a sentient shopping mall in Madison (“I hear there’s a really nice Best Buy there,” the Rev. David Cockfight said.), only sorta-kinda shocked his colleagues in Alabama and Congress by turning GOP on Tuesday, probably because his ass was going to be beat real bad by a conservative more comfortable admitting he or she is really a Republican in 2010.
But members of the Cockfight Family, who have been busy for much of the past month compiling their annual holiday enemies’ lists, were not surprised at all by the announcement.
“These kind of revelations tend to happen a lot around the holidays,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “People come back from Washington for holiday dinner and show up with an oil lobbyist or somebody from big business, and before they can open their mouth to tell those close to them the big revelation, their donors realize that whole voting against healthcare thing and being really against abortion thing from the campaign wasn’t just a phase.”
“I remember all the shame I felt when my son came back from college and told me he was only a moderate Republican,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “He told me that maybe we shouldn’t be so relentless and close-minded about abortion and that perhaps, and it pains me to say this even now, that Social Security might not have been such a terrible idea.
“But in time, I learned that both us are owned to the bone by big business and not very fond of helping minorities and especially the poor, and while I don’t approve all the aspects of his unorthodox politically un-belligerent lifestyle, that common ground has helped me accept and love him for what he is.”
Still, Family members applauded Griffith’s move and urged several other Alabama politicians to bring their lifestyles out in the open to be honest with themselves and their voters — especially one freshman congressman in particular.
“Bobby Bright’s all like ‘I just have some really flamboyantly neoconservative friends!’ and ‘Voting against healthcare reform is just something I like to do for fun — I’m still very attracted to Democratic donors!’” King said. “But we all know the real truth, Bobby, and you don’t have to hide it anymore.
“Everybody knows you’re a big, flaming GOP.”
Other Alabama politicians the Cockfight Family believes should be more truthful about who they are:
Guest post by King Cockfight
Author of this goddamn Weblog
At one point during this weeks-long absence, I was in a state of paralysis in a dimly-lit hostel in Amsterdam. I could see, I could think, but bountiful consumption of legal sin had left me unable to move or affect the dirty things around me. Greasy, pierced figures moved around the room, fornicating with every warm, possibly living thing they saw. I watched them dart from unconscious form to unconscious form, seeming to plug away a little harder at every stop. I wanted to halt it, but I could not move, still unable to shuffle an inch of myself as a byproduct of my own selfishness. And I wondered, with increasing concern at each passing moment, when they would get to me.
It reminded me a lot of living in Alabama. Continue reading ‘Many belated returns.’
PRESS RELEASE
September 10, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY MANIPULATED INTO SUPPORT OF ‘SIX’ DOLLAR BURGER, BURGLED
Not a real gubernatorial candidate. Allegedly.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and usually most skeptical political clans, today formally announced that they were conned into supporting the fictional “Six Dollar Burger” candidate for Governor — an experiment that led to the burglary of their historic Family mansion in Winston County and the temporary shutdown of on-again, off-again political consultant King Cockfight’s semi-influential Weblog.
The Family announced on Tuesday that it was providing support for The Six Dollar Burger’s historic gubernatorial campaign by streaming his Twitter feed on King’s Weblog.
A conman and apparently avid regular reader of King’s Weblog posed as The Burger’s Campaign Manager approached the Family about a potential partnership, promising several key State appointments should the delicious slab of meat be elected in November 2010.
“We should’ve known that it was unlikely that his campaign manager would really be named ‘Carl Hardees III’ or that there was a charbroiled hamburger out there meeting with supporters and typing out campaign tweets on his BlackBerry,” King said today. “Then again, being experts and self-serving architects of Alabama’s fucked-up government, we know the 1901 Constitution allowed that catfish platter from Catfish Cabin II to be Mayor of Athens for much of the 1990’s.”
“He made me believe in change,” said a heartbroken, teary-eyed Carter Cockfight, a retired Lowndes County, Alabama, Commissioner and 2012 presidential nominee of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party, “and that the Bacon Ranch Fries were better than the Chili Cheese Fries.
“But both were lies.” Continue reading ‘Have it your way.’
PRESS RELEASE
September 8, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY TOTALLY JEALOUS OF LAME OLD PEOPLE ‘FIGHT’ AT AUBURN TOWN HALL
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and bitter political families, formally expressed their remorse that they were not able to provoke loud, angry rednecks into fighting for their amusement at healthcare townhalls they scheduled during the Congressional recess.
