BETTERS’ READING: Alabama sez, ‘We’d like more immigrants taken care of before we get married and teach no sex.’

Roger Bedford is really sorry about what he did. He just was out of it and he couldn't really see how bad his actions were going to be toward him and his colleagues. Also, he probably shouldn't have introduced that recall bill. His bad.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A majority of Alabamians support HB56, but they also want to see changes to the state’s harsh immigration law.

Unfortunately for opponents of the bill, those changes they want to see?

More dead Mexicans.

-Hi bill sponsored by Sen. Roger “Blindy McCorruptnuts” Bedford that would allow elected officials to be recalled in Alabama clearing a Senate committee!

Bye bill that would allow elected officials to be recalled after Bedford realizes what he has done!

-All Roy Moore news is associated with Lassie because I imagine this is what talking to him is like these days:

Judge “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” says he is not worried about an independent candidate joining as a sane alternative in the race for chief justice.

That’s because he’s so fucking out of his gourd he wouldn’t notice anyway.

BETTERS’ READING: It’s too late for Alabamians to not learn how to spell ‘Lassie for Chief Jurstice.’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading this morning.

-Sorry y’all that wanted to field your own independent chief justice candidate as an alternative to Democrat Chocolate Genocide and Republican Judge THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE: Turns out the deadline passed last week by the time the voting counting was done.

But you can still write in “Poop” to the same effect as voting for either Roy Moore or Harry Lyon come this November.

-Alabama got a C- for government corruption in a new study.

Clearly, this is something we need to fix here.

As the Cockfight Family has regularly pointed out, graft is a key part of the State’s economy.

Let’s turn government into even more of a no-legged whore for our government leaders and the special interests who pay them’s casual fucking needs.

Do it for the children.

BETTERS’ READING: You could’ve had it so good, and you don’t even know.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Happy Milton McGregor Monday morning, lessers:

-People ask me: Why does the Cockfight Family hate Huntsville so much?

Well, other than the fact that we don’t like malls, cock rock, carpetbaggers with false senses of superiority, and Olive Garden, this is why.

You see, we offered to step in and save their pitiful little “Space City” theme park with a few changes that would have turned into an amusement park honoring Alabama’s greatest political family—us.

There would have been a “Roller Coaster Back to Slavery,” a “Small World” ride where you go through Hell to see the reforms Oglethorpe Cockfight has installed since fighting the Devil and becoming Infernal King (it’s what he believed when he died), and log ride that symbolized how efforts by the lessers to climb to where the Cockfights are and always shall be futilely results in the lessers falling down steeply and being splashed by a pit of likely urine-filled water.

But no, they wanted it to all be about some sort of spaceman who would drink his whore orange fruit drink and then sodomize them on the moon while driving a go-kart.

Fuck you, Huntsville.

You could had yours. And now all you get is an abandoned stump of a 1960s space-age theme park half between Madison and half between Huntsville.

Oh, and NASA and the military too.

If you’re into goofy-assed rockets and shit that flies.

Like the unemployed.

-Alabama political insiders are discussing putting forward an independent alternative to Roy “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” Moore and Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon.

Look guys, I’m available, but if you want a more bankable and interested candidate in Alabama, I think we all know about who I am talking:

And since Drayton Nabers was chief justice a few years ago, it wouldn’t be the first time a very friendly, clever collie who still thinks it’s the 1950′s was atop Alabama’s courts.

BETTERS’ READING: Oh God, what have you done, Alabama?

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Roy Moore’s back.

And when you read that fawning Daily Caller piece, you know how this is going to go.

Things ain’t Jesus like they used to be.

And we dare make this into some sort of libertarian battle even though it is the complete opposite of such.

Even though Republicans, Democrats, and everybody with a brain here are embarrassed to hell and back this morning.

-Meanwhile, meet Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon, the Democratic challenger Moore will surely thump to hell this fall—perhaps literally.

Mr. Lyon, however, says that reports of him being a chocolate-pouring vandal who is into killing illegal immigrants are totally false:

The fantasy story about me is totally false and only the most gullible of readers will take it seriously. It is true I was shot in the neck by a neighbor who I found out was selling illegal drugs to minors in the neighborhood and when I confronted him about it, he shot me in the neck and tried to justify it by pouring syrup on his freind’s car and was indicted by a Shelby County Grand Jury for attempted murder. After being aquitted due to an incompetent state prosecutor, he was found dead in his front yard from an apparent drug overdose. Being in intensive care for approximately one month with both my vocal cords shot out and being unable to speak, others believed Mr. Black’s story and hence the satirical article written by “anonymous”.

All right.

After posting his phone number, he then adds this:

The statements I made about the illegal immigration issue were facetious but Alabama’s newspaper writers aren’t the brightest lightbulbs in the factory, especially those who write for the Montgomery Advertiser.

Sure, obviously, you want to joke about killing people and committing genocide when you run for office. Stupid media for not getting the joke!

And I’m sure that whole “They gonna blow up the Galleria” thing was just a joke too and not at all inappropriate to say on television when running for governor.

