Definition.

PRESS RELEASE

June 12, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT RELEASES FIRST TELEVISION ADVERTISEMENT, PROMISES TO RETAKE AMERICA FROM ITS INTERNAL ENEMIES

HOOVER, AL — Carter Cockfight’s anti-immigrant campaign for president has released its first ad of 2012, defining who he is as a candidate and why he is in the race.

“This advertisement demonstrates why I am a better candidate than any other,” said Carter Cockfight in a statement not-at-all written by someone else. “And unlike Barack Hussein Obama and Mitt Mexican Drug-Lord Romney, it is very evident that I am not an illegal immigrant and that I have never, ever done anything of a depraved sexual nature, making me the perfect fit to be the president who will imprison both of them permanently for treason.”

You may view the advertisement below.

Something no one else can hear.

PRESS RELEASE

June 11, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CALLS ON SCARED LIBERAL MEDIA TO FACE HIM LIKE AMERICANS, NOT HIDE FROM HIM LIKE ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISTS

HOOVER, AL — Carter Cockfight’s anti-immigrant campaign for president is calling for liberal media publishers, editors, and slave-peoples to stop running scared from his message of American freedom and meet with Carter so they can write about his campaign.

After they have failed to cover his campaign events and fresh whole hog barbecues, Carter has personally reached out to several media outlets over the past week to coax them to love their freedom and America more than illegal criminal immigrants like Barack Hussein Obama and Mitt Juarez Romney and report on his campaign.

What follows are the mostly non-fellatio related accusation text from the emails he sent to outlets including the New York Times, Washington Post, and Maxim Magazine:

Passing the blame.

PRESS RELEASE

June 6, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT DEMANDS MEDIA FINALLY SHOW RESPONSIBILITY, COVER REAL ISSUES LIKE THOSE EXCLUSIVELY POSED BY HIS CAMPAIGN

HOOVER, AL — Presidential candidate Carter Cockfight today criticized the negligence and irresponsibility of the liberal, immigrant-harboring media after they failed to report on his campaign kickoff in Hoover, Alabama yesterday.

The event, held when Galleria Mall security employees were properly paid off yesterday afternoon, attracted a significant crowd in the thirties. A fun time was had by all following a performance by anti-immigrant Christian rap group Heav-N Not 4 Every 1 played their hit “Christ Doesn’t See Brown (In His Town)” and young Antijewhitler Campbell, 8, of a survivalist camp in Northeast Alabama, won the “greased pig-migrant chase,” getting a first bite of the late pig known as Piguel at the campaign’s BBQ dinner in parking lot of a Chipotle restaurant across the street after police arrived. Additionally, all were moved—especially police who agreed that Mexicans are bad—when Carter made his stirring speech about why getting rid of all the immigrants will fix all of America’s problems.

Yet, absent from all the coverage was the liberal, white American hating media, who clearly were probably off in Massachusetts covering a gay marriage funded by food stamps between an illegal Mexican immigrant who has taken twenty American jobs and one of Barack Hussein Obama’s secret Kenyan brother.

“Clearly, The Birmingham No-News, ABC 33/Rape, and all the other liberal medias did not do their jobs yesterday,” said Dale Glucker, Carter 2012 spokesman, who is totally not quoting himself in a press release he is actually writing himself.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman is not fond of the Help America Vote Act at all.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-If you had to win an election to work on elections, you’d understand the rage: The feds have gotten a temporary restraining order against Alabama for not sending out ballots on time to overseas military voters.

Also, perhaps because Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman sent this text:

I guess she thinks that the Help America Vote Act made registration too complicated..?

Clay Scofield's interest and concurrent fear of the power of vaginas has only grown the more he has delved into the works of Judy Bloom.

-The high-profile defense lawyer who figures out how to literally jerk off during closing and not get disbarred will win the Nobel Prize: The most important advice I’ve ever received from an Alabama trial attorney is that, when you toss that chicken salad sandwich at a prosecutor in a high-profile gambling and public corruption trial, it’s that no matter how you do it, you do it with confidence…

-Meanwhile, in digital cooch-jabbin’ news: Oh snap, fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield took down a Facebook page!