During the last two weeks, the Family has staged townhalls on healthcare reform in Natural Bridge and Double Springs with an actor playing Congressman Robert Aderholt.* They heard a lot of ripe, right-wing crazy, but the lessers refused to to fight for their amusement — no matter how many redneck-riling make-believe facts about Obama’s plan they planted among the crowd, such as “gay re-education preventive care,” “no more Cheetos,” and “granny euthanasia by rape-parrot.”
But yet Congressman Mike Rogers, renown asshole, held a town hall at an Auburn retirement home on healthcare reform last week, prompting what reads like the lamest and shortest fight between old people ever — which, in turn, prompted intense, ambivalent jealousy from idle, violence-hungry members of the Cockfight Family. Continue reading ‘Break my face.’
PRESS RELEASE
September 8, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘HELPS’ SUPPORT DELICIOUS GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE’S ASPIRATIONS
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and hungriest political clans, today formally announced it would help provide exposure to a bright, young Democratic candidate for governor: The Six Dollar Burger from Hardee’s.
The Six Dollar Burger, first contacted by the Legislative Black Caucus as they desperately searched for a non-black candidate earlier this year, has decided to enter the race as a dark horse candidate who promises “CHANGE that’s cheaper than Alabama thinks.” Continue reading ‘Special sauce.’
PRESS RELEASE
August 27, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY VACILLATES ON WHETHER TO ‘EULOGIZE,’ MOCK DEATH OF SENATOR TED KENNEDY
Burning in Hell -- according to al.com.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most tactful political clans, today formally announced that they are split on how to react to the death of Senator Ted Kennedy, who succumbed to brain cancer on late Tuesday night.
Some Family members have suggested a respectful reaction — a nice bouquet of flowers and “a nice card not, like, bought at Walgreen’s” to the Kennedys, whom several Cockfights claim used to be the Family’s New England rivals — at least in bootlegging and womanizing.
But other Family members have suggested that the Cockfight Family take this as an opportunity to build their local political capital by pandering to the offensive and disrespectful thoughts being shared (screamed randomly with little prompting) by the braindead, devoutly Christian white trash who dwell in the Northwest Alabama counties that surround the Cockfights traditional hometown of Natural Bridge.
“Look,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, who held low-level policy positions in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, “I’m not saying he wasn’t a very charming gentleman. In fact, I admire the Kennedy’s because they seem quite capable of challenging the lessers’ questionable rules for legality and whether they apply for betters like ourselves.
“I just think it might not be wise to mention that he may have killed a girl in that car crash several decades ago and that, despite whatever work he may have done in the Senate since then, the Devil’s going to poke him with his pitchfork for all his sins or some trite pretend religious nonsense like that. Us conservatives ran against him specifically for so long, so we should we not say it?
He added: “It’s what the lessers who believe all our talking points we feed to them about respect for human life want to hear!” Continue reading ‘Touch football.’
PRESS RELEASE
August 20, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY RECOMMENDS STATE STUDY WAYS TO HILARIOUSLY EUTHANIZE EXPENSIVE ‘PREPAID’ COLLEGE TUITION PROGRAM
MOUNTAIN BROOK, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and arguably realistic political clans, today formally urged the State of Alabama to fund a study of creative and hilarious ways to put down its ailing prepaid college tuition program, better known as PACT.
“As always, I must applaud my future Governor Kay Ivey for all the hard work she put into crippling such a useless social welfare program,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist. “I was fine with the State studying ways to fix it — gave me a giggle because it reminded of me of a little uncouth orphan I boy I saw in Africa who used a rotting dead animal part to make himself a funny hat because it was all he had to play with. Hilarious!
“But no, it turns out all these solutions that they came up with would cost the State money — money! — and we’d probably have to put a green roof on the program because they came from the goddamned RSA,” Eagle went on. “I don’t care how much support there may be — why should my tax dollars go toward supporting lazy PACT investors who didn’t know that State leaders they trusted weren’t managing the program right and that the State was unlikely to guarantee their loss?
“It’s just not fair to me,” Eagle added. Continue reading ‘Pillow time.’
PRESS RELEASE
August 14, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY DISAPPOINTED IN WEBLOGGERS, MEDIA FOR NOT PICKING UP ‘ATTORNEY’ GENERAL’S HARDCORE TWEET-BLOCKING OF FAMILY’S ‘SEXY PREACHER’
Likely willing to release an angry statement saying this is not news.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and attention hungriest political clans, today formally told Alabama’s press and alleged political Weblogosphere for not picking up on the hot juicy story of insecure, sex-obsessed Attorney General Troy King blocking the Rev. David Cockfight from following him on possibly useful social networking service known as Twitter.
