ELECTION MORNING READING: ‘THINGS AIN’T HORSEY-JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.

Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.

-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.

Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.

…

Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?

Goddammit.

-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.

I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.

I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

Bad things are going to start happening soon.

Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…

-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.

But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.

In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side  of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.

As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.

And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.

No one, dammit.

BETTERS’ READING: We got sweet, sweet corrupt influence, y’all.

Things people better than you have been reading.

-It was a great week without you lesser losers, last week. While you were busy listening to that whore dolphin Cal Alabaster Jr.’s ramblings about who is important in Alabama, the bingo trials ended without one damn conviction and the Republican presidential candidates started courting power brokers such as ourselves to secure them a victory in tomorrow’s primaries.

So, from the bottom of my sphincter, fuck you all. We’re in charge, and don’t you forget it.

-Speaking of the bingo trial, the prosecution’s ultimate failing was walking up to the blurry line between transactional politics and straight-up bribery and just hanging out there. One can only hope that the Supreme Court will take up Don Siegelman’s appeal and determine what is and is not a bribe, so that America can finally understand in some tiny way what it means to have Alabama’s political shame define them all.

-An aging Alabama population needs an immigrant slave-class to keep them afloat? Sounds like it’s time to return to greatness.

-This hasn’t been an easy Douche-Belt re-election campaign for Spencer Bachus. He’s actually had to campaign and everything. Meanwhile, Scott Beason can count to ten and has played the board game Monopoly.

-Your morning lies at Weld: Christ frequently visits the Alabama Senate—his name is Hank Sanders. Gay contraception and forced federal grandmother AIDS infection must stop now.

UPDATED: Scott Beason may have actually thought about attempting campaigning this cycle. Maybe.

"Fart. Fart. Fart. I like writing 'fart.' Fart. Fart. Fart."

UPDATED 1 p.m.: Beason’s campaign has officially posted up these ads, and I have hopefully resolved any problems with the videos embedded below. The ads are still terrible.

Jim over at This Is Alabama has done the unthinkable and actually unearthed evidence that Scott Beason is campaigning in the form of two ads that do not appear to have gotten any actual TV play in Alabama’s Douche-Belt:

Jim makes a decent case for Beason making it into a runoff with “White Mexican” Spencer Bachus even despite his invisible campaign thanks to a crowded primary. On that point, I’d even speculate that Beason may think he’s doing a decent job on the ground—something that it isn’t always apparent but is just effective in getting you a position to win via a runoff (See Gov. Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr., 2010 GOP gubernatorial primary). And if Beason wanted to sit on these ads and avoid rolling out a fuller campaign until a runoff—presumably at a time when he will have raised enough money to compete with Bachus’ $1 million war chest—that would be shockingly logical.

Even still, these ads are freakin’ terrible.

BETTERS’ READING: Scott Beason sucks so very hard at this.

On the radio.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Scott Beason has been beaten to the television airwaves thus far in the race for Alabama’s Douche-Belt by both Spencer Bachus (twice) and Blount County Four-Wheeler Guy.

And he’s responded by… putting out a radio ad.

That ad doesn’t even mention the immigration law he co-sponsored and became the face of, which, despite all its infinite wrongness, is the thing upon which he logically should build his campaign, being that its a popular measure among members of his party and all. Well, that and Bachus’ insider trading, but he clearly doesn’t understand that as a concept.

But no, his first radio ad’s mostly anonymous soft anti-Obama gumbly mush. Which, barring him being the best in-person campaigner ever (he’s not), means he could reasonably put up a sub-13% finish in this race, despite all the bluster going into this bid.

Which, FYI, is why you don’t start a congressional campaign two months or so before election day, by the by. You can have all the potential in the world and build something that looks so nice on paper, but if you don’t have a plan to go with it, well, you’re done.

-I, for one, look forward to the passage of the Alabama “DON’T LOCK GRANNY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHED SO YOU CAN MAKE METH YOU ASSHOLE DRUG-DEALING SCUM” Act of 2012.

-Look, if you don’t like red-light cameras ticketing your worthless ass, then don’t run fucking red lights.

We don’t need to get rid of red-light camera ticketing until we have “uniform standards,” we already have them: It’s called “Don’t run the fucking red light, asshole.”

Shit, son.

-Hey, where’s the tax incentives for Alabama’s burgeoning pornographic film industry based in Tuscumbia?

As much as Sheffield Stumpy works on her hands and nubs day-in and day-out, don’t you think she deserves a little kickback from the State government?

-Let us buy big alcohol containers for Christ’s sake.

We have to live here.

-Most shocking in this story about a Georgia judge inappropriately pulling a gun in court: That a prosecutor actually told the judge that he was wrong for inappropriately pulling a gun in court.

Counselor, them’s some balls.

-Lies at Weld: Rick Klantorum is not going to be happy about such an unflattering photo, but the chasm at the bottom of the Cahaba sounds like a fine addition of failure to Alabama Adventure. Also: Who hasn’t had a cactus forced by the State into their vaginas? Am I right, ladies?

BETTERS’ READING 2012-2-13: Quid pro no.