Oh, and he is guaranteeing his election.

Mr. Moore has no chance of winning the November 6th General Election as I received over a million votes in a failed bid for a seat on the Alabama Supreme Court while Moore received 266,000 votes last night.

Clearly, both of those conditions will be duplicated on November 6.

BETTERS’ READING: We got sweet, sweet corrupt influence, y’all.

Things people better than you have been reading.

-It was a great week without you lesser losers, last week. While you were busy listening to that whore dolphin Cal Alabaster Jr.’s ramblings about who is important in Alabama, the bingo trials ended without one damn conviction and the Republican presidential candidates started courting power brokers such as ourselves to secure them a victory in tomorrow’s primaries.

So, from the bottom of my sphincter, fuck you all. We’re in charge, and don’t you forget it.

-Speaking of the bingo trial, the prosecution’s ultimate failing was walking up to the blurry line between transactional politics and straight-up bribery and just hanging out there. One can only hope that the Supreme Court will take up Don Siegelman’s appeal and determine what is and is not a bribe, so that America can finally understand in some tiny way what it means to have Alabama’s political shame define them all.

-An aging Alabama population needs an immigrant slave-class to keep them afloat? Sounds like it’s time to return to greatness.

-This hasn’t been an easy Douche-Belt re-election campaign for Spencer Bachus. He’s actually had to campaign and everything. Meanwhile, Scott Beason can count to ten and has played the board game Monopoly.

-Your morning lies at Weld: Christ frequently visits the Alabama Senate—his name is Hank Sanders. Gay contraception and forced federal grandmother AIDS infection must stop now.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman is not fond of the Help America Vote Act at all.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-If you had to win an election to work on elections, you’d understand the rage: The feds have gotten a temporary restraining order against Alabama for not sending out ballots on time to overseas military voters.

Also, perhaps because Alabama Secretary of State Beth Chapman sent this text:

I guess she thinks that the Help America Vote Act made registration too complicated..?

Clay Scofield's interest and concurrent fear of the power of vaginas has only grown the more he has delved into the works of Judy Bloom.

-The high-profile defense lawyer who figures out how to literally jerk off during closing and not get disbarred will win the Nobel Prize: The most important advice I’ve ever received from an Alabama trial attorney is that, when you toss that chicken salad sandwich at a prosecutor in a high-profile gambling and public corruption trial, it’s that no matter how you do it, you do it with confidence…

-Meanwhile, in digital cooch-jabbin’ news: Oh snap, fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield took down a Facebook page!

Quick, Huntsville TV news!

After him!

Monday, WAAY31′s Shea Allen went from one end of Marshall County to the other searching for the senator. Finally, late Monday afternoon, Scofield granted Allen his first on camera interview since introducing the bill last week. He explained that he shut down his Facebook pages after the messages became hostile and threatening, claiming some had posted personal information, including his home address and cell phone number on the wall.

Look guys, Clay just doesn’t have the time to hang out with TV news about his Facebook since he got picked first chair for his junior high’s wind ensemble.

He has responsibilities now.

Also, he totally didn’t think people would get so emotional about this abortion junk.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama won’t jab your cooch, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with you yet.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

Having learned of the vagina's mysteries, Clay Scofield has decided to withdraw the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin' Act of 2012 for further research.

-Oh, Uncle Eagle, it turns out that fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield may be vice president yet, as he has apparently caved under pressure and plans to eliminate the cooch-jabbiness of the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.

But though the State is apparently not going to be forcing things into your vagina all willy-nilly, Clay Scofield, being Alabama’s Master of Vaginas, still has some other awful plans in mind should you and a doctor legally carry out an abortion:

It also requires the physician or technician performing the procedure to display the images and describe them to the woman, including information as to whether the fetus has died.

Physicians and technicians who failed to administer the ultrasound prior to an abortion or an attempted abortion could face up to 10 years in prison and a $15,000 fine. In addition, the law would allow the woman, the father of the fetus or the grandparents to sue the physician for “actual and punitive damages.” …

Opponents have also criticized the bill’s lack of exceptions for rape or incest; Scofield’s statement did not mention any amendments that would address those issues. The statement also did not mention any changes to the lawsuit provisions, which critics have claimed would allow a rapist to sue a doctor who aborted his victim’s baby.

Finally, a victory for the rape lobby! #RapistRightsNowYall #OpenlyRepresentedBySomeoneOtherThanAMidsizedFirmAdvertisingOnFinebaum #ItsComing

-Look, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. isn’t saying that your kids’ health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people. That’s a liberal distortion.

He’s saying that your children’s health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people and creating new State subsidies for those rich people to maybe perhaps kind of sort of create jobs at one point or another at a future point maybe.

Free market, y’all.

BETTERS’ READING: Scott Beason sucks so very hard at this.

On the radio.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Scott Beason has been beaten to the television airwaves thus far in the race for Alabama’s Douche-Belt by both Spencer Bachus (twice) and Blount County Four-Wheeler Guy.