The Rev. Cockfight was instructed by the Family at its “Parliament of Cockfights” policy meeting in May to start a Twitter account in a noble, probably futile effort to make the service “less gay.” Unfortunately, Attorney General King would have no part in David’s effort at making Twitter less gay — blocking the Rev. Cockfight from following him even though what he posts on his incredibly public account can be seen by virtually anyone at twitter.com/TKtheAG.
While the reason why T.K. blocked “SexyPreacher58″ is unknown, King has been critical of the AG on his blog, lauding him as a master of “meaningless bullshit” who prances around like a paranoid third-rate George Wallace knockoff.
Yet Loretta Nall, an Alabama Weblogger and former gubernatorial candidate for sweet, sticky weed, has not been blocked from following T.K.’s Twitter despite having sent him an inflatable, fuckable pig in response to his stance on sex toys.
“T.K. hasn’t blocked me,” Nall said in a comment on King’s Weblog last week, “and I sent him an inflatable sex pig!”
Yet still, the mainstream press in Alabama has not spent a drop of ink on this hot, breaking story of critical somewhat public interest.
“It seems like it’d be a home run for the broken political media these days,” said King Cockfight, a semi-competent failed political consultant. “It involves an unpredictable politician already under fire and investigation doing something petty yet has nothing to do with anything substantial. Plus, it involves Twitter — which new and shiny and important or something, or at least the 547 articles about its supposed innovation and political influence I’ve read this year seems to think it might be.
“But no, there’s been nothing — no requests for interviews, no J.D. Crowe cartoons, not even a brief mention in a sort-of newspaper like the Daily Mountain Eagle!
“This,” King summed up, “makes me completely re-evaluate my thoughts on the credibility of Alabama’s press.” Continue reading ‘Imagining you care.’
PRESS RELEASE
August 10, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY UPSET THAT, DESPITE HYPE, ‘RON’ SPARKS HAS NOT DISCOVERED CURE FOR AIDS
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most demanding political clans, today expressed their formal disappointment at Lefist Agricultural Commissioner and easily Photoshoppable gubernatorial candidate Ron Sparks’ announcement of a new campaign website.
Sparks, who can’t run for agricultural commissioner again in 2010 and has decided to waste time and money by running for governor instead of treasurer, heavily hyped a bold new campaign announcement last week.
“Yeah, with all the hype, I was all like, ‘It’s got to be the cure for AIDS. Since he’s in charge of the ag department, they probably found it in a dead cow near Coker or somewhere somehow, and all we got to worry about now is pregnancy and the herp,” said King Cockfight, a rather well-traveled failed political consultant and visiting professor at the University of Maryland. “But no, it turned to be a freaking website.
“Yeah. A website. That might impress Cam Ward, but really?” King went on. “If you’re getting this excited about website, it is my professional opinion as a probably not sober political consultant that there are fundamental weaknesses in your campaign that are unlikely to be resolved.”
The new site, which can be viewed at sparks2010.com, includes political website things, including ways for you donate and read press releases, and stuff.
Sparks calls it “cutting edge” and one of the most advanced political websites every crafted.
He obviously does not use the Internet much. Continue reading ‘You do have to sign into AOL first.’
PRESS RELEASE
July 27, 2009
FAMILY OF INFLUENTIAL ALABAMA FOOTBALL FANS RECOMMENDS EXPLOITING NEWFOUND WEAKNESS OF UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA QUARTERBACK TIM ‘TEBOW’
Gets no sex.
NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most influential group of University of Alabama football boosters, today formally encouraged supporters of the Crimson Tide football program to find a way to coax decorated University of Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow into a night of superb, irresistible, wang-breaking sex in advance of the 2009 college football season.
Asked about his virginity at last week’s SEC Media Days in “Hoover,” Tebow, also a lauded evangelical missionary, admitted that he was saving his biggest rhinoceros-like pounding run up the middle for a score for his wedding night.
“I don’t know who came up with it first, but we all pretty much concluded at Sunday supper that he plays so good ‘a football because he ain’t ever got his willy wet,” said Carter M. Carter, a retired Lowndes County Commissioner who was banned as an Alabama booster for an undisclosed incident in 2006.
“So if that’s what’s between the Tide winnin’ the SEC, we reckon that we ought to do whatever we can to hook ‘im up with a lady or two to sex him ’til his balls explode.” Continue reading ‘Jump pass for glory.’
