Something no one else can hear.

PRESS RELEASE

June 11, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT CALLS ON SCARED LIBERAL MEDIA TO FACE HIM LIKE AMERICANS, NOT HIDE FROM HIM LIKE ISLAMOFASCIST TERRORISTS

HOOVER, AL — Carter Cockfight’s anti-immigrant campaign for president is calling for liberal media publishers, editors, and slave-peoples to stop running scared from his message of American freedom and meet with Carter so they can write about his campaign.

After they have failed to cover his campaign events and fresh whole hog barbecues, Carter has personally reached out to several media outlets over the past week to coax them to love their freedom and America more than illegal criminal immigrants like Barack Hussein Obama and Mitt Juarez Romney and report on his campaign.

What follows are the mostly non-fellatio related accusation text from the emails he sent to outlets including the New York Times, Washington Post, and Maxim Magazine:

Passing the blame.

PRESS RELEASE

June 6, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT DEMANDS MEDIA FINALLY SHOW RESPONSIBILITY, COVER REAL ISSUES LIKE THOSE EXCLUSIVELY POSED BY HIS CAMPAIGN

HOOVER, AL — Presidential candidate Carter Cockfight today criticized the negligence and irresponsibility of the liberal, immigrant-harboring media after they failed to report on his campaign kickoff in Hoover, Alabama yesterday.

The event, held when Galleria Mall security employees were properly paid off yesterday afternoon, attracted a significant crowd in the thirties. A fun time was had by all following a performance by anti-immigrant Christian rap group Heav-N Not 4 Every 1 played their hit “Christ Doesn’t See Brown (In His Town)” and young Antijewhitler Campbell, 8, of a survivalist camp in Northeast Alabama, won the “greased pig-migrant chase,” getting a first bite of the late pig known as Piguel at the campaign’s BBQ dinner in parking lot of a Chipotle restaurant across the street after police arrived. Additionally, all were moved—especially police who agreed that Mexicans are bad—when Carter made his stirring speech about why getting rid of all the immigrants will fix all of America’s problems.

Yet, absent from all the coverage was the liberal, white American hating media, who clearly were probably off in Massachusetts covering a gay marriage funded by food stamps between an illegal Mexican immigrant who has taken twenty American jobs and one of Barack Hussein Obama’s secret Kenyan brother.

“Clearly, The Birmingham No-News, ABC 33/Rape, and all the other liberal medias did not do their jobs yesterday,” said Dale Glucker, Carter 2012 spokesman, who is totally not quoting himself in a press release he is actually writing himself.

Grease ‘em up.

PRESS RELEASE

June 4, 2012

Contact:
Dale Glucker,
Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts

CARTER COCKFIGHT FOR AMERICA CAMPAIGN KICKS OFF ITS PUSH TOWARD NOVEMBER
Candidate promises not to let Mississippians get away with it

HOOVER, AL — The Carter Cockfight for America 2012 presidential campaign—an effort designed to present a viable third party candidate for president who will promise to murder all immigrants in cold blood—will kick off its victory run tomorrow, June 5, 2012, at an as yet to be determined location and time outside the Galleria Mall in Hoover, Alabama.

BETTERS’ READING: No one has any money anywhere oh God the zombies are going to eat my flesh.

Sadly belated things that people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A man fainted yesterday while standing in line at the Jefferson County Courthouse, and there are eyewitness reports that another man did the same last week after standing in line for four hours.

This comes after a sobering New York Times report over the weekend that states the grim obvious: Jefferson County and its people may never fully recover from its bankruptcy.

But hey y’all, at least Scott Beason stood on the broad, make-believe bullshit principle of not letting y’all have revenue to stave off bankruptcy and keep municipal services somewhat decent so he can brag about fighting against taxes in his failed run for Congress.

And I’m sure folks like this elderly gentleman who fainted yesterday understand why they had to make that sacrifice.

-In completely unrelated news, a Senate panel actually believes that Jefferson County may need revenue to do its job.

-Speaking of government cutbacks:

Most new Alabama governors appoint a task force to write a report on streamlining state government and then let it collect dust. Gov. Robert Bentley and legislative leaders say they are determined not to let that happen.

Suuuuure.

Governor Riley’s report? Currently being used as a doorstop by the Mississippi Indian Gambling Overlords that exist in Bill Johnson’s head.

Don Siegelman’s? His advisers folded hundreds used to bribe their way out of speeding tickets in between the pages and handed them to State Troopers to be discreet.

Fob James ate his.

But wait:

Bentley has already targeted some programs in the executive branch, including one of his own Cabinet members, for merger and says there will be more.

“Streamlining government will save money. If one agency duplicates the services of another agency, we will merge those agencies. We will look for excess and cut it out,” Bentley said.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww daaaaaaamn.

BETTERS’ READING 2012-16-2: The Galleria place is so colorblind that it can’t see.

Despite the injury-riddled end to his career, Yao Ming remains many Hoover residents' favorite black athlete.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Are we really surprised that Hoover government employees cannot distinguish between Indian people—the ones who gave us Naan bread—and American Indians—the ones who gave us the gift of Bob Riley conspiracy theories?¹

When live and work in Hoover, a place without anything remotely resembling a “culture,” I would imagine it’s hard to distinguish between people who originate from different ones.

-Speaking of which, people in Hoover will be happy to know that the Hindi casino down in Atmore is doin’ just swell.

-THINGS AIN’T LITERAL JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!

Next.

-You start letting them play football, suddenly they’re going to think they can get gay married.

-Now that you mention it, I have noticed less graphics depicting President Obama using a rolled up Constitution to sodomize American soldiers into being gays who commit abortions to raise taxes on Fox News.

I can see how some might be offended by that change…

-Meanwhile, over at Weld, that lying son of a bitch Cal Alabaster thinks he’s better than you just because he respects Alabama for being a place where Muslim law can never be dwarfed by make-believe Jesus law and Shadrack says don’t reach into her lady place and hit the off-switch…

____

¹American Indians are also known for being a pal and watching this whole America place when we white people weren’t using it because we totally had some Dark Ages stuff goin’ on dude. Also, they were a real pal when we started killin’ ‘em all indiscriminate like and made them get the hell out of our new pad.

Thanks for that, bros.

Owe you one?

We make our dreams come true.

Nanny only had all the kids around to get money to pay down her Mississippi gambling debts.

The Alabama Department of Human Resources and No Fucking Hippies (DHRFuckUHippie) is stepping up efforts to recruit potential parents for the young in its care.

How are they doing it?

• Through February 21st, free Zune with every adoption.
• Walking through parking lots of malls in Birmingham suburbs, attaching “Oh yeah? Well why don’t you adopt one of these unwanted, unloved kids, then, Cap’n(s) Fuck-Hole?” stickers next to “Pro-Life” bumper stickers on recent-model SUVs, sedans, and minivans.
• Distributing pamphlets on tax deductions available for those with kids along with pamphlets explaining what “taxes” and “deductions” are.
• Long John Silver’s coupons.
• Buying “You can save this one from the Arubans!” billboards in Birmingham area.
• Free PACT contract … oh … oh … sorry…
• Working gun shows as part of groundbreaking “You could train it to kill shit” awareness campaign.
• Training as many of the children in DHRFuckUHippie’s care to be athletically gifted.
• Explaining to prospective parents that an abandoned child is a lot like “when Fox totally buttfucked Firefly into cancellation. So, say, if you adopt this kids, it’s like you’re bringing back Firefly with mystical black preacher man, that hot ass-kicking Terminator-chick,  and that smokin’ hot Geisha whore-lady and everything!” For fans of Joss Whedon’s earlier work, DHRFuckUHippie officials will explain that adopting the child is “a lot like giving Angel the Season 6 it totally fucking deserved, preserving the bad-assed contained-Armageddonish cliffhanger ending but without killing Wesley. Because later-season Wesley is fucking awesome. Isn’t later-season Wesley fucking awesome? That could be your kid, man!”
• Promising upper middle-class white parents that if things work out Sandra Bullock will star in a cheesy, antiseptic post-racial fairytale about their lives.

Jump pass for glory.

PRESS RELEASE

July 27, 2009

FAMILY OF INFLUENTIAL ALABAMA FOOTBALL FANS RECOMMENDS EXPLOITING NEWFOUND WEAKNESS OF UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA QUARTERBACK TIM ‘TEBOW’

Gets no sex.

NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and  most influential group of University of Alabama football boosters, today formally encouraged supporters of the Crimson Tide football program to find a way to coax decorated University of Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow into a night of superb, irresistible, wang-breaking sex in advance of the 2009 college football season.

Asked about his virginity at last week’s SEC Media Days in “Hoover,” Tebow, also a lauded evangelical missionary, admitted that he was saving his biggest rhinoceros-like pounding run up the middle for a score for his wedding night.

“I don’t know who came up with it first, but we all pretty much concluded at Sunday supper that he plays so good ‘a football because he ain’t ever got his willy wet,”  said Carter M. Carter, a retired Lowndes County Commissioner who was banned as an Alabama booster for an undisclosed incident in 2006.

“So if that’s what’s between the Tide winnin’ the SEC, we reckon that we ought to do whatever we can to hook ‘im up with a lady or two to sex him ’til his balls explode.”

Mission accomplished.

Two-year college Chancellor Bradley Byrne announced his  resignation yesterday and all but dropped his pants to show the State’s press a “Byrne for Governor 2010″ tattoo on his buttcheeks.

(Which, if real, would be right next to the one of former chancellor Roy Johnson on his knees crying like a little girl in front of a federal judge.)

Byrne, a Republican, said that the two-year college system’s corruption problems are fixed — mainly because he says it is and he’s got to go run for governor now.

I think the system is cleaned up. It took a $60 million hit in the budget last year, and it stood up to it. That’s a sign that you’ve got a well-run system.

Yeah, we gutted the fuck out of the system and it didn’t curl up in the corner and shit itself to death… so I guess it’s all right.

Of course, this really doesn’t address whether, qualitatively, the system’s anything better than babysitting for college-aged kids who — emotionally or intellectually — need a half-assed thirteenth and fourteenth grade of high school and are willing to spend money for it.

Also, the Fallen Porkers.

Meanwhile, Tony Petelos, the mayor of the South Birmingham conclave known as “Hoover,”  announced yesterday that he would not be seeking the Republican nomination for governor.

Because he’s the motherfucking mayor of  Hoover.

A good man remains quite difficult to locate.

PRESS RELEASE

April 29, 2009

CONSERVATIVE MOUNTAIN BROOK LOBBYIST J. EAGLE COCKFIGHT II ANNOUNCES HE WILL NOT RUN FOR GOVERNOR IN ’2010′

Only if you promise Eagle a $10 million raise...

VESTAVIA HILLS — Cockfight Farms Food and Pharmaceuticals Inc. Chairman Jamison Eagle Cockfight II announced today that he will not seek Alabama’s Republican nomination for Governor next year.

Eagle made the decision over a long weekend of giggling with his Family after being approached by several concerned and supportive State GOP insiders, and a bunch of powerful white Democrats who do not want Congressman Artur Davis, a black man, to be elected governor.

Eagle, also a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist, made the announcement at the end of a press conference held at the Vestavia Hills City Center to demonstrate Vestavia’s inherent inferiority to Mountain Brook.

“Now that we have covered how the New Money lessers’ Panera is a gutless, perverted, sex offender rapist compared to our Panera, I will not be running for governor,” Eagle said. “As much as I am honored by the interest, I would like to spend more time making money and not dealing with the melon-headed, half-tarded lessers’ problems.

“It is just what is best for me and my family.”

Eagle said he has received interest for the position as Republican insiders try to find a sure-thing candidate, wrangling potential candidates including “Hoover” Mayor Tony Petelos, admitted tax denier Bill Johnson, and massive fucking human failure and State Treasurer Kay Ivey.

He had been said to have the backing of at least 12 of U.S. Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s personalities.

“I am flattered by the interest, and no one wants our Grand Party to back someone other than a flaming shitcloud of death such as Tim James more than me,” Eagle said. “But perhaps instead of wild, aimless recruiting we should concentrate on backing one proud conservative candidate we can be 95% percent assured does not have a secret black child.

“Now on to condemning the New Money lessers for hiring obvious high school lesbians to work at their Aeropostale.”

Eagle has been a prominent and proud Republican for several years. He worked in low-level policy positions in the Reagan and first Bush administrations, where he worked to address pressing social issues like the crack cocaine and AIDS epidemics — and was lauded by the far right for his decision to do nothing about either problem.

Eagle’s son, Jamison Eagle Cockfight III, is a prominent Birmingham attorney. His grandson Jamison Eagle Cockfight IV is a prominent young member of the Mountain Brook High School basketball squad, pending the judgment of the Court.

Eagle lives in Mountain Brook with his 27-year-old fourth wife, Karolina Apple Johnstone-Cockfight, and his beloved beagles Whitey and Cotton.

Finally, a candidate more irrelevant than Tim James… Well, OK, not THAT irrelevant…

Republican Tony Petelos, “mayor” of the south Birmingham conclave hilariously known as “Hoover,” says he is considering a run for governor in 2010.

(You know, provided Captain Oinks doesn’t do us all in first.)

I’m not saying that Petelos is unqualified, but I think he is light on the experience a potential Republican nominee needs.

He’s never been removed from the bench for being a batshit crazy who refuses to follow the law. He’s never ruined the state’s prepaid college tuition program. And what will be most glaring in the primary race is he’s not the living personification of all human FAIL.

So Petelos has got a few things he might ought to address in the next year…