WHAT! WHAT!
State Treasurer and DefJam accounting artist Young Boozer, or Yo-Bo to the ladies (and by “ladies” we mean his wife), appears in a new (unembeddable) ad to promote Alabama’s CollegeCounts 529 college savings plan. He has happily shared a second-by-second commentary for the commercial with King Cockfight.
Steve Windom filled this jug just for you.
With Christmas and other holidays that Alabama’s Governor may or may not acknowledge here, you may be scrambling for that perfect gift for that family member, special someone, or New Zealander lesbian baby momma.
Here’s a few Alabama politics-themed gift ideas that will really put the “Y’all all going to Hell when you die!” back in your holiday season. Continue reading
So Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley thinks that he can get off without talking about his ties to AEA, a traditionally evil Democratically-aligned group that has donated to Sparks but, um, put more effort into Bentley than REAL AMERICAN Ron Sparks?
So Dr. Dr. Bentley thinks he can go all Super-Anti-Gambling because of a few bullshit indictments of people who were caught doing illegal things on tape and just walk away with this gubernatorial race?
Well, The Sparkster has thing or two to say about that, brother…
So how you doing there, Ron Sparks?
I hear the entire thing you built your campaign around has led to several indictments of state officials in a public corruption scandal.
Bummer, dude.
Well, I know you’ve got this all under control big guy, but just to help out, I made an ad for you.
I’m sure it will go a long way:
It’s hard to tell sometimes if Alabama’s politicians are really that stupid — well… okay, they are.
But you know who’s usually stupider? The people who make the candidates’ election year ads.
Today, we take a look at some ads being ran by Alabama House Majority Leader Ken Guin’s re-election campaign…
Without an explicit douchebag to vote against, Alabama Congressional District Five is probably really confusing to North Alabama people. And without a runoff to keep the memory fresh, Huntsville people specifically have likely replaced any understanding of the race in their minds by memorizing Olive Garden menus, continuing to embrace their unquenchable need to buy things, and lusty thoughts about Jerry Hayes’ mustache.
So how do you catch them up and get them ready for the fall?
Today I submit an explanation of the race for voters through the one thing that people in North Alabama know better than anything else: Mountain Dew, or more specifically, this summer’s Mountain Dew “Dewmocracy” challenge.
Some thoughts on the Republican gubernatorial runoff, now that I’ve had plenty of time to digest it.
But first, a preview of this fall:
Let’s not give AEA too much credit.
Unh! Paul Hubbert spent lots of money on stuff! He doesn’t like Bradley Byrne! He sacrificed puppies and fed demons the souls of young calves to ensure that Byrne wouldn’t win despite him being anointed by Jesus to be Alabama’s Next Christian White Republican Governor! Unh!
And yes, Hubbert did admit AEA threw in an awful lot of cash (and he is now bragging about it) because Byrne was an idiot and started screaming in January about how he was going to gut the Dark Lord of the Teachers in the street on his inauguration day, which shouldn’t have been a surprise, primarily because if someone says they’re going to gut you in the street several months from now, you typically at least buy a knife-resistant vest and perhaps even dare to try to take them out before they take you out.
But I think to some extent the AEA’s influence is a bit exaggerated as cover by the Republicans who got behind Byrne for how badly Byrne fucked things up by running a sloppy if not outright incompetent campaign.
Again: I think if Byrne had made it, he could have easily gotten beaten by Ron Sparks in November without a major change in course.
Ron Sparks.
Moving on.
We’re feeling a little drained after a long primary season, so we’ll be taking it light for most of the rest of the month. Tweeting shall continue mostly uninterrupted.
We’ll post as needed — say, if someone does something stupid (Looking at you, Kay Ivey), or just if someone needs to observe that Tim James is a dick¹ or that he and Bradley Byrne’s feud has riled up a bunch of pent-up White Republican sexual tension that just needs to be released² – but other than that we’ll be taking it easy, learning to be one with the surfing alpacas, and brewing new and horrible things to say about Alabama and Southern politics when normal posting resumes on June 28.
Until then, it’s time again for a few suggestions of what you can do in our absence:
The primary has been over – or at least kind of over — for nearly a week now.
But with its climax comes the end of our time — for now — with several dear friends. Here’s a look at what their futures have in store:
In no particular order:
“I CARES ABOUT VOTING! WHY AREN’T PEOPLES VOTING?!”
People will be complaining all day about voter turnout. Turnout is usually anemic during primaries. Yes, people all across the country have been talking about our primaries. They don’t live here. They haven’t moved here. And if they did, they probably wouldn’t have gotten here in time to vote.
I’m thinking that turnout will improve as the day goes on — the lines always seem longer near the end of the day when I usually drag myself away from my tacos and my Battlestar Galactica DVDs — but if it doesn’t, blame Memorial Day.
“Yeah, I should go and vote but … I was off yesterday.”
Also keep in mind that 70%¹ of Alabamians don’t know that a primary is going on or that they can vote in it — regardless of the fact that there have been goddamned ads on every five minutes since January. Of that number, 30% think that the federal government requires them to eat a ferret to vote in an open primary if they’re not a self-identifying Democrat or Republican.
It’s just part of their unconstitutional tyranny. Along with the “having to pay taxes” part.
Don’t be surprised if Artur Davis loses and it’s because of the black vote.
All Alabama voters are wary of progress, no matter how historic and important that progress is to them. Wariness over Davis being a bit of a political outsider in Alabama is why the black Democratic leadership and the Democratic establishment haven’t gotten behind him — all part of the Alabama Democratic Party’s ongoing promise to voters: “Yeah, we’re the progressive, working class, and black people party, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of us trying to keep the political machine that locked down this State politically until the eighties on life support. We like having money and jobs, assholes.”
