Victory written on digital paper.

PRESS RELEASE

June 18, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CHALLENGES MITT ROMNEY TO A DEBATE ON HIS IMMIGRATION STATUS, SIGNS HIS EBOOK EXPOSING CHICK-FIL-A 

Somewhere in the Midwest — Carter Cockfight, the only presidential candidate who will return America  to its glory by freeing it from immigrant imprisonment, returns to the campaign trail today after the resolution of a family medical emergency. He does so with a challenge to so-called Republican nominee Mitt Killed-Soldiers-at-the-Alamo Romney: Debate me while I’m in the same city so I can expose you for the illegal immigrant you really are, and perhaps purchase my eBook so I can sign it for you.

As Romney continues to lie to America that he is not an illegal Mexican immigrant sleeper agent—a Manchurito Candidate, if you will—by campaigning today in the Midwest and not declaring war on Obama for letting young illegal immigrants vote, Carter Cockfight will be at the same place he is, holding an eReader signing for his new self-published Kindle single, Sick-Fil-A: How Chick-Fil-A’s S. Truett Cathy Is Plotting the Rape and Murder of Your Children by Stealing My Idea and Using It to Help the Immigrants.

The punctuation-less fifty pages of very decently thought-out, Eisenhower-esque ranting details how Chick-Fil-A founder S. Truett Cathy stole Carter’s idea for a “Religi-Chicken” series of fast food restaurants and is using those restaurants as mobile bases of operations for immigrant rape hordes. As best as those who have read Sick-Fil-A can understand, Carter posits that the reason Chick-Fil-As are closed on Sundays are so they can plan their eventual invasions—and also to pray to their “FAGGOT BLOOD GOD” who is responsible for everything wrong in Smokey and the Bandit III.

‘I’M AGAINST IT’ with Carter Cockfight #15: A platform on which to stand.

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, is running for president this year as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket. He has campaigned on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.

To formally kickoff the “heart” of his campaign efforts, Carter is making the following speech in the parking lot of Hoover’s Galleria Mall at some point today and then in various Burger King lots throughout the South for the rest of the week.

I AM WHAT A SIMPLE MAN.

I NEVER WANTED TO WHAT BE A POLITICIAN, THOUGH MY FAMILY’S ALWAYS BEEN WHAT ABOUT THE POLITICKIN’. I ONLY WANTED TO RUN ME A CHAIN OF RESTAURANTS WITH CHICKEN AND JESUS AND HAVE ME A LITTLE FARM PLACE TO KEEP MY PENGUINS AND FIGHTIN’ MANATEES WHAT IN LINE.

THEN ONE DAY, MY WHORE WIFE DONE WHAT GOT PLOWED IN OUR KITCHEN BY SOME MEXICAN FUCKER WHO SAYS HE’S THIRD GENERATION AND TEACHES THE ENGLISH AT SOME QUEER SUPERMARKET COLLEGE IN MOBILE. I WAS GONNA JUST MURDER ‘EM WITH MY SHOTGUN AND FEED THEM TO MY GODDAMNED POLAR BEAR AND JACK OFF WHILE CRYIN’ TO BLOSSOM, BUT I REALIZED THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY TEARS I WHAT CRIED, NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORKED MY DICK-MEAT TO THAT BIRD PORNO, IT AIN’T GONNA STOP A PROBLEM THAT AIN’T JUST LIMITED TO MY WIFE’S ASS-CHEEKS PRESSED UP AGAINST THE ICE-MAKER ON THAT GODDAMN HORSESHIT FRIDGE I SAID MADE ME LOOK LIKE A QUEER ANYWAY.

SO I SET OUT TO KILL ALL THE GODDAMNED IMMIGRANTS. AND WHEN I REALIZED THAT IT WHAT WOULD COST A LOT OF MONEY TO DO IT ALL WITH ME SHOTGUN, I DECIDED I’D WHAT ASK Y’ALL TO JOIN ME IN DOIN’ IT AS WELL.

AS I WHAT TRAVELED THE COUNTRY—OR AT LEAST THE THREE OR FOUR SURROUNDIN’ COUNTIES OUTSIDE O’ LOWNDES COUNTY IN THE CHRISTIAN NOT-GAY ALABAMA—THESE PAST FEW MONTHS, I DONE WHAT UNDERSTOOD THAT THERE DONE BE A LOT OF OTHER BIG PROBLEMS THAT PRESIDENTIN’ HAD BETTER SOLVE.

