Auld lang die.

PRESS RELEASE

December 31, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ANNOUNCES ‘2010′ ENEMIES LIST

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – Members of the Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most begrudging political clans, today formally announced their individual enemies lists for 2010, a beloved and statutorily required holiday reading tradition for West Alabama and Mississippi families for more than 60 years.

The Family has spent much of their time compiling their lists for the past month and,  because of the advent of failed politico King Cockfight’s Weblog, is proud to publish them on the Internet for the first time.*

Individual Family members’ enemies, with explanations in their own words, follow. These people are encouraged not to enter the Cockfights’ traditional home in Winston County for the next year lest they wish to suffer a valuable, teachable smiting.

Carter Cockfight
2012 presidential candidate for the ‘NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!’ Party

1. THE IMMIGRANTS!: ONE OF THEM FUCKED MY WIFE. NOW THEY WANT TO FUCK MY LAND. I’M THE ONLY ONE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE FUCKING. STAY ON LORNA ROAD OR YOU’LL MEET MY GLORIOUS SHOTGUN!
2. S. TRUETT CATHY: FUCK THAT BALD SMILEY CHICK-FIL-FUCK FOR MOVING ON THE IDEA OF A CHRISTIAN-THEMED CHICKEN RESTAURANT BEFORE I DID. RELIGI-CHICKEN WOULD’VE BEEN HUGE. SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD’VE BEEN STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH BATTERED CHRIST NUGGETS WHILE PRAYING AT THE ALTAR I COULD’VE BEEN A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE. BUT CERTAIN GEORGIA FUCKERS HAD TO FRANCHISE A FEW YEARS EARLIER THAN I DID SO I HAD TO TRY THE CHRIST TACOS RESTAURANT CHAIN INSTEAD. AND THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT — PROBABLY BECAUSE SOUR CREAM DOESN’T REMIND PEOPLE OF CHRISTIAN IT REMINDS THEM OF CUM. PEARLY-WHITE CUM! AND IT’S ALL S. TRUETT CATHY’S FAULT! PLUS CATHOLICISM IS THEIR RELIGION!
3. LOU DOBBS: I HAD THE IDEA OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST THE IMMIGRANT RAPE-HORDES FIRST, YOU BLOATED, POMPOUS CAMERA FUCKER!

Ron Sparks makes poor decision to run for Governor.

There will be no Leftist mustache rides to be had for the megametropolitan yuppie-hillbilly shopping mall and car lot that you people call a congressional district.

Friends of Newt Gingrich.

PRESS RELEASE

December 23, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY URGES OTHER ALABAMA POLITICIANS TO FOLLOW ‘PARKER’ GRIFFITH’S LEAD, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET

Now playing for the other team.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most blunt political clans, today urged several Alabama politicians to follow the lead of newly extra-white North Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith and “come out of the closet” about who they really are.

Griffith, who was elected as a Democrat last year and is still believed by several Cockfight Family members not to be an actual human being but a sentient shopping mall in Madison (“I hear there’s a really nice Best Buy there,” the Rev.  David Cockfight said.), only sorta-kinda shocked his colleagues in Alabama and Congress by turning GOP on Tuesday, probably because his ass was going to be beat real bad by a conservative more comfortable admitting he or she is really a Republican in 2010.

But members of the Cockfight Family, who have been busy for much of the past month compiling their annual holiday enemies’ lists, were not surprised at all by the announcement.

“These kind of revelations tend to happen a lot around the holidays,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “People come back from Washington for holiday dinner and show up with an oil lobbyist or somebody from big business, and before they can open their mouth to tell those close to them the big revelation, their donors realize that whole voting against healthcare thing and being really against abortion thing from the campaign wasn’t just a phase.”

“I remember all the shame I felt when my son came back from college and told me he was only a moderate Republican,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration staffer. “He told me that maybe we shouldn’t be so relentless and close-minded about abortion and that perhaps, and it pains me to say this even now, that Social Security might not have been such a terrible idea.

“But in time, I learned that both us are owned to the bone by big business and not very fond of helping minorities and especially the poor, and while I don’t approve all the aspects of his unorthodox politically un-belligerent lifestyle,  that common ground has helped me accept and love him for what he is.”

Still, Family members applauded Griffith’s move and urged several other Alabama politicians to bring their lifestyles out in the open to be honest with themselves and their voters — especially one freshman congressman in particular.

“Bobby Bright’s all like ‘I just have some really flamboyantly neoconservative friends!’ and ‘Voting against healthcare reform is just something I like to do for fun — I’m still very attracted to Democratic donors!’” King said. “But we all know the real truth, Bobby, and you don’t have to hide it anymore.

