Special sauce.

PRESS RELEASE

September 8, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘HELPS’ SUPPORT DELICIOUS GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE’S ASPIRATIONS

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and hungriest political clans, today formally announced it would help provide exposure to a bright, young Democratic candidate for governor: The Six Dollar Burger from Hardee’s.

The Six Dollar Burger, first contacted by the Legislative Black Caucus as they desperately searched for a non-black candidate earlier this year, has decided to enter the race as a dark horse candidate who promises “CHANGE that’s cheaper than Alabama thinks.”

No, they’re not funny anymore.

THINGS AIN'T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!

Look, Alabama press.

Look.

We know it’s awesome and all that Chuck Norris decided it would be fun to take a victory lap endorsement of Roy Moore last week — ’cause, you know, he already did this nearly three months ago — but we don’t need 377 articles starting or ending with Chuck Norris fact jokes from, like, two or three years ago:

‘Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship.’

That tidbit comes from chucknorrisfacts.com, a Web site filled with farfetched claims about Chuck Norris , the former star of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’

Norris recently gave his stamp of approval to Roy Moore , endorsing the former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court in his 2010 bid for governor.

See? See? See?

I know grandpa in Theodore needs some information to try to understand what these doggone kids and their jokes about aging karate stars and what it has to do with Captain “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” but some of us are pretty worn out with this vintage Internet humor.

Now, if someone — be it a newspaper columnist or a Weblogger — were to make a deadpan list of Chuck Norris-like facts about Roy Moore, such as:

Belligerent bayside press plans attack on black congressman/alleged gubernatorial candidate, things ensue.

From Twitter, which my dad is still working hard at making less gay:

JDCrowetoons Editorial board meeting w/ @ArturDavis in a few. @Georgetalbot will hold him down while I draw him.

georgetalbot He’s a quick ‘un.

Meanwhile, Bill Johnson had one of his arms broken Tuesday struggling while police removed him form the offices of the The Daily Sentinel after he forcibly sought an interview from its editorial board.

They got plenty of other things to worry about than some whacko who thinks he’s a real candidate for Governor in Jackson County, son.

GUBERNATORIAL POWER RANKINGS, Volume 1: Riding these horseys is oh-so-very-much fun.

August 17, 2009

The J. Eagle Cockfight Company is proud to present the first in its semi-regular series of “power rankings” of Alabama’s 2010 gubernatorial candidates. These rankings are offered more than a year in advance of the 2010 General Election — the earliest they’ve ever been released –  in response to the State’s press’ continued breathless coverage of allegedly important early campaign functions, such as the one a few weeks ago where the candidates told people with money things they wanted to here in hopes they would share some of the aforementioned money with them.

These rankings show where candidates from both major parties likely stand in winning their party’s nominations and subsequently who is likely to win a General Election matchup between candidates of equal ranking on the list. Because of a shortage of viable Democratic candidates compared to a crowded Republican field, a handful of “potential” hopefuls have been added to fill out the rankings.

These rankings were determined by J. Eagle Cockfight II, a conservative lobbyist and longtime GOP operative who served in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, and his nephew King A. Cockfight, a “semi-prominent” Alabama political Weblogger and on-again, off-again political consultant whose Georgetown education and experience in the Clinton White House at an extremely young age remains one of the Cockfight Family’s greatest sources of pride and whose subsequent dropoff in motivation and casual substance abuse remains one of its greatest sources of fear and shame.

It’s a celebration.

Last week the Legislature decided that really is nice having a Jefferson County and approved a new occupational tax to inject new revenue into the struggling county government to put a few of the signs of impending financial Armageddon in the bottle.

While there were some dangerous provisions for on down the line in the legislation, and there could be litigation challenging  its constitutionality by one of America’s richest human resources — well-moneyed assholes who don’t want to pay anything except an attorney — it looks like, for the moment, the county’s financial crisis is much more manageable than it was a week ago.

How are JeffCo’s people and leaders marking the good news?

• Struggling with newfound addiction to crack. 

Shelia Smoot counters empty political rhetoric with louder empty political rhetoric.

The evil pagan gay liberals at Left in  Alabama posted this video of Jefferson County Commissioner Shelia Smoot, who is running for the Earl Hilliard Memorial Congressional  Seat being vacated by Congressman Artur “Harvard Boy” Davis so he can run for Black Governor.

Since most of us don’t speak Inaudiblese, them dirty liberals also posted a transcript:

When someone asks for your support, you need to look that candidate square in the eye and ask them: “What are you going to do with my support and my vote?”…

There’s a lot of stories out there, but when someone asks you for your vote, you have to make sure that they know what your family needs, and what the great state of Alabama needs. We need a lot!

You need someone who can get on the ground and who can work hard and not be turned around and that’s who I am.

Vote for Shelia Smoot. I’m on your side.

Okay, I think the video where sound was so screwed up that I couldn’t understand had a clearer and better point.

But I love her campaign slogan! It’s so… familiar…

PORTRAIT(S) OF AN EXTREMELY CRAZY PERSON, Part II: Happy shiny people.

"Follow the road. FOLLOW IT."

In light of the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind has assembled a series of short profiles on the 47 recorded multiple personalities of Republican Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Sotomayor’s chief opposition interrogator with a Southern accent.

The first part of this series can be found here.

As should be noted in any Weblog posting about its research, most of The Society’s records are from drunken conversations by Cockfight Family members and likely should not be considered as fact.

Unless you think “empathy” means racist or some stupid shit.

PORTRAIT(S) OF AN EXTREMELY CRAZY PERSON, Part I: My God, a senator!