PRESS RELEASE
July 20, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY UNSURE ABOUT ‘INTERNET’S’ OBSESSION WITH RON SPARKS’ BILLBOARDS, QUESTIONS WHY THERE’S NO MORE BUZZ ABOUT THEIR OWN POLITICAL BILLBOARDS
NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most skeptical political clans, today formally announced they do not get the big deal about why the Internet is so fascinated with the fact that Leftist Agriculture Commissioner and gubernatorial candidate Ron Sparks has placed billboards on Interstate 65.
“Yeah, we heard that some Democrats are pushing him to drop into the Treasurer’s race,” said King Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “But that would be kind of stupid, even if he is going to lose. Sure, an experienced hand in State government might be what’s needed to repair the sinking shit-iceberg that is PACT, but he looks like he just really wants to be Ag Commissioner again, and might give up it to cows or something.
“But yeah, he’s running for governor, he bought some billboards — no big deal. He does look like a bit of a car salesman in that photo, though.”
“I’d be willin’ to buy one of them fancy new Camaros off of Ron Sparks,” said Carter Cockfight, a former Lowndes County Commissioner running for president on the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party in 2012. “If it don’t run on cow-farts on some stupid shit!” Continue reading ‘I want to ride it all night long.’
PRESS RELEASE
July 18, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘REMEMBERS’ LEGENDARY CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE
Dead.
“I remember crying when he announced that Kennedy was dead. He was truly an amazing individual and perhaps the best newsman — and by far best broadcaster — of the 20th century. Plus, the day I conceived my son King — which I did during Paul Harvey — I snuck in a quickie later near the end of the 5:30 newscast. That was a heck of a day for me and the bride.”
–The Rev. David Cockfight, semi-retired travel and supply minister and successful self-help author.
“He was hot.”
–JoAnne Cockfight, the Rev. Cockfight’s wife.
“He made it hard for us who wanted a piece of that killin’ in Vietnam to get us some! Especially killin’ the hippies!”
–Carter McCarthy Cockfight, former Lowndes County Commissioner and 2012 “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party presidential nominee.
“Men like him an Edward R. Murrow symbolize the awful emboldening of Lefty McGayreporter into thinking he can tell what is really going on, and not just what their betters tell them to say. Thankfully we’ve reined in CNN and Fox News and MSNBC and they tend to do what they’re told, but the threat, albeit small, of Americans being forced to watch Lefty demonstrate social sodomy still remains.”
–J. Eagle Cockfight II, former staff member in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations.
“I don’t remember watching him at all, so I don’t know what you’re asking me for. I grew up with ‘This is the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.’ That’s what’s tattooed on my ass, and that’s what I remember.”
–King Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind.
PRESS RELEASE
July 10, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY OFFERS TO LET ‘DEMOCRATIC’ PARTY PICK THROUGH ITS TRASH TO SEARCH FOR A GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE
Just support Artur already goddammit.
NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vicious political clans, today formally offered to let the Democratic Party go through any trash can, dumpster, or fly-swarmed compost heap to search for a somewhat successful white person to run against Congressman Artur Davis’ for the party’s nomination for Governor.
Some Democrats are afraid of the political and patronage consequences of Davis being the party’s candidate. The only other Democrat in the race, radical Leftist Agriculture Commissioner Ron Sparks, is believed not to be a real person, but the handsomely mustachioed creation of a widely successful Internet PhotoShopping competition that has somehow attained and held elected office for the past eight years.
Most recently, party insiders have apparently been trying to recruit Susan Parker, who may be a Hoover City Councilwoman or a Secretary in the Opp Mayor’s Office.
Cockfight Family members admitted that until recently they were not really sure.
“We all thought she was like some sort of State legislator from one of those irrelevant parts of the State — like Huntsville,” said King A. Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “But no, she’s on the Public Service Commission or some silly irrelevant shit, which means it’s not like she’s a real candidate they’re recruiting — and she turned them down!”
“So we figured,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who worked in Republican presidential administrations in the 1980s and early 1990s, “that we should let them pick through our trash for a gubernatorial candidate.
“No matter how much it stinks from baking in the hot summer sun, it is still far better than the lessers’ trash, and given the low and easy standards set by their grooming of fraudulent Socialist President NObama, we figured they could find someone they could pick to run against that other undesirable. It’s so cute when they lie to themselves like that! Support Kay and killing PACT in ‘10!”
“Maybe they could go through the compost heap and make ‘em some sorta Shit-Man — that’d be made out shit and such,” said Carter Cockfight, a former Lowndes County Commissioner running for president for the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION” Party in 2012.
“Uh, if you spot any Asian pornography in my trash,” Carter went on, “that ain’t mine. Continue reading ‘Carrion call.’
