ELECTION MORNING READING: ‘THINGS AIN’T HORSEY-JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.

Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.

-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.

Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.

…

Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?

Goddammit.

-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.

I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.

I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

Bad things are going to start happening soon.

Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…

-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.

But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.

In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side  of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.

As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.

And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.

No one, dammit.

Cold, sharp points.

PRESS RELEASE

February 27, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY THROWS SUPPORT BEHIND ‘THE ALABAMA COOCH-JABBIN’ ACT OF 2012′

Knowledgeable about when your cooch should and must be jabbed to the benefit of the Alabama Republican Party.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and socially strictest (on other people) political clans, today formally announced their support for apparently fourteen-year-old Alabama State Senator Clay Scofield’s “Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.”

The bill, which cleared the Senate Health Committee last week and will be considered by the full Senate tomorrow, would require women who plan to have abortions to have something jabbed in their cooches for some vague medical reason that is being officially touted to poorly mask the bill’s true purpose:

That women be turned into a human candy apple in order to shame them out of having an abortion.

“The Cockfight Family are huge fans of States shoving things in vaginas to prove a political point,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a key Republican strategist. “If a fine, Godly Republican man such as Clay Scofield believes women needs their cooches jabbed with a cold probe at the State’s order to whore to his base, then by God, those girls’ cooches best get ready to be jabbed.

“And unlike that RINO [Virginia Governor] Bob McDonnell, he isn’t going to sell us out because Clay Scofield’s never going to be vice president.”

BETTERS’ READING: My scary vagina burns with the pain of an awful Monday.

Tom Parker is willing to write for hundreds of pages about his fear of vaginas and the things that can happen there.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-The New York Times gives a nice gauge of how totally fucked Jefferson County is. In response, Senator Arthur Orr of Decatur has called for an end to all taxes or revenue of any sort in Jefferson County in hopes that if the State looks away from Jefferson County and acts like partisan, blind shitheads for long enough, the problem will just go away.

-Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is so conservative that he often literally cannot be moved. In fact, some of his Republican colleagues on the Court donated to a Democratic opponent in 2010 to try to get his lazy ass off the bench so they wouldn’t have to pick up his workload.

But you give him a case where he can spew out some bullshit about long-settled issues pertaining to abortion, America’s favorite time-waster of a political issue, and shit, he’ll do bullshit jumping jacks for you all the live long day.

All fucking day long.

-When the economy crashed into the worst state it has been in since 2008, it made us all focus on what was important—substantive issues that have frankly wedged us further apart, but have at least focused more on the things that government can honestly control and affect. Democratic leaders focused on adding another layer in the social safety net with healthcare reform. Republican leaders sought to lessen government spending so that our country would not be crippled by insurmountable debt.

Then, one little administrative dispute over birth control later, America’s political focus has shifted back to the one issue where its guiders think it belongs—the one issue that we can’t seem to get over:

Vaginas are really scary, y’all.

Real, real scary.

-THE JESUS BABIES WON’T KILL EACH OTHER IF THEY WEAR THE PANTS RIGHT!

So hard for it, honey.

Look, Tom Parker ain’t got time for your liberal, al-Qaeda suckling allegations that he should do his job he was elected to by doing the job he was elected to. He ain’t no activist judge — primarily because, as you can imagine by the resemblance between the two words, activism typically requires some sort of activity.

And he don’t cotton to this Democrat Mac Parsons sayin’ that him not doin’ his job ain’t right because Mac Parsons is a [Pick the laziest conservative-pandering allegation you can find, lazy it up a bit more, then don't put it here to afford it the proper level of laziness befitting Tom Parker]:

Parker responded by calling Parsons “a liberal Democratic judge” who believes the court system should be a factory for producing paperwork.

That’s right you secret Democrat who’s running as a Democrat! Our Founding Fathers never intended for our courts systems to involve “filing papers” in order for “cases to be argued”! Until gay fascists liberals like Jimmy Carter got in power, all Alabama attorneys had to memorize their arguments or their case was dismissed and they were forced to buy the opposing side a pig!

