Guest post by J. Eagle Cockfight II
Semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist
Huzzah to Congressman Joe Wilson of South Carolina! They can try to censure you, but your ability to scream something loud and disrespectful at Socialist Fraudulent President NObama in an honorable setting was truly inspired leadership on your part. In gracious return, you get my campaign donation check and a little less urgence for South Carolina to lead a new secession movement to make up for Mark Sanford’s delicious sins! Huzzah!
But shame on the other Republicans for not being disrespectful enough — especially the Alabama delegation.
Instead of playing with their Blackberrys, why did no one flip him the middle finger while looking away from him until he agreed to back an constitutional amendment restoring Christian prayer in schools? Mike Rogers, I thought you were our asshole! The bar has been raised, and glossing over two old people gently and vehemently battling over whether America is now a dictatorship under a black Democrat* just isn’t cutting it anymore, Mikey!
I am just as infinitely disappointed in Richard Shelby for not refusing to a wear a shirt during official business until the passage of a flat tax! You have to unleash those bear-bosoms of yours if you want to smother out the Infernal Raping Service, my friend!
And how could not one Southern congressman be furious that NObama came in through the front door?** Continue reading ‘The violent bear it away.’
Guest post by the Rev. David Cockfight
Semi-retired travel and supply minister
Greatest film of all time.
Oh, Patrick, I can’t help but feeling all the stars of my twenties and thirties that meant so much to me are all joining the Lord at the same time.
Thank you for Ghost. Thank you for Roadhouse. And thank you — most of all — for Dirty Dancing, my friend.
I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.
…
That’s because me and the wife made love three times the night we watched that movie.
I feel like I owe you and Jennifer Grey’s original nose something fierce for providing the inspiration for that.
That and ginseng.
Lots of ginseng.
Thanks man.
The Rev. David “Sexy Preacher” Cockfight is the author of successful self-help books such as The One-Step Guide To Avoiding Adultery, Vol. 3: Seriously, Don’t Sleep Around and The Great Sex Cookbook — Holiday Edition 2007 as well as a former Southern Baptist Convention minister. He now works as a part-time travel and supply preacher throughout much of the Southeast. He continues his ongoing experiment to make Twitter “less gay” for the Cockfight Family at twitter.com/SexyPreacher58.
"WILLIAM! WYATT! BIBB!"
Last week Californians had to break away from their daily routine of group sex, marijuana use, and raping American values before they learned that one of their most supposedly moral legislators was a dirty spanking bastard who tells his buddies heartwarming tales of cum drizzling out of female genitalia while he inadvertently admitted to having an affair with female lobbyists who wear eyepatch underwear during a committee meeting. So messy!
It was shocking, but no state is without its own sordid tales forged at the greasy intersection of sex and politics.
That’s why we at The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind have delved into our archives to find you the finest, nut-bustingest tales of our Great-ish State’s past leaders’ prurient interest.
Please bear in mind that a hefty portion of the Society’s archives are made up of notes taken during drunken rants of Cockfight Family members — a practice dating back to Family patriarch and admitted horse-mutiliator Oglethorpe Cockfight’s several futile attempts to make himself the center of his own religion.
Therefore, most of what you are about read SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED FACT.
Now, to introduce our research, here’s a special note prepared by Society President and Cockfight Family Historian Brewer T. Alberts III during his ongoing treatment at Bradford Health Services in Decatur.
Brewer is the author of dozens of books on Alabama and sex, including Stand Firm: An Unofficial Biography of George Wallace’s Penis and The Indigeneous Tribes of Alabama and How I Would Make Love to Them.
Brewer?
AHHHHH! I’M SO FUCKING COLD!
WHY THE FUCK DID I LET YOU MAKE ME FOLLOW THROUGH ON THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT, KING?!? I FUCKING HATE YOU, YOU PRIVILEGED COCKSUCKING SPECKLED DICK-TROUT!
GIVE ME SOME FUCKING H! I JUST WANNA DIE!
I JUST WANNA DIE!
Thanks Brewer.
Let’s begin. Continue reading ‘GREAT MOMENTS IN ALABAMA HISTORY WITH BREWER T. ALBERTS III: I want your sex.’
Only the most solemn of days can be remembered via collector's coin...