Quick, Huntsville TV news!

After him!

Monday, WAAY31′s Shea Allen went from one end of Marshall County to the other searching for the senator. Finally, late Monday afternoon, Scofield granted Allen his first on camera interview since introducing the bill last week. He explained that he shut down his Facebook pages after the messages became hostile and threatening, claiming some had posted personal information, including his home address and cell phone number on the wall.

Look guys, Clay just doesn’t have the time to hang out with TV news about his Facebook since he got picked first chair for his junior high’s wind ensemble.

He has responsibilities now.

Also, he totally didn’t think people would get so emotional about this abortion junk.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama won’t jab your cooch, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with you yet.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

Having learned of the vagina's mysteries, Clay Scofield has decided to withdraw the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin' Act of 2012 for further research.

-Oh, Uncle Eagle, it turns out that fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield may be vice president yet, as he has apparently caved under pressure and plans to eliminate the cooch-jabbiness of the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.

But though the State is apparently not going to be forcing things into your vagina all willy-nilly, Clay Scofield, being Alabama’s Master of Vaginas, still has some other awful plans in mind should you and a doctor legally carry out an abortion:

It also requires the physician or technician performing the procedure to display the images and describe them to the woman, including information as to whether the fetus has died.

Physicians and technicians who failed to administer the ultrasound prior to an abortion or an attempted abortion could face up to 10 years in prison and a $15,000 fine. In addition, the law would allow the woman, the father of the fetus or the grandparents to sue the physician for “actual and punitive damages.” …

Opponents have also criticized the bill’s lack of exceptions for rape or incest; Scofield’s statement did not mention any amendments that would address those issues. The statement also did not mention any changes to the lawsuit provisions, which critics have claimed would allow a rapist to sue a doctor who aborted his victim’s baby.

Finally, a victory for the rape lobby! #RapistRightsNowYall #OpenlyRepresentedBySomeoneOtherThanAMidsizedFirmAdvertisingOnFinebaum #ItsComing

-Look, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. isn’t saying that your kids’ health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people. That’s a liberal distortion.

He’s saying that your children’s health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people and creating new State subsidies for those rich people to maybe perhaps kind of sort of create jobs at one point or another at a future point maybe.

Free market, y’all.

Bracing for embarrassment from the Alabama Legislature.

"WE SHOWED Y'ALL ORIGINAL WHITE MEXICANS!"

The Alabama Legislature opens its 2012 session today. As usual, virtually nothing of value will probably be accomplished, but people keep recommending basic competence anyway.

The only thing certain from this session is that lawmakers will put their heads together and strive as hard as they can to embarrass the lot of us through their bills, through their actions, and through their rhetoric.

But how?

Here’s some of the ways the Legislature could conceivably embarrass us this year.

The truest of lies.

PRESS RELEASE

January 31, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY DECLARES HOLY CHRISTIAN JIHAD ON WELD ‘BIRMINGHAM‘ FOR NEW COLUMN AND WEBLOG IT CLAIMS TO BE AUTHORED BY SHELBY COUNTY MAN ASSERTING HE ‘CREATED’ THE COCKFIGHT FAMILY

BURN IN HELL.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vengeful political clans, today pledged to expend its considerable resources to “burn the heart” out of the hippie, pagan lesser “publication” Weld Birmingham for its plans to publish a regular column and Weblog by a Shelby County man claiming to have “created” the Cockfight Family as some sort of wild, semifictitious political satire.

Sources have informed the Cockfight Family that their supposed creator will reveal himself in a column debuting in Weld‘s print and online editions on Thursday. The Cockfight Family’s “creator” will also begin authoring a Weblog at Weld in the immediate future.

In response, the Cockfight Family plans a public education campaign reminding Alabamians that the Family exists and controls much of their daily lives and discrediting Weld and the libelous liar claiming to have made the Family up. The Family’s Weblog will also see distinct changes to counter Weld‘s deplorably false content that will be announced in the coming days.

