Guest post by Brewer T. Alberts III
Cockfight Family Historian
It’s been far too long since I’ve been able to write to you regarding the glorious past of one of the greatest groups of people ever to be “born” and then “reside” in this country: the Cockfight Family. I’m sure you’ve read about my troubles, and then the troubles that followed those troubles, but I’m feeling much better now and, as those commuting between Cullman and Birmingham may have recently noticed, living and bathing publicly in a newish trailer off Interstate 65, just south of the exit with the Denny’s where I also bathe daily.
While I was in my troubles, I learned a lot of things: That I still love my ex-wife, that nursing a heroin and methamphetamine addiction at the same time was a very poor thing to play with even if I was alone on Nathan Bedford Forrest’s birthday, that pitbull meat is astoundingly tasty in Dreamland barbecue sauce, and that cutting myself really doesn’t make me feel better, but rather forces my still weak and fragile form to pass out from blood loss within fifteen minutes time.
But I also acquired several new skills that, as I work my way back into maximum usefulness around The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind, I hope I can use to help expand the Family’s influence and mission. For example, I made King’s new Weblog logo (above) by hand from one of the Union Devils’ battle-flags, and then used it to stop the bleeding during one cutting incident that went far, far awry.
I have also learned how to play with the YouTubes, and thanks to recording devices I’ve placed around the Cockfight Family’s many households — often for my own self-pleasuring purposes — I plan on translating monumental moments of the Family’s recent and far-gone past into motion so that all the lessers can understand what type of people they are beneath.
And through some often-used technology from elsewhere on one of the four Internets, I have been able to do this translation through avatars, so as not to violate one of the Cockfight Family’s cardinal rules: “Do not let any identifying visuals or sounds of yourself distribute into public, lest you want a horny horde of lessers tearing through your home, looking to claim your piece of Elvis’ skull.”
Recently the Cockfight Family began developing a luxury bingo hall near Natural Bridge called “Oglethorpe’s Claw,” named after Family patriarch and inspiration for the legend of the Chupacabra, Oglethorpe Cockfight. Among the Cockfights’ development partners are members of the Catfish Family, who are essentially the Cockfights’ “Great Family of the South” counterpart in the barren “State” of Tennessee.
What might not have been disclosed is that King Cockfight was once engaged to — and has quite frequently since bedded — Princess Catfish, one of the young heirs to the Catfish Family’s celebrated legacy of interstate trucking, country music success, and maintaining high poverty levels in Memphis.
Below, in the first time a story of Cockfight Family lore has ever been put in motion as anything other than a softcore pornographic picture, is how that breakup happened: Continue reading