It’s been eight years since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.
Today is a day for solemn remembrance and deep reflection.
What have we, as Americans, learned since a day that changed all our lives forever? Continue reading ‘Memories.’
THINGS AIN'T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!
Look, Alabama press.
Look.
We know it’s awesome and all that Chuck Norris decided it would be fun to take a victory lap endorsement of Roy Moore last week — ’cause, you know, he already did this nearly three months ago — but we don’t need 377 articles starting or ending with Chuck Norris fact jokes from, like, two or three years ago:
‘Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship.’
That tidbit comes from chucknorrisfacts.com, a Web site filled with farfetched claims about Chuck Norris , the former star of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’
Norris recently gave his stamp of approval to Roy Moore , endorsing the former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court in his 2010 bid for governor.
See? See? See?
I know grandpa in Theodore needs some information to try to understand what these doggone kids and their jokes about aging karate stars and what it has to do with Captain “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” but some of us are pretty worn out with this vintage Internet humor.
Now, if someone — be it a newspaper columnist or a Weblogger — were to make a deadpan list of Chuck Norris-like facts about Roy Moore, such as: Continue reading ‘No, they’re not funny anymore.’
"Frothy."
As a political Weblogger of doubtful sobriety and questionable political bent, Politico has delivered me some very good news:
Add former Sen. Rick Santorum to the list of potential 2012 Republican presidential candidates.
POLITICO has learned Santorum will visit first-in-the-nation Iowa this fall for a series of appearances before the sort of conservative activists who dominate the state GOP’s key presidential caucuses.
Rick Santorum running for president.
Of the United States — not the New Confederacy.
(That’s later in 2012. It’s all in the Birmingham-JeffCo Chamber of Commerce’s plan.)
I’m imagining the headlines, oozing out of my brain like, like … something:
Prove you're real-er!
Ah. The Racist Birther. Angry. Disaffected. Unable to see that this is the first non-news link that pops up when you do a Google search for “Obama birth certificate hawaii” — or at least unwilling to read it.
And has the Press-Register found earlier this week, a quick search on Google (or Bing, if you’re gay) appears to have satisfied much of Alabama’s congressional delegation that President Kenyan is probably an actual American. Maybe not a Real American, but he was born here apparently.
Despite dumb, poorly-phrased things he has said at the delicious All-Steak, we dealt with Dick Shelby months ago. We hope he’s learned his lesson: Say nothing of value about a national “issue” while in Cullman. The dumb rays emitting there, likely from the radioactive decay of the racism that oozed from those damned signs, make everything look and sound stupider within the city limits.
And if none of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s personalities have questions left about Obama’s citizenship, we question why this is still an issue at all.
But that’s why there’s Robert Aderholt — who reminds you, as a side note, to stay the fuck away from that cow’s ass.
Commits genocide with her portliness.
The Press-Register had an updated report this weekend on how, despite her perseverance to help poor people in Bayou La Batre, black-female-doctor-genius Surgeon General nominee Dr. Regina Benjamin is an evil fat Hitler who shouldn’t get the job because she indirectly kills babies with the cellulite that has to be there because we saw two photos of her and she looks totally fat in both of them.
And somehow — probably because her big ass was in the way — I missed this darling gem of heartbreakingly vapid right-wing commentary:
On Tuesday, [FOX NEWS'!!!!!!] Neil Cavuto hosted a guest clad in a ‘No Chubbies’ T-shirt who accused Benjamin of ‘being lazy and making poor food choices.’
Wait a minute.
Waitaminute!
Did FOX NEWS!!!!! put a guy on TV last week who was basically wearing a “No Fat Chicks” T-shirt and call him an expert?!
Whoa.
This opens a new realm of possibilities for me.
Do you think that if I started saying that Lance Armstrong isn’t a good role model for cancer survivors because he’s in good shape and hasn’t done chemo in quite a while, I could go on Shep Smith’s show while wearing my “My dick is the cure for cancer!” wife-beater I bought during Spring Break 2000… ?
From the AP via the Montgomery Advertiser:
Invitations to New York attorney Sanford Rubenstein’s fundraiser [for Congressman Artur Davis' gubernatorial campaign] Monday night suggested contributions could be made in amounts of between $1,000 and $10,000. The address on the invitations? Rubenstein’s penthouse on Manhattan’s affluent East side.