Now we have to file all these “wills” and “contracts” and “complaints” and “motions for summary judgment” and “indictments” and “affidavits” and “judicial opinions that is one of my main jobs to author but I don’t” and it’s costing the State money we don’t have! Alamerican families don’t write judicial opinions when they don’t have the money, why can’t the Government?! Why don’t you believe fiscal conservatism like 99.9% of real Alamericans do, liberal?!

You just want us to be speaking Chinese like your Socialist Gay Communist Nazi kin, don’t you, liberal who wants me to do my job?!

Parker says using Parsons’ logic, Iowa citizens should support their Supreme Court justices for legalizing same-sex marriage because the justices are producing lots of opinions.

See! See! See what happens Democrat who runs as a Democrat?! Those judges started readin’ and writin’ and the next thing you know there was legalized gay butt-love!

Clown cars.

Earlier this week, allegedly accomplished White Republican Bradley Byrne told The Huntsville Times‘ editorial board that this year’s GOP gubernatorial primary has devolved in a race between the “serious” candidates (meaning himself) and the “silly” candidates who offer up “junk” policy that has nothing to do with Alabama’s real problems (see everyone else, especially Flaming Shit-Cloud of Death Tim James).

How have the other candidates responded to his claim?

True lies.

February 15, 2010

Dear Caucasian Huntsville-area Republican voter:

My name is Jamison Eagle Cockfight II, a former staff member in the administration of your other personal savior, Ronald Reagan. I may have written you recently about Congressman Parker Griffith in a letter that I regret was drafted and mailed prior to his hasty re-baptism under the correct brand of social and fiscal conservative. You may have heard on the talk radio that the congressman is now a Republican, thus we must let him join our righteous stand against the creeping, undesirable influence of Socialist fraudulent President NObama and the stretch-faced San Franciscan female liberal who helps perpetuate our irrational distrust of liberals, San Franciscans, and independent women.

Since Parker-ino has joined our side now, please ignore the strong language and pretty much all the claims made about him in that mailing. What I said about him in that letter are things that I would say about a Democrat, and since Congressman Griffith has been converted into the most electable Republican candidate by Christ’s love, those claims no longer apply.

For example, when I called him a “liberal,” I should have said that Parker is a social and fiscal. conservative who won’t raise taxes and opposes abortion.

When I implied he was a crazy doctor who drew out the cancer of innocent Christian old people who never had premarital sex to make the maximum amount of money and painfully harvested their bone marrow for salad dressing at his fancy abortion dinner parties in San Francisco, I should have written that he will support NASA funding to create a teleportation system that prevents illicit baby-making if he does not cure it himself through some sort of immensely affordable and quality cancer treatment and the power of prayer.

Shirts versus skins.

The State’s vehemently anti-AEA crowd has a giant, throbbing rage-boner for fifth-place Republican gubernatorial candidate Dr. Robert Bentley,  who voted against resegregation charter schools in committee yesterday and is now being called an AEA sellout. Bentley supporters have let out a loud “Nuh-uuuuuuuuuuhhhhh!” in response.

But we, the Cockfight Family, are of the belief that engaging this line of debate entertains the possibility that Bentley may be elected Governor, something that remains an obvious impossibility no matter how irrationally pitched his support may be in some circles and no matter how much staff he randomly hires and thus isn’t worth the effort to attack.

Plus, to us, this whole no re-segregation charter schools thing ignores the bigger, more important, Bent-Dog topic right now: His random and unexplained banning from Twitter around the start of the week.

Now some anti-AEA conspiracy theorists could say that Bentley somehow self-suspended himself from the “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” network, but we reject that enough people knew he was on Twitter to do that and that Twitter is an actually viable way of engaging him personally, given that most of the campaign’s Twitter accounts seem to actually be a group of bored staffers and automated press release feeds. If not, Kay Ivey’s live brainfart feed happens.

And because the State’s newspapers are too busy estimating the size of John Tyson’s figurative prosecutory penis to care, here’s uninformed speculation that has no factual or newsworthy basis whatsoever as to why Bent-Dog isn’t wasting his and everyone else’s time on the Twitter anymore:

This is about what it looks like.