"I'll show you what a bribe is!"

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-If heard by the Supreme Court, the appeal of the conviction of former Governor Don Siegelman, the poor victim of a Republican conspiracy to convict corrupt Democrats of corruption, could determine what legally constitutes a political bribe in the United States.

As far as political legacies go for Governors, that is less than ideal.

-A group of hackers got into Mobile’s systems because Alabama has changed its law to show that it doesn’t like immigrants very much and were shocked that the city’s protection of the sensitive data it gathers about its residents is horribly unsecured.

For the technically uninclined: Yes, when a group of anonymous hackers let you know that they find breaking into your computer and stealing your personal information way too easy, it is a really, really bad thing.

But we’re sure that the three people who know anything about computers in Alabama government will hop right on that as soon as they figure out where they keep all the yogurt at Yogurt Mountain.

-Your latest update on why Cal Alabaster Jr. is a lying, dead whore: Publishing a photo of El Hubbardo is the surest way to invoke his wrath! And if physicists are going to debate whether the Alabama Democratic Party is a continuing phenomenon, they certainly wouldn’t do it in Auburn, would they?!

-Artur Davis has become a parody of Artur Davis. Though I guess depending on the method chosen to inflict it, butthurt can be paired naturally with Santorum.

-I can’t believe anyone would associate anything done by Robert Bentley with immediate, abject failure.

WE’VE AD ENOUGH 2012: Bamboozled.

An exclusive first look at the first print ads for Spencer Bachus' re-election campaign.

It’s hard to tell sometimes if Alabama’s politicians are really that stupid — well… okay, they are.

But you know who’s usually stupider? The people who make the candidates’ election year ads.

Over the weekend, Congressman Spencer Bachus made the first ad buy of the cycle in the race for the Sixth Congressional District. Below we take a look at what dry, cut-and-paste message he sent in the thirty seconds he purchased to tell why he should remain the representative of Alabama’s Douche-Belt.

::Your wall bursts apart and crumbles, from the heap arises a loud and profane Scott Beason…::

WOOOO SHIT!

Lines in the skies.

A Pate for Congress ad seen flying at last week's AFC Title Game in Foxboro, Massachusetts.

We may have finally found the vengeance-based reason Stan Pate is running for the Sixth Congressional District Republican nomination: He won’t be able to vote in AL-06 anymore because of redistricting.

Technically Pate now has to vote in AL-07, where he would run and all if he was, you know, a black person since that has to be their district and all. And by their, we mean “Democrats.”

Since Pate has yet to put up a campaign website of any kind yet, the only way to know for sure that this is the reason he is in the race is to mind the skies at the Senior Bowl this weekend.

THE COCKFIGHT CANDIDATE PROSPECTUS 2012: The Republican race for Alabama’s Sixth Congressional District — ‘The Douche-Belt’

Alabama's Douche-Belt.

As a public service to the lessers, who only know and do what the Cockfight Family tells them anyway, the Family has decided to share excerpts from its election-year candidate prospectus—a service that has been enjoyed by Southern politicos for a number of years.

Today, due to the attention the media is giving to the crowded Sixth Congressional District Republican Primary, the Cockfight Family shares its preview of that race, listing the advantages and disadvantages each candidate faces as well as the disadvantages articulated by a hilariously prolific part of the conversation in this race, conservative talk radio callers who actually think their opinion matters in the race for what has become termed Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”

We would share our preview of the race for the Democratic nomination for the seat, but we’re told the photo we picked out of a mutilated goat is too graphic for mass public consumption.

When drawing Alabama’s Sixth Congressional District in the early 1990s, lawmakers had a distinct problem: They needed not only a district that reflected the greater Birmingham area, but one where not so many poor and black people—who the federal government cruelly forced the State to allow to vote in congressional elections—would interfere with the election of the type of candidate they would prefer to see hold a Birmingham-area seat—i.e. a White Old-School Alabama Democrat.

They still found it so unbearable to allow black people to have a majority district that eventually a federal court had to draw a district that squeezes as much poverty and non-whiteness out of the Alabama Sixth as possible, but fits in a critical mass of Birmingham’s white-flight suburbs—an area where 82.1% of the population is white and 54.5% has an income of more than $50,000. Geographically, the result is a district that looks quite appropriately like a belt squeezing the less desirables of the region into clenched submission. Politically, the district has produced by far the douchiest of Alabama’s congressional delegation. Thus, as the area to the west of the district contains much of what has came to be called Alabama’s Black Belt—where the soil is dark and so are many of the people who were originally brought there to work it—the Sixth Congressional District has come to be affectionately known as Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”

This year’s Republican congressional primary, however, shows that the Douche-Belt is going through a period of great douche-y upheaval. The congressional douche that has come to represent that for which the Douche-Belt stands may not be the douche that the Douche-Belt wants anymore, as a mighty young douche has emerged to challenge him.

Yet, a crowded race may mean that this new douche’s anointment as Alabama’s Douchiest Douche of Them All may not happen as a well-stocked war chest and old loyalties give the incumbent douche a palpable douchevantage in The Race for the Douche-Belt…