“These awful lies will not stand,” said King Cockfight, a Winston County political consultant who has authored the Weblog that has been considered for years to be the definitive source of the Family’s policy wishes and general goings-on.

No, really, Parker Griffith can lose.

So very butthurt. So very self-inflicted...

I don’t tell people to listen to anything involving crappy, cut-and-paste conservative talk radio ever, but listening to Parker Griffith go apeshit on Dale Jackson is way worth it.

Some highlights:

• Parker Griffith is really, really butthurt. It’s totally his fault because he was disloyal to one party (the Democrats) at the start and then switched on them as soon as he felt the district was going to bail on him, meaning everybody hates him, but it’s really this guy with a microphone’s fault AND HE CAN’T GET A REAL JOB AND THERE’S A FROST COMING AND HE’S GOING TO DIE IN IT BECAUSE HE’S A GRASSHOPPER AND YOU DIDN’T RETURN MY CALLS, DALE!
• Parker Griffith does not make good ads because he is not a career politician—he’s just a really terrible one.
• Sure, Parker Griffith has pissed people off by switching parties and being inconsistent and ineffective, but he’s real butthurt and MO BROOKS HAS NEVER HAD A REAL JOB AND Y’ALL DON’T LIKE ME AND IT AIN’T FAIR.
• Dale Jackson is a “sociopath.” Dr. Griffith, the correct term is “social parasite.” Do your research!
• People who are in the military cannot survive in the real world after they quit. (An unintentional acknowledgement of how shitty America treats its veterans.)
• “Intellectual incest”: When one idea fucks a related idea and gives someone … inherent skills?
• Parker Griffith may have said things but JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE WRITTEN DOWN DOESN’T MEAN THEY WERE TRUE YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACCOUNT OF CONTEXT DALE JUST BECAUSE A CORRECTION WASN’T PRINTED MEANS I SAID AND MEANT THAT BUT YOU HAVE A MICROPHONE AND THAT AIN’T RIGHT!
• Huntsville Hospital is out to get, Parker Griffith. Some nights the entire Radiology Department peeks into his window, wakes him up, and mouths dirty stories about his family through the glass.

Next time he is on the show, Parker will end his interview by telling Dale that they should be together.

The gift that keeps on giving it to you.

Steve Windom filled this jug just for you.

With Christmas and other holidays that Alabama’s Governor may or may not acknowledge here, you may be scrambling for that perfect gift for that family member, special someone, or New Zealander lesbian baby momma.

Here’s a few Alabama politics-themed gift ideas that will really put the “Y’all all going to Hell when you die!” back in your holiday season.

THE ALABAMA COLORING BOOK: The replacements.

Each week King Cockfight will channel his years of occasionally sober political consulting expertise into assembling the hottest questions and views that Alabamian and lesser-American political leaders will face in the coming week into a helpful digest written simply enough that even the most pitiful of lessers who believe themselves to be political wonks can read it and be enlightened as they continue to live out unremarkable, unfulfilling lives.

Enjoy! 

YES: With Jefferson County now in bankruptcy, can its residents’ lives actually suck harder?

Not likely: After Gov. Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. derided Jefferson County leaders for not showing leadership in disarming the debt crisis, can a pot find a kettle dark enough to adequately point out its also blackness?

A horrifying oversight: By racially profiling gradeschoolers who look Hispanic, are Alabama’s teachers and administrators dangerously overlooking the kids who look “kind of Hispanic”?

Tsunami, dragon attack, Super-AIDS outbreak?: Which horrific disaster will Lieutenant Governor Kay Ivey cause in her trade mission to Taiwan, then blame on the Giant Economy Monster?

Gauntlet tossed: With Penn State students rioting over the firing of an eightysomething sort-of for ignoring years of child rape in his locker room, can Alabama and Auburn fans come up with something totally fucking retarded enough to re-establish themselves as the most disastrously myopic fanbases in sports?