He hears a lot of things with them ears.

In light of the confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind has assembled a series of short profiles on the multiple personalities of Republican Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III, Sotomayor’s chief opposition interrogator with a Southern accent.

As should be noted in any Weblog posting about its research, most of The Society’s records are from drunken conversations by Cockfight Family members and likely should not be considered as fact.

Unless you’re just that high.

Okay, that’s better.

Patti Lambert, founder of Save Alabama PACT!*, in Sunday’s TimesDaily:

[Lambert] said many people in her organization say they will make decisions at the ballot box in 2010 based on candidate responses to questions on PACT.

Lambert’s question: ‘If you take 48,000 PACT contracts and multiply that number by 20, a conservative number of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins  — all responsible adult family members who always vote — what do you get?’

Her answer: ‘You’ve got Alabama’s third political party. Do the math.’

“Third political party”? No, that’s retarded.

Evaluating the lease.

Guest post by J. Eagle Cockfight II
Semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist

Well now, color me incorrect.

Like many of my fellow Republicans, I am sad to see that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is another leader who is too weak to not succumb to deception instead of having a healthy, committed marriage and family. Why he was so weak-kneed about fighting Socialist Fraudulent President NObama’s America-Raping and Reabortion Act makes so much more sense now. Perhaps resigning everything may be the order of the day.

But I must say that I admire his flavor for the exotic. My infidelities and marriages have always sided toward Southern belles and beauty queens who squirm at the thought of bags of money — my Karolina Apple is probably blushing now because she knows I am talking sweet about her — but there is something to be said about bedding a luscious Latina who does not work on some lawn or live in “Hoover.”

Carter wouldn’t like it, but perhaps this is something to be considered when I trade in the latest wife in three years.

J. Eagle Cockfight II served in low-level policy positions in the Reagan and first Bush administrations. A semi-retired lobbyist, Eagle left the HealthSouth corporation in 1997 to serve on the board of Cockfight Farms Food and Pharmaceuticals Inc., of which he is now chairman. He lives in Mountain Brook with his 27-year-old fourth wife, Karolina Apple Johnstone-Cockfight, and his beloved beagles Whitey and Cotton.

‘Would you like some meat?’

The reason why is here.

You know, some lame-duck Southern Republican governors just pretend to hike in Appalachia for a few days, then secretly head to Buenos Aires when they want to do something “exotic”…

‘Goodbye old friend.’

Ed McMahon dead today at 86.

Finally, readership we can believe in.

Thank you dude from "Scream"!

Oh, the joys of Webloggin’.

You may recall that yesterday I happened to have mentioned Skeet Ulrich in the title of a post in reference to City Stages’ president studying up  on the dark bliss of absolute and total oblivion.

Well, guess how a pageview was routed here last night?

That’s right, a Skeet Ulrich fansite.

Finally! Credibility!

You God-less lessers probably won’t know this, but Thursday was my birthday. And nothing validates my existence more than being accepted by a group of people who spend a lot of time researching the moves and minutiae of a so-so actor who rocks Eastern European pride in last name, with the lack of shame that comes with letting people use the word “Skeet’ as his first.

There have been few moments in my life when I’ve been prouder.

It’s almost great to be alive.

…

I mean… if you’re drinking…

Skeet Ulrich will be the harbinger of your destruction.

"Come see this year's headliners: the surviving members of Men at Work! Feel the doom!"

So go check out this Birmingham News photo of City Stages President George McMillan.

Notice the DVD collection of the nuclear Holocaust drama Jericho on his desk? In the left-hand corner?

I guess he’s studying up on how to cope with City Stages’ financial state.

‘Oh Henry Kissinger, make sweet love to me.’

Jack Abramoff only takes his hat off for ONE THING...

Politico has this weird article about the hottest hunks in D.C.,  with Dr. Ron Paul, Rahm Emanuel, and Grover fucking Norquist (really?!) among the… hot dudes they highlighted.

(Christopher Hitchens, though? Yeah… I guess I could see that.)

This got passed around the Family last night, and we all felt like Alabama was underrepresented.

So… um…  I don’t really want to write this but, um, apparently the rest of the Family — especially my dad — thought it would be a good idea to e-mail some material to my mom so she could do some sexy write-ups of Alabama’s underrated hunks on The Hill.

And they want me to post them.

Here. Now.

…

I hate my fucking Family sometimes…

"Hi. I'm here to deliver this PORK SANDWICH."

Senator Richard Shelby: “Hey,  there big man. They may not have given you that big statue of you yet, but you’re like that sexy grandpa who can take me in your big bear-like arms and appropriate to me all. Night. Long.

“Mmm. I hope it’s an 80-20 match…”

Former Congressman Bud Cramer: “Mmmmmmm! I hope you can get the National Weather Service in Huntsville started back up, because I  want to downpour over you all night long, Buddy…”

Congressman Spencer Bachus: “Tonight I’ll give you a stimulus package you won’t complain about, cutie…”

"He's just so DANGEROUS..."

Congressman Artur Davis: “I don’t know if I should — or if I could — but I really, really want to…”

Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: “His personality that thinks it’s a Brazilian dominatrix named Alexandria can be pretty fun, I hear.”

Congressman Jo Bonner: “When I’m done with you, you won’t have an E in your last name either…”

Congressman Parker Griffith: “Who?”

Congressman Bobby Bright: “Eh… He’s still kind of the Mayor of Montgomery…. That doesn’t really do it for me…”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: “You may be the president’s mouthpiece, but tonight I’ll be yours…”