“Everybody knows you’re a big, flaming GOP.”

Other Alabama politicians the Cockfight Family believes should be more truthful about who they are:

• Republican Attorney General Troy King: “Illiteracy is a problem that affects so many Alabamians,” King said. “Much like Lucy Baxley has been an inspiration to those who have suffered strokes, T.K. could really inspire hope among the illiterate attorneys who don’t understand or know how to practice or enforce the law as he is beaten handily and righteously by a comic book super-villain in his party’s primary next year.”
• Former Democratic Governor Don Siegelman: “Everybody knows you’re corrupt as shit, man,” King said. “Come on.”
• Former State GOP Chairwoman Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh: “Even though you’re restricted by Asimov’s Three Laws and the strict rules Governor Riley has set for you, you can make a brave first step for a world where android Republican operatives are considered as human as those born as flesh and bone,” King said.
• Democratic Lt. Governor Jim Folsom: “It’s well past time to admit you’re a Kodiak bear dressed as a man!” said Carter McCarthy Cockfight, 2012 presidential candidate for the “NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!” Party. “Now come on and fight me!”

Artur Davis has been a bad black person.

Temporarily demoted to probationary black man status.

Congressman Artur Davis’ vote against healthcare reform has had some folks questioning whether he’d rather mortgage his political future these days than represent the people who put him in a position to entertain a run for Governor, prompted his mustachioed Democratic rival to suddenly be as in favor of a public health plan as any latte-sipping, cock-sucking, weed-smoking San Francisco, California, liberal, and, most recently and importantly, led to important and critical questions about his blackitude by the Rev. Jesse Jackson:

We even have blacks voting against the health care bill. You can’t vote against health care and call yourself a black man.

And by “blacks” Jackson means, well, Artur Davis who was the only Black Congressional Caucus member to vote against the bill in the House and thus, in Jackson’s parlance, earn Multiple Black-Man Status (MBMS).

In response, Davis attempted to repel and celebrate Jackson’s comments at the same time and restated that he supports healthcare reform, just not the particular politically realistic and most likely as good as we’re going to get with the current population of dumb politicians and sheeple being considered on Capitol Hill. Political experts even say that his split with Jackson, along with his vote against a reform that is unpopular in Alabama because we like fucking ourselves to death with that rusty metal pole and we’ll lick our  lips for you because you like it when we do it like that don’t you big daddy?,  is likely to strengthen his chances of being elected Governor next year.

All that being said, I’ve been consistently underwhelmed by the Davis campaign — and not for those “Oh it’s because he’s a Democrat and I’m a nacho-eating neocon” or the “Oh and he’s black and I’m one of those Huntsville/Mountain Brook racists who talks around hating black people as if it’s some sort of medical or social condition like AIDS and crime and boy how I hate AIDS and crime” kind of reasoning you might find elsewhere in the Alabama Weblogosphere.

My concern has been that the Davis’ alleged campaign staff have not shown any signs of being particularly capable or fully cognizant of the raining racial hellfire they will have to cope with if he wins the Democratic nomination next year.

There’s running post-racial, then there’s running in a happy-happy la-la version of Alabama that doesn’t exist where it’s a matter of fact we either can ignore or that we don’t have to get to yet so we can make stupid moves like letting the Internet determine our campaign platform.

Given my background, I tend to see these things in terms of emotionless political calculus, and I imagine Davis does to some extent as well. My read is that Davis probably supports healthcare reform — maybe even in its most liberal yet logical form — but trusts his Democratic colleagues in the House and Senate to at least be able to do some approximation of getting the job done without him so can cover himself to perhaps –  switching back from the political to the ideal –  do greater good in Alabama from 2011 onward.

Unfortunately, reading things in political terms tends to desensitize you to what’s right an awful lot. If there’s a general election and a broad portion of the voting population die-hardedly believes that skullfucking homeless people to death is the only way to instill values and rejuvenate economic development — and please, Alabama Republicans, don’t take this as a commentary on your party’s platform right now — and you needed at least a good chunk of those people to form a winning coalition, a hardened political “expert” like myself would recommend you give at least a little qualified support to doing some awful things to homeless people for the good of our economy and to preserve morality for our children’s future.

That’s because while most human beings know socially and morally what’s the right thing to do, most of the time they are too politically and personally stupid and immature to do it. It’s how jackasses who have no fucking idea what the hell they’re doing (not to mention candidates who actually believe government can be run as a for-profit business as if they are the same fucking thing) get elected all the time. It’s why President Liberal-Black-Man-Raised-In-A-Poor-Interracial-Household-And-Worked-As-A-Community-Organizer has to play to the bigots feelings about The Gays (TM) instead of letting them experience the empty, sexless joy of marriage or openly die in our latest pointless military quagmires.