SO I’LL WHAT TELL YOU HOW IMMIGRANT KILLIN’ FIXES ALLA ‘EM.

Foreign Policy

WE GONNA KILL ALL THE GODDAMNED IMMIGRANTS!

Jobs

WE GONNA TAKE THAT WHOLE ELECTRIFICATION SEA-WALL DOWN WHAT IN FLOMATON AND WE GONNA BUILD ONE ALL AROUND THE BORDERS TO KEEP ALL THEM GODDAMNED IMMIGRANTS OUT, AND THAT’S WHAT GONNA CREATE ALL SORTS A ENGINEERIN’ AND BUILDIN’ AND MCDONALD’S JOBS BECAUSE PEOPLE GON’ DONE WHAT NEED THEM SOME DESIGNIN’ AND WORKIN’ AND MCGRIDDLES TO GET THEM DEATH MACHINES WHAT BUILT.

BUT THAT DON’T WHAT MEAN I BELIEVE THAT GOVERNMENT’S A JOB CREATOR! THOUGH IT IS THE MOST EFFICIENT AT IMMIGRANT’ KILLINS’, ALL GOVERNMENT IS IS A WHORE-BEAST THAT WHAT TRIES TO TAKE YOUR ASS-VIRGINITY BY MAKIN’ YOU PAY TAXES.

WITH YOUR BUTTHOLE!

SO I’M GONNA LET THE PRIVATE SECTOR HANDLE  ALL THE CLEAN-UP. SO WHEN PRIVATE FOLKS GET TIRED OF ALL THEM IMMIGRANT BODIES STINKIN’ UP IN THE STREETS AND ON THE WALLS AND SHIT, THEY CAN WHAT CLEAN THEM UP AND SELL THEM TO PEOPLE WHO WANT ‘EM AS TROPHIES AND SHIT. AND HELL, I RECKON THEY HAVE OIL FOR BLOOD AND SHIT—WHERE ELSE DOES ALL THAT QUEER OIL COME FROM DOWN IN THE GULF OF MEXICO WHAT COME FROM SINCE THEY SWIM IN IT ALL THE TIME?!

INDUSTRY!

Gay Marriage

AFTER SO MANY OF OUR BOYS ARE GONNA DIE AFTER THEY ARE ATTACKED BY THE IMMIGRANTS’ GODDAMN FUCK-ZEPPELINS, I AIN’T LETTIN’ NO GODDAMN QUEERMOGRANTS HAVE ANY OPEN SEASON ON OUR SOLDIERS’ BUTT-PLUMBIN’, ASSHOLES!

Women

I LIKE FUCKIN’ ‘EM!

BUT IMMIGRANTS CAN’T!

THEY GOTTA WATCH!

THAT’S THEY PUNISHMENT!

OTHER THAN KILLIN’!

I HOPE Y’ALL ALL SEE NOW THAT I HAVE A LOTTA THEM IDEAS ABOUT HOW IMMIGRANT MURDERIN’ WILL FIX ALL AMERICA’S PROBLEMS AND BEST OF ALL KEEP ALL OF THEM MILLIONS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM RUTTIN’ OUT MY WIFE LIKE A DRAINAGE DITCH!

AND IF Y’ALL DON’T, I’LL FIND Y’ALL AND FUCK Y”ALL UP WITH A RAKE AND A GODDAMN SHOTGUN UNTIL YOU GET THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ POINT, YOU IMMIGRANT-FUCKIN’ LUNATIC BASTARDS!

I’M THE CARTER COCKFIGHT AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!

BUILD THE GODDAMN SEA-WALL!

When he’s not campaigning, Carter Cockfight lives on the Cockfight Family’s “Farm” property. You can read his Twitter ramblings from the campaign trail @CarterCockfight.

Good Friday.

PRESS RELEASE

March 30, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ANNOUNCES IT WILL BE ‘RAPTURED’ ON SUNDAY, WISHES LESSERS’ THE WORST DURING THEIR ONGOING TIME IN HELL

Close Cockfight Family friend, Jesus Christ.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and surprisingly holiest political clans, today formally announced that the Lord will Rapture them into Heaven this Sunday.

“Jesus contacted us over the weekend,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a prominent Republican strategist. “He told us that it was time to finally reward us by calling us—and just us—to Heaven while the rest of the lessers were left behind to war themselves into oblivion.

“This is all of course, very real, isn’t that right, David?”