[Ron] Sparks, the state agriculture commissioner and Davis’ primary rival, said his old-fashioned fish fry in rural Alabama would be an outdoor event assembling about 200 supporters.
Later this week Davis will hold a fundraising mixer at a prestigious Washington, D.C., lobbying firm, while Sparks will raffle tickets at a flea market in Dothan.
So if you haven’t seen it, here’s the video of a far-left Weblogger stalking Secret Republican Congressman Bobby Bright with a camera, telling him upfront that he doesn’t know what his name is, and then attempting to blackmail him because he doesn’t know what his name is:
And here’s what the usually decently reasonable folks at Left In Alabama had to say about it:
He refused to provide even his name let alone answer any questions about health care. Health care is the big ticket item this year. If Bobby Bright and Parker Griffith can’t come down on the right side of this issue I think it is safe to say their DINO status will be cemented.
Yes, why won’t Bobby Bright answer questions to the douchebag who admits — on camera — that he doesn’t know his name, then threatens to blackmail him because Bobby Bright won’t make up for this camera-carrying douchebag not having his shit together. Continue reading ‘‘I’m an immature asshole with a camera. Why won’t you take my questions seriously?’’
PRESS RELEASE
July 18, 2009
COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘REMEMBERS’ LEGENDARY CBS NEWSMAN WALTER CRONKITE
Dead.
“I remember crying when he announced that Kennedy was dead. He was truly an amazing individual and perhaps the best newsman — and by far best broadcaster — of the 20th century. Plus, the day I conceived my son King — which I did during Paul Harvey — I snuck in a quickie later near the end of the 5:30 newscast. That was a heck of a day for me and the bride.”
–The Rev. David Cockfight, semi-retired travel and supply minister and successful self-help author.
“He was hot.”
–JoAnne Cockfight, the Rev. Cockfight’s wife.
“He made it hard for us who wanted a piece of that killin’ in Vietnam to get us some! Especially killin’ the hippies!”
–Carter McCarthy Cockfight, former Lowndes County Commissioner and 2012 “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party presidential nominee.
“Men like him an Edward R. Murrow symbolize the awful emboldening of Lefty McGayreporter into thinking he can tell what is really going on, and not just what their betters tell them to say. Thankfully we’ve reined in CNN and Fox News and MSNBC and they tend to do what they’re told, but the threat, albeit small, of Americans being forced to watch Lefty demonstrate social sodomy still remains.”
–J. Eagle Cockfight II, former staff member in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations.
“I don’t remember watching him at all, so I don’t know what you’re asking me for. I grew up with ‘This is the CBS Evening News with Dan Rather.’ That’s what’s tattooed on my ass, and that’s what I remember.”
–King Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind.
Guest post by Carter McCarthy Cockfight
2012 “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party presidential candidate
WE MUST KNOW QUICKLY WHICH REPUBLICAN SENATOR ATTEMPTED TO HAND-RAPE THE THIGH OF NEW* YORK TIMES LIBERAL ASSHOLE COLUMNIST DAVID BROOKS!
PRESIDENT KENYAN MUST CALL ON THE FBI AND ATF AND ANY OF OTHER SECRET AGENCIES THAT SHOULDN’T BE WATCHIN’ ME SLEEP TO FIGURE WHO THE SECRET QUEER IS IN AMONG THE REPUBLICAN SENATORS IN THE U.S.!
IF WE DO NOT FIGURE THIS OUT, THE IMMIGRANTS CAN TAKE ADVANTAGE BY LETTIN’ THIS SECRET HAND-RAPIST RUB THEIR PALMS OVER ANYWHERE THEY WANT ON ONE OF THEIR SEX MAGICIANS’ BODIES AND GET ‘EM TO GIVE AWAY DEFENSE CODES AND SUCH. NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY’RE IN YOUR HOUSE, TAKIN’ YOUR WIFE AND PLAYIN’ THAT GODDAMNED MUSIC ALL THE TIME.
IT’S GODDAMNED UNETHICAL THAT THE LIBERAL NEW* YORK TIMES FELLA WOULDN’T GIVE UP THE NAME THE FIRST TIME!