People, especially voters, are petty little children who refuse to drink their milk even if they know it’s the only thing keeping all their teeth from falling out. And Alabamians are among the biggest, toothless babies of them all.

So yes, Artur is taking the right stance to appeal to the stupid, immature, anti-progressive majority of Alabama voters — you know, the same people who are still totally too stupid, immature, and anti-progressive right now to vote for him because he has a skin tone a shade darker than mother of pearl.

Oh and by the way, Artur, your home base, poor black people such as those in your poor black congressional district, who I will remind you are — at least according to stereotype — seen as only slightly more electorally reliable than “politically-motivated” college-aged liberal youth, might remember how you voted pretty blatantly against their interests and could decide not to show up records numbers that Black Belt counties will obfuscate through voter fraud on Election Day 2010. That too.

(Again, I don’t think they’re even the slightest bit prepared for that whole racial hellfire thing.)

So let’s break it down.

Is Davis the most palatable gubernatorial candidate there is right now? Considering that the other candidates are an irrelevant, unprepared mustache man who has suddenly had a Saul-to-Paul moment on healthcare reform, a quietly unaccomplished allegedly accomplished non-threatening White Republican who has the physical appeal of a gray-at-the-temples middle-aged man that horny White Republican women would love to see in one of those bathtubs in the Cialis ads, a fool who fucked-up managing your kids’ college money and has limply attempted to absolve herself by blaming the money, an empty-headed Jesus freak retread, a bored, unappealing Tuscaloosa dermatologist, Tim James, and an anonymous far-right dumbfuck whose entire last-place campaign has morphed into a giant fuck you to the sitting lame-duck governor for forcing him out of a job most Alabamians don’t care about or understand, I’d say so.

Does he have to work harder and be more perfect than any of us can imagine — even if he’s amply more qualified and trustworthy than the rest of these jackasses — because he’s a black man running for a statewide elected office in Alabama? Hell yes. A hundred times more than any of the fine young Democrats working on his campaign realize — even he knows it in no uncertain terms.

Is it fair? Fuck no.

Is it reality? Until further notice, unfortunately so.

Did he just sell out the people he represented and thus cast doubt as to whether he’s the grown-up Alabama needs to make it a better place?

Yeah. He did.

And he should have known better than that.

Let’s all make out with Bradley Byrne.

"It's okay to be attracted to me. I did wear the light blue polo today..."

Allegedly accomplished white Republican Bradley Byrne, who may or may not done something important and credible by not putting a hit out on anybody while running the blood-soaked coke-brothel that was (is?) the State’s two-year college system*, this week revealed a ten-point plan for at least eliminating the appearance of the State’s political leaders having their jobs only to buttfuck cash and privilege out of Alabama’s government.

And I’m not alleging any sort of bias or anything like that, but after reading this article I do think that the Mobile Register might have some unusual feelings about Bradley Byrne that make them feel special and icky inside at the same time:

Ethics in government has been one of Byrne’s three Es — the others being education and economic development — since Byrne entered the race earlier this year. But today’s news conference represented his most detailed proposal on the topic yet.

Byrne made his remarks across the street from Bishop State Community College, where allegations of ethics lapses led to front-page headlines before he took the helm of the entire two-year system. The school was a literal and figurative backdrop for Byrne’s insistence that he could push through reforms that have died in the Legislature many times before.

When not making the Bay Area press swoon and crave the warmth of his milky-white Republican arms, Byrne proposed a plan that would kill pass-through pork, expand the “double-dipping” ban, strengthen the State Ethics Commission,  broaden who is required to make disclosures to the commission, and other things that the Republicans probably won’t be too excited to do once they take over the Legislature in 2011.

And I would totally mock his promise to call a special session after he’s sworn-in when I assume — but am too lazy and drunk this morning to fact-check — the next Governor will be inaugurated a few weeks at most from the beginning of the regular session, but it’s not like we get any  governing done during the legislative session, so I can understand why he might think that’s the best approach in this situation.

Oh, and the Family wanted me to note that blood will totally run through the streets of Haleyville as Winston County declares it’s independence from an ass-choked Alabama government should this ethics bullshit even come close to passing and devastating Alabama’s graft-based economy.

It’s just how we roll.

*I can’t tell you how sad I was a few years ago to hear about the end of Northwest Shoals Community College’s great marketing campaign from the 1990’s: “Northwest Shoals Community College — We WILL Suck Your Dick For Money!” Progress has its costs, I guess.