And he’s responded by… putting out a radio ad.

That ad doesn’t even mention the immigration law he co-sponsored and became the face of, which, despite all its infinite wrongness, is the thing upon which he logically should build his campaign, being that its a popular measure among members of his party and all. Well, that and Bachus’ insider trading, but he clearly doesn’t understand that as a concept.

But no, his first radio ad’s mostly anonymous soft anti-Obama gumbly mush. Which, barring him being the best in-person campaigner ever (he’s not), means he could reasonably put up a sub-13% finish in this race, despite all the bluster going into this bid.

Which, FYI, is why you don’t start a congressional campaign two months or so before election day, by the by. You can have all the potential in the world and build something that looks so nice on paper, but if you don’t have a plan to go with it, well, you’re done.

-I, for one, look forward to the passage of the Alabama “DON’T LOCK GRANNY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHED SO YOU CAN MAKE METH YOU ASSHOLE DRUG-DEALING SCUM” Act of 2012.

-Look, if you don’t like red-light cameras ticketing your worthless ass, then don’t run fucking red lights.

We don’t need to get rid of red-light camera ticketing until we have “uniform standards,” we already have them: It’s called “Don’t run the fucking red light, asshole.”

Shit, son.

-Hey, where’s the tax incentives for Alabama’s burgeoning pornographic film industry based in Tuscumbia?

As much as Sheffield Stumpy works on her hands and nubs day-in and day-out, don’t you think she deserves a little kickback from the State government?

-Let us buy big alcohol containers for Christ’s sake.

We have to live here.

-Most shocking in this story about a Georgia judge inappropriately pulling a gun in court: That a prosecutor actually told the judge that he was wrong for inappropriately pulling a gun in court.

Counselor, them’s some balls.

-Lies at Weld: Rick Klantorum is not going to be happy about such an unflattering photo, but the chasm at the bottom of the Cahaba sounds like a fine addition of failure to Alabama Adventure. Also: Who hasn’t had a cactus forced by the State into their vaginas? Am I right, ladies?

BETTERS’ READING: None of y’all give Robert Bentley the full Republican boner that he enjoys having for his party’s presidential candidate.

Just can't full conservative wood for Mitt Romney.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Even after seeing Rick Santorum’s “Obama’s a secret Muslim I mean why don’t y’all care about how Obama used religion to justify taxes more?!” bikini shoot over the past week, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. tells the Mobile Press-Register that he is “not excited” by the GOP field.

And since pending the fifty bazillion primaries ahead of it, Alabama’s presidential primary could actually matter for once when it happens next month, that’s not encouraging for the GOP field.

How bad? Here’s a short and completely unfair list of things that do excite Bent-Dog:

• The “gawdy color” of black-and-white newspaper pages.
• A dog crossing the street without asking permission of the adjoining property owners and/or faxing a short letter of notice to the governmental entity responsible for upkeep of the right-of-way.
• The “pornographic” entry on grass on Wikipedia.

Of course, one might also presume that Governor Bentley Dr. might be more inclined to support a candidate who reminds him of a certain someone whose name rhymes with Fuckabee and that his lack of excitement for the contenders left in the race.

Or maybe he’s just holding out on thrusting his throbbing and unconditional GOP support to the ultimate and unstoppable Republican ticket that will be negotiated at the convention this summer. #PawlentyBarbour2012 #AGiantPussyandSlaveOwnerForAmerica

BETTERS’ READING: My scary vagina burns with the pain of an awful Monday.

Tom Parker is willing to write for hundreds of pages about his fear of vaginas and the things that can happen there.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-The New York Times gives a nice gauge of how totally fucked Jefferson County is. In response, Senator Arthur Orr of Decatur has called for an end to all taxes or revenue of any sort in Jefferson County in hopes that if the State looks away from Jefferson County and acts like partisan, blind shitheads for long enough, the problem will just go away.

-Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is so conservative that he often literally cannot be moved. In fact, some of his Republican colleagues on the Court donated to a Democratic opponent in 2010 to try to get his lazy ass off the bench so they wouldn’t have to pick up his workload.

But you give him a case where he can spew out some bullshit about long-settled issues pertaining to abortion, America’s favorite time-waster of a political issue, and shit, he’ll do bullshit jumping jacks for you all the live long day.

All fucking day long.

-When the economy crashed into the worst state it has been in since 2008, it made us all focus on what was important—substantive issues that have frankly wedged us further apart, but have at least focused more on the things that government can honestly control and affect. Democratic leaders focused on adding another layer in the social safety net with healthcare reform. Republican leaders sought to lessen government spending so that our country would not be crippled by insurmountable debt.

Then, one little administrative dispute over birth control later, America’s political focus has shifted back to the one issue where its guiders think it belongs—the one issue that we can’t seem to get over:

Vaginas are really scary, y’all.

Real, real scary.

-THE JESUS BABIES WON’T KILL EACH OTHER IF THEY WEAR THE PANTS RIGHT!