Daphne biz-dude Charles L.H. Taylor announced this week that he’ll be the State’s eighth Republican candidate to spend the fall beating a black Democrat. To be Governor.

Is this finally a meaningful candidate in a GOP field that’s been marked by murkily-defined lead candidates, light-headed legacies, wounded shouldn’t-be-heres, vengeful castaways, and Twitterbanned Dr. Robert Bentley?

Nah. This is just some random Republican dude who thinks he can beat abortion at the State level.

…

No, he’s not just like the rest of field –  I mean, he’s  a really irrational Republican.

…

What do you mean they’re all irrational? No, I mean, he’s really naive in presenting this as a key issue that matters at all in this State and keeps citing Christianity as to why as if that’s a rational, logical argument in any way.

…

Just read the goddamn excerpt:

Hanksturbation: Legal language.

Hank Erwin is a Republican State Senator and candidate for Lieutenant Governor. And a jackass.

From the Twitter feed that Hank Erwin doesn’t want my sweet-natured preacher daddy to see because his skin is apparently so thin that it is almost translucent:

I am always amazed by liberals who say that you can’t legislate morality. Duh! All laws are designed to legislate morality.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TAX LAWS TELL YOU NOT TO FORNICATE WITH THINGS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO! WHEN THEY MAKE YOU PAY TAX HIKES THEY ARE ALSO UNFAIR! TAXES ARE YOUR MONEY! BUT THEY ARE TAKEN MORALLY TO PREVENT FOLKS FROM MURDERING HOBOS WHILE TRANSPORTING MALT LIQUOR AND METHAMPHETAMINE ACROSS STATE LINES! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! SO GLAD WE USED ZONING LAWS TO KEEP MURDER OUT OF CLANTON! NO ONE WANTS ALL THAT BLOOD ALL OVER THE PEACH! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! UNLESS IT IS BABY-SAVING PRO-LIFE BLOOD! THAT PEACH SHOULDN’T GIVE UP ITS ILLICITLY-BRED YOUNG! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Bonus:

went to see the movie “Extraordinary Measures” tonight. Bad language at times. But I say Two thumbs up!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! BAD LANGUAGE IN A PG-RATED MOVIE IS MORE OFFENSIVE THAN SAYING THAT NEW ORLEANS DESERVED TO DROWN IN KATRINA! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

We make our dreams come true.

Nanny only had all the kids around to get money to pay down her Mississippi gambling debts.

The Alabama Department of Human Resources and No Fucking Hippies (DHRFuckUHippie) is stepping up efforts to recruit potential parents for the young in its care.

How are they doing it?

• Through February 21st, free Zune with every adoption.
• Walking through parking lots of malls in Birmingham suburbs, attaching “Oh yeah? Well why don’t you adopt one of these unwanted, unloved kids, then, Cap’n(s) Fuck-Hole?” stickers next to “Pro-Life” bumper stickers on recent-model SUVs, sedans, and minivans.
• Distributing pamphlets on tax deductions available for those with kids along with pamphlets explaining what “taxes” and “deductions” are.
• Long John Silver’s coupons.
• Buying “You can save this one from the Arubans!” billboards in Birmingham area.
• Free PACT contract … oh … oh … sorry…
• Working gun shows as part of groundbreaking “You could train it to kill shit” awareness campaign.
• Training as many of the children in DHRFuckUHippie’s care to be athletically gifted.
• Explaining to prospective parents that an abandoned child is a lot like “when Fox totally buttfucked Firefly into cancellation. So, say, if you adopt this kids, it’s like you’re bringing back Firefly with mystical black preacher man, that hot ass-kicking Terminator-chick,  and that smokin’ hot Geisha whore-lady and everything!” For fans of Joss Whedon’s earlier work, DHRFuckUHippie officials will explain that adopting the child is “a lot like giving Angel the Season 6 it totally fucking deserved, preserving the bad-assed contained-Armageddonish cliffhanger ending but without killing Wesley. Because later-season Wesley is fucking awesome. Isn’t later-season Wesley fucking awesome? That could be your kid, man!”
• Promising upper middle-class white parents that if things work out Sandra Bullock will star in a cheesy, antiseptic post-racial fairytale about their lives.