It might be hard to racially profile a black governor.

Second-place Democratic gubernatorial candidate and radical Leftist Ag Commissioner Ron Sparks picked up the endorsement of 28 Alabama sheriffs this week.

Strange how lawmen might be attracted to an impressively mustachioed white gentlemen…

Other upcoming endorsements: Dr. Robert Bentley will be endorsed by 13 older, bored Tuscaloosa doctors, Roy Moore will be endorsed by 45 Southern Baptist preachers who also agree that things ain’t Jesus like they used to be, and Kay Ivey will be endorsed by a lobby of vicious animals that kill good things off of unknowing, mindless instinct…

Changing teams.

State GOP Chairman Mike Hubbard, an asshole, says he is working to woo Democratic legislators to run as Republicans.

Democratic Chairman Joe Turnham, who is probably an asshole in his own right too, denies this. But what incentives have Republicans offered the State’s Dems to switch over?

• Twenty percent more loved by Christ. The American Christ.
• Still get to oppose Troy King’s re-election campaign.
• Allowed to be conservative and selfish without fulfilling passing need to care about these alleged “poor people.”
• Less time spent around Alvin Holmes.
• Ability to enjoy Fox News’ ritzy production values without feeling dirty.
• Access to George Wallace’s pickled balls — unseen by Democrats since Governor Bob Riley’s election in 2002 — and their unbelievable ability to restore sexual potency and win the black vote no matter what you do to them.
• Allowed use of the latest racist code words worked up in the RNC Labs.
• “Mulligans” on any and all abortions they may have been involved in previously to come in line with party philosophy. Especially includes past Education Trust Fund budgets passed by the Legislature.
• Twinkle Cavanaugh.
• Don’t have to worry about their party fielding a black candidate for Governor. Ever.

Hackneye.

Dumb, inappropriate gubernatorial candidate Kay Ivey said Thursday that she would cut staff at the Alabama Department of Transportation to build more roads.

That sounds strangely familiar. I would repeat that this is the “I’m going to do my job if I get my job!” platform promise, but Ivey has shown that she has no interest or ability to hold true to such a statement.

Other Ivey campaign initiatives that will be rolled out over the coming weeks:

• An unworkable reading corps plan involving old people and college students.
• Random healthcare reform townhalls held with equally random repentant Canadians.
• Crying herself asleep on the floor of the bathroom of a McDonald’s attached to a gas station because several key Republican boosters don’t know her name.

Crash test dummies.

Fifth-place GOP gubernatorial candidate Dr. Robert Bentley held an angry Republican circle-jerk forum on healthcare reform in Tuscaloosa last night where he proved he knows what Alabama’s — nay, America’s — healthcare system really, really needs:

Someone who will prepare us for the coming socialized Canadian health menace:

KING COCKFIGHT EXPLAINS the dumbest gubernatorial candidate there is.

Neither I nor the random clip credited to me on the KayIvey2010 website (no relation) have minced words about how I think that Your State Treasurer Kay Ivey has no damned business being in next year’s gubernatorial race.

I don’t care how full your campaign coffers are, when you’re coming from low point with voters such as being blamed — fairly or unfairly — for endangering the dreams of their children while holding a largely useless and redundant State office, well, it’d probably be best if you go back to being a banker for a while.

For a bit, I thought Ivey was running just out of pure stubbornness. She’s obviously been planning a run for a while, I thought, so she must’ve looked at the field of candidates, looked herself in the mirror and said, ‘Why waste the buildup?’

Now I just think she’s an idiot.

Postcards from the highway by fourth place.

Known Communist mustache-wearer Ron Sparks, having read impending failure Tim James’ response to voting on Artur Davis’ platform on The Net, has decided that building a bunch of roads and shit sounds pretty cool too:

Democratic candidate for governor Ron Sparks proposed a $1.4 billion highway and bridge construction program Thursday to be paid for by borrowing $400 million and spending $100 million a year for 10 years from the Alabama Trust Fund.

‘It creates jobs. It improves safety. It attracts new industry and it helps our economy. All of this will be done without raising the taxes on the working men and women one dime,’ said Sparks, who is the state agriculture commissioner.

Sparks said that, if he’s elected governor, his administration would borrow $400 million by selling GARVEE bonds, Grant Anticipation Revenue Vehicles, which would be repaid over 15 years from federal transportation aid. Alabama gets $500 million to $600 million a year in federal money for highways, bridges and traffic safety.

