Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.
-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.
Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?
-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.
I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.
I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.
Bad things are going to start happening soon.
Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…
-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.
But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.
In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.
As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.
And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.
No one, dammit.