AS FAR AS ALABAMA AND THE FREE STATE OF WINSTON, I DO NOT SEE THE SECRET GAY BEING MOST OF THE PERSONALITIES OF MY GOOD FRIEND JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD SESSIONS III. I DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE IN BIG DICK SHELBY, EITHER, EVEN HE REALLY WANTED HIS STATUE THAT BAD.
(I SAY IF THEY BUILD A STATUE OF ‘IM IN TUSCALOOSA, THEY OUGHT TO BUILD A BIGGER ONE OF THE BEAR BESIDE HIM TO SHOW ‘EM ALL WHO’S STILL IN CHARGE! ROLL DAMN TIDE!)
BUT THE SEXUALITY OR PERSONAL TICKS OF EVERYONE WE ELECT IS OBVIOUSLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THING SO WE MUST IGNORE ALL ELSE UNTIL WE FIND THEM.
THEN THE TRIAL CAN BEGIN!
*To avoid severing ties to several wealthy associates in Mountain Brook and with the Free State of Israel, Carter’s use of the word “Jew” has been edited out of the text he originally submitted for this post.
Carter McCarthy Cockfight is a retired Lowndes County Commissioner and a 2012 presidential candidate on the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party ticket. He lives on the Cockfight Family’s “Farm” property with his son Collins, of whom he is deeply ashamed.
"Follow the road. FOLLOW IT."
In light of the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind has assembled a series of short profiles on the 47 recorded multiple personalities of Republican Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Sotomayor’s chief opposition interrogator with a Southern accent.
The first part of this series can be found here.
As should be noted in any Weblog posting about its research, most of The Society’s records are from drunken conversations by Cockfight Family members and likely should not be considered as fact.
Unless you think “empathy” means racist or some stupid shit. Continue reading ‘PORTRAIT(S) OF AN EXTREMELY CRAZY PERSON, Part II: Happy shiny people.’
BALL THOUGHTS with Eddie ‘Puffin’ Cockfight #4: Strong of heart and true to her name.
By Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight
Semi-employed college football coach
During the college football season, King Cockfight has asked his much-closer-than-comfortable relative Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight to write a weekly column on the sport for his Weblog.
A former standout walk-on fullback at Jacksonville State, Puffin is head coach of the NAIA Division II Southwest New Mexico A&M Skeet-Shootin’ Owls — or, more popularly, “Skeet-Owls” for short. He is currently serving a 25-year ban from coaching at NCAA schools for recruiting violations stemming from an embarrassing incident in which he took an NCAA investigator to the same strip club in which he was (rightfully) accused of taking recruits and often their families.
With his column, Puffin hopes to regain his credibility as a coach, open conversation of a lesser sentence for his past wrongs, gain more visitation access to his eight illegitimate children, and spread awareness about the troubled and often tragic lives of men who find themselves addicted to the sight to half-nude women jiggling aimlessly to the folk-stylings of John Denver.
Take me home…
So Cousin King isn’t terribly happy with the direction of this column. He wanted this to broaden the appeal of his Webdoohickey or somethin’ and says that what I’m writin’ is “maybe a little too depraved” and “doesn’t seem to really have much to say about college football as it does about titties and. cocaine and violence and fucking.”
“I’m worried that by the time we reach the BCS title game this column is just going to be a bunch of clips of the Faces of Death movies with Tim Tebow juxtaposed underneath them,” he wrote in his e-mail and shit. “I get that exact kind of shit e-mailed to me by Uncle Carter every Sunday morning now, but I don’t put it on my Weblog.”
So I guess I can kind of see his point but I can’t help but feel a wee bit insulted: What the fuck’s so wrong with the Faces of Death movies?
I love those things! Watch ‘im on the motel pay-per-view all the time! There’s a surprising amount of time on recruitin’ trips when you’re disillusioned by your job and you don’t care about your family and shit, and when you’re used to the gals jigglin’ right in front of you on a nightly basis, porn just ain’t cuttin’ it no more.
Anyway, we’ll write on somethin’ Christian and football-like this week talkin’ about one of ‘em stories that drove me gator-fuckin’ insane last week: Why can’t Hawaii’s coach call Notre Dame faggots? Continue reading ‘BALL THOUGHTS with Eddie ‘Puffin’ Cockfight #4: Strong of heart and true to her name.’