“No comment,” said the Rev. David Cockfight, a former Southern Baptist minister and best-selling self-help author.

“I’m real totally bummed that I won’t be able to get married like I planned on doing,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated political consultant. “Totally bummed about not being able to not be single, but hey, I’ll be with Jesus, and that will be awesome, I reckon.

“But at least what’s left of my Weblog will stand and prove that Cal Alabaster, Jr. son of a bitch wrong in his ‘y’all are all fictional’ bullshit since I’ll be dead and all and he’ll probably keep writing over at Weld for Fuckers.”

“No comment,” Dave Cockfight said.

The Family has been told by Jesus that they will ascend to Heaven—clothes on, since they’re better than you all—around noon on Sunday.

The rest of you meek lessers will inherit the Earth we shit to death.

And we get to go to Heaven with the rest of the betters.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama sez, ‘We’d like more immigrants taken care of before we get married and teach no sex.’

Roger Bedford is really sorry about what he did. He just was out of it and he couldn't really see how bad his actions were going to be toward him and his colleagues. Also, he probably shouldn't have introduced that recall bill. His bad.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A majority of Alabamians support HB56, but they also want to see changes to the state’s harsh immigration law.

Unfortunately for opponents of the bill, those changes they want to see?

More dead Mexicans.

-Hi bill sponsored by Sen. Roger “Blindy McCorruptnuts” Bedford that would allow elected officials to be recalled in Alabama clearing a Senate committee!

Bye bill that would allow elected officials to be recalled after Bedford realizes what he has done!

-All Roy Moore news is associated with Lassie because I imagine this is what talking to him is like these days:

Judge “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” says he is not worried about an independent candidate joining as a sane alternative in the race for chief justice.

That’s because he’s so fucking out of his gourd he wouldn’t notice anyway.

Alabama’s gonna save your marriage even if it kills you, baby.

Phil Williams also is sponsoring the personhood anti-abortion amendment this session. He is so into protecting his vision of the Christian family that he chokes himself a little bit when he sees clips of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet."

With all other problems solved in Alabama, State legislators have boldly turned their attention to upgrading marriage to supermarriage:

A “no-fault divorce” for incompatibility or for breakdown of the marriage, options available under Alabama law, would not be available for couples choosing the covenant marriage option. Couples still could get married under Alabama’s current marriage law if the plan, Senate Bill 270 by Sen. Phil Williams, R-Rainbow City, were to take effect.

Supporters said a covenant marriage law would let couples pick an option that could foster longer-lasting marriages.

“We’re asking for folks to consider, at their own option, whether or not they want to take the extra steps to preserve and protect their marriage,” Williams said. “This is a great opportunity to be pro-family.”

Yeah, take that Alabama Anti-Family Lobby. We’ve seen all your AAFL billboards on I-65, telling folks that they should just abandon their kids at a mall and to fuck as many people and animals at once in lieu of committed, monogamous relationships!

We’ll fix you, you nonexistent pieces of shit, you!

BETTERS’ READING: It’s too late for Alabamians to not learn how to spell ‘Lassie for Chief Jurstice.’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading this morning.

-Sorry y’all that wanted to field your own independent chief justice candidate as an alternative to Democrat Chocolate Genocide and Republican Judge THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE: Turns out the deadline passed last week by the time the voting counting was done.

But you can still write in “Poop” to the same effect as voting for either Roy Moore or Harry Lyon come this November.

-Alabama got a C- for government corruption in a new study.

Clearly, this is something we need to fix here.

As the Cockfight Family has regularly pointed out, graft is a key part of the State’s economy.

Let’s turn government into even more of a no-legged whore for our government leaders and the special interests who pay them’s casual fucking needs.

Do it for the children.

‘I’M AGAINST IT’ with Carter Cockfight #14: Showin’ ‘em how good it could be.

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.

Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog.

I’M THE CARTER COCKFIGHT AND I DONE WHAT AM BACK HERE TO TELL YOU PROBABLY PIGFUCKIN’ ASSHOLES WHO DONE WHAT GONNA VOTE FOR ME WHAT I’M A THINKIN’ ABOUR RIGHT NOW. AND IF Y’ALL DONE DON’T LIKE THAT, WELL Y’ALL CAN FUCK Y’ALL’S SELVES WITH A COPY OF SOMETHIN’ BY THAT QUEEROCRAT GEORGE ORWELL.