I’ll let someone else address the financial aspect of this, but I maintain that the “I wanna make  sure we have roads!” platform is the “I wanna do my job if I get my job!” platform for Governor — the kind of thing gubernatorial candidates and their supporters could demand our sitting Governor interrupt his travels to Europe and Madden 10 Xbox matchups against Haley Barbour to fix now.

But James, flashing his versatility as both an impending failure and flaming shit-cloud of death, has found a way to make a dumb platform even dumber.

Republican gubernatorial candidate Tim James said Wednesday that he could parlay reducing the state Department of Transportation payroll by 1,000 people into $600 million for road projects.

Wait, really?

Have it your way.

PRESS RELEASE

September 10, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY MANIPULATED INTO SUPPORT OF ‘SIX’ DOLLAR BURGER, BURGLED

Not a real gubernatorial candidate. Allegedly.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and usually most skeptical political clans, today formally announced that they were conned into supporting the fictional “Six Dollar Burger” candidate for Governor — an experiment that led to the burglary of their historic Family mansion in Winston County and the temporary shutdown of on-again, off-again political consultant King Cockfight’s semi-influential Weblog.

The Family announced on Tuesday that it was providing support for The Six Dollar Burger’s historic gubernatorial campaign by streaming his Twitter feed on King’s Weblog.

A conman and apparently avid regular reader of King’s Weblog posed as The Burger’s Campaign Manager approached the Family about a potential partnership, promising several key State appointments should the delicious slab of meat be elected in November 2010.

“We should’ve known that it was unlikely that his campaign manager would really be named ‘Carl Hardees III’ or that there was a charbroiled hamburger out there meeting with supporters and typing out campaign tweets on his BlackBerry,” King said today. “Then again, being experts and self-serving architects of Alabama’s fucked-up government, we know the 1901 Constitution allowed that catfish platter from Catfish Cabin II to be Mayor of Athens for much of the 1990’s.”

“He made me believe in change,” said a heartbroken, teary-eyed Carter Cockfight, a retired Lowndes County, Alabama, Commissioner and 2012 presidential nominee of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party, “and that the Bacon Ranch Fries were better than the Chili Cheese Fries.

“But both were lies.”

Special sauce.

PRESS RELEASE

September 8, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘HELPS’ SUPPORT DELICIOUS GUBERNATORIAL CANDIDATE’S ASPIRATIONS

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and hungriest political clans, today formally announced it would help provide exposure to a bright, young Democratic candidate for governor: The Six Dollar Burger from Hardee’s.

The Six Dollar Burger, first contacted by the Legislative Black Caucus as they desperately searched for a non-black candidate earlier this year, has decided to enter the race as a dark horse candidate who promises “CHANGE that’s cheaper than Alabama thinks.”

Look, I’m still a black man running for Governor in Alabama.

"What fantasyland not full of crazy racists do you live in?"

Artur Davis ain’t buyin’ this shit:

A recently reported poll puts U.S. Rep. Artur Davis, D-Birmingham up 30 points in his primary and 6 points ahead of the Republican front-runner seeking the governor’s office in 2010.

Davis, who was in Huntsville Tuesday talking with biotechnology and business leaders, said he likes the numbers he’s heard about the Alabama Education Association poll, but he’s not sure they’re accurate.

‘Candidly, I don’t think we’re doing quite as well as AEA says,’ said Davis, who will face Alabama agriculture commissioner Ron Sparks in the June 2010 primary.

Excellent political move here on Davis’ part. Because when you speak candidly and preface it by saying you’re speaking candidly, it makes people believe you’re willing to speak candidly all the time.

You know, if they didn’t graduate high school — and somehow know what the word “candidly” means.

No, they’re not funny anymore.

THINGS AIN'T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!

Look, Alabama press.

Look.

We know it’s awesome and all that Chuck Norris decided it would be fun to take a victory lap endorsement of Roy Moore last week — ’cause, you know, he already did this nearly three months ago — but we don’t need 377 articles starting or ending with Chuck Norris fact jokes from, like, two or three years ago:

‘Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a Chucktatorship.’

That tidbit comes from chucknorrisfacts.com, a Web site filled with farfetched claims about Chuck Norris , the former star of ‘Walker, Texas Ranger.’

Norris recently gave his stamp of approval to Roy Moore , endorsing the former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court in his 2010 bid for governor.

See? See? See?

I know grandpa in Theodore needs some information to try to understand what these doggone kids and their jokes about aging karate stars and what it has to do with Captain “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” but some of us are pretty worn out with this vintage Internet humor.

Now, if someone — be it a newspaper columnist or a Weblogger — were to make a deadpan list of Chuck Norris-like facts about Roy Moore, such as: