April 29, 2009
CONSERVATIVE MOUNTAIN BROOK LOBBYIST J. EAGLE COCKFIGHT II ANNOUNCES HE WILL NOT RUN FOR GOVERNOR IN ’2010′
Only if you promise Eagle a $10 million raise...
VESTAVIA HILLS — Cockfight Farms Food and Pharmaceuticals Inc. Chairman Jamison Eagle Cockfight II announced today that he will not seek Alabama’s Republican nomination for Governor next year.
Eagle made the decision over a long weekend of giggling with his Family after being approached by several concerned and supportive State GOP insiders, and a bunch of powerful white Democrats who do not want Congressman Artur Davis, a black man, to be elected governor.
Eagle, also a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist, made the announcement at the end of a press conference held at the Vestavia Hills City Center to demonstrate Vestavia’s inherent inferiority to Mountain Brook.
“Now that we have covered how the New Money lessers’ Panera is a gutless, perverted, sex offender rapist compared to our Panera, I will not be running for governor,” Eagle said. “As much as I am honored by the interest, I would like to spend more time making money and not dealing with the melon-headed, half-tarded lessers’ problems.
“It is just what is best for me and my family.”
Eagle said he has received interest for the position as Republican insiders try to find a sure-thing candidate, wrangling potential candidates including “Hoover” Mayor Tony Petelos, admitted tax denier Bill Johnson, and massive fucking human failure and State Treasurer Kay Ivey.
He had been said to have the backing of at least 12 of U.S. Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s personalities.
“I am flattered by the interest, and no one wants our Grand Party to back someone other than a flaming shitcloud of death such as Tim James more than me,” Eagle said. “But perhaps instead of wild, aimless recruiting we should concentrate on backing one proud conservative candidate we can be 95% percent assured does not have a secret black child.
“Now on to condemning the New Money lessers for hiring obvious high school lesbians to work at their Aeropostale.”
Eagle has been a prominent and proud Republican for several years. He worked in low-level policy positions in the Reagan and first Bush administrations, where he worked to address pressing social issues like the crack cocaine and AIDS epidemics — and was lauded by the far right for his decision to do nothing about either problem.
Eagle’s son, Jamison Eagle Cockfight III, is a prominent Birmingham attorney. His grandson Jamison Eagle Cockfight IV is a prominent young member of the Mountain Brook High School basketball squad, pending the judgment of the Court.
Eagle lives in Mountain Brook with his 27-year-old fourth wife, Karolina Apple Johnstone-Cockfight, and his beloved beagles Whitey and Cotton.