FUCKIN’ BRITISH BASTARD GETTIN’ OFF ON WATCHIN’ ME MASTURBATE IN MY BEDROOM ON HIS BIG TV! Y’ALL’S BULLSHIT AIN’T COMIN’ TRUE, TOOTHLESS WHORE-BASTARDS!

SO SOME OF Y’ALL HAUGHTY FAG-BASTARDS ALL BEEN DONE WHAT ASKIN’ ME WHY OL’ CARTER AIN’T BEEN DONE WHAT CAMPAIGNIN’ WHILE THE ELEPHANT-FUCKIN’ REPUBLICAN WHORES WERE IN TOWN LAST WEEK.

WELL, THAT’S BECAUSE I BEEN DONE TRAVELIN’ ‘ROUND THE COUNTRY RAISIN’ MY OWN VOTERS, SPEAKIN’ AT MINUTEMEN MEETINS’ IN TEXAS, TALKIN’ WHAT WITH MILITIA MEMBERS UP IN MICHIGAN, AND HANGIN’ OUT WITH AS MANY FOLKS IN CONFEDERATE BANDANAS AND THEY TONGUE-KISSIN’ COMMON LAW WIVES AT FLEA MARKETS HERE IN ALABAMA BECAUSE I AIN’T NO FOREIGN STATE QUEER.

I BEEN SPEAKIN’ TO MY REAL PEOPLE SO WE DONE WHAT HAVE A GOOD BASE WHEN WE REALLY START CAMPAIGNIN’ ONCE THE BIG PARTY HORSEFUCKERS DONE WHAT FINISH THEIR CIRCLE-JERK.

ALSO, IF WE DON’T WIN, WE’LL RAISE UP A MILITIA AND START INVADIN’ THE CITIES!

GONNA BE LOTS OF KILLIN’!

IN AN AMERICAN CHRISTIAN WAY!

Other crazy things that Republican presidential forum attendees told NPR.

By now, you may have read the NPR story where attendees of last night’s Republican presidential candidate forum in Birmingham told a reporter that they still believe Obama is a Muslim and that there’s a magic secret part that everybody knows in the Constitution that says you have to be the son of two naturalized citizens to be elected president.

(Yes, they really said that.)

But NPR left out a lot of other good quotes reflecting the views of those who attended the forum, probably for the best of America.

Because The Cockfight Family have not necessarily been that fond of America, we share them with you here now:

-”It’s truly offensive to me that we have a president who wasn’t born here as president because my parents went to the effort of buying some land, giving birth to me in a field, and making me eat a turkey I killed with my bare hands raw on my second birthday so I could be a citizen—JUST LIKE THE CONSTITUTION SAYS.”

ELECTION MORNING READING: ‘THINGS AIN’T HORSEY-JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.

Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.

-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.

Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.

…

Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?

Goddammit.

-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.

I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.

I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

Bad things are going to start happening soon.

Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…

-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.

But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.

In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side  of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.

As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.

And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.

No one, dammit.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman is not fond of the Help America Vote Act at all.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-If you had to win an election to work on elections, you’d understand the rage: The feds have gotten a temporary restraining order against Alabama for not sending out ballots on time to overseas military voters.

Also, perhaps because Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman sent this text:

I guess she thinks that the Help America Vote Act made registration too complicated..?

Clay Scofield's interest and concurrent fear of the power of vaginas has only grown the more he has delved into the works of Judy Bloom.

-The high-profile defense lawyer who figures out how to literally jerk off during closing and not get disbarred will win the Nobel Prize: The most important advice I’ve ever received from an Alabama trial attorney is that, when you toss that chicken salad sandwich at a prosecutor in a high-profile gambling and public corruption trial, it’s that no matter how you do it, you do it with confidence…

-Meanwhile, in digital cooch-jabbin’ news: Oh snap, fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield took down a Facebook page!

Quick, Huntsville TV news!

After him!

Monday, WAAY31′s Shea Allen went from one end of Marshall County to the other searching for the senator. Finally, late Monday afternoon, Scofield granted Allen his first on camera interview since introducing the bill last week. He explained that he shut down his Facebook pages after the messages became hostile and threatening, claiming some had posted personal information, including his home address and cell phone number on the wall.

Look guys, Clay just doesn’t have the time to hang out with TV news about his Facebook since he got picked first chair for his junior high’s wind ensemble.

He has responsibilities now.

Also, he totally didn’t think people would get so emotional about this abortion junk.