This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

DON'T DIE, FATASS! FIGHT! THEN DIE!

It’s always sad to read stories like this:

More than 100 manatees have been found dead in Florida waters since the beginning of the year, most of them victims of a nearly two-week cold snap.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the preliminary cause of death for 77 of the endangered animals is cold stress. They were found from Jan. 1 through Jan. 23.

As an enthusiast of Championship Manatee Battles it breaks my heart to hear that dozens of manatees are dying* because of the sharp cold instead of at the surgically attached blades of Cockfight Family’s prize battling sea-cow, BattleSteer IV.

Give to the Cockfight Foundation for Saving the Cold Manatees So They Can Die Honorably in Battle and Won’t Have to Commit Sea-Cow Seppuku today.

It’s like Haitian relief, except closer to home so you’ll still care about it when the plight isn’t trendy anymore.

*Or aren’t blocking potential game-winning field goals by a University of Tennessee kicker.

I want to ride it all night long.

PRESS RELEASE

July 20, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY UNSURE ABOUT ‘INTERNET’S’ OBSESSION WITH RON SPARKS’ BILLBOARDS, QUESTIONS WHY THERE’S NO MORE BUZZ ABOUT THEIR OWN POLITICAL BILLBOARDS

NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most skeptical political clans, today formally announced they do not get the big deal about why the Internet is so fascinated with the fact that Leftist Agriculture Commissioner and gubernatorial candidate Ron Sparks  has placed billboards on Interstate 65.

“Yeah, we heard that some Democrats are pushing him to drop into the Treasurer’s race,” said King Cockfight, executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. “But that  would be kind of stupid, even if he is going to lose. Sure, an experienced hand  in State government might be what’s needed to repair the sinking shit-iceberg that is PACT,  but he looks like he just really wants to be Ag Commissioner again, and might give up it to cows or something.

“But yeah, he’s running for governor, he bought some billboards — no big deal. He does look like a bit of a car salesman in that photo, though.”

“I’d be willin’ to buy one of them fancy new Camaros off of Ron Sparks,”  said Carter Cockfight, a former Lowndes County Commissioner running for president on the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party in 2012. “If it don’t run on cow-farts on some stupid shit!”

Finally, readership we can believe in.

Thank you dude from "Scream"!

Oh, the joys of Webloggin’.

You may recall that yesterday I happened to have mentioned Skeet Ulrich in the title of a post in reference to City Stages’ president studying up  on the dark bliss of absolute and total oblivion.

Well, guess how a pageview was routed here last night?

That’s right, a Skeet Ulrich fansite.

Finally! Credibility!

You God-less lessers probably won’t know this, but Thursday was my birthday. And nothing validates my existence more than being accepted by a group of people who spend a lot of time researching the moves and minutiae of a so-so actor who rocks Eastern European pride in last name, with the lack of shame that comes with letting people use the word “Skeet’ as his first.

There have been few moments in my life when I’ve been prouder.

It’s almost great to be alive.

…

I mean… if you’re drinking…

The sports of kings.

PRESS RELEASE

March 5, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ISSUES SCATHING STATEMENT AIMED AT ‘LEGISLATIVE’ EFFORTS TO BAN OR LIMIT SOME OF STATE’S MOST POPULAR UNDERGROUND SPORTS

FIGHT FATASS FIGHT!

NATURAL BRIDGE — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most game-y political clans, expressed boundless disgust today at recent legislative efforts to stymie the state’s slightly illicit animal battle-sports and the hardworking trainers and forcibly indentured creatures who carry them out.

Most disturbing to us is an ongoing, backhanded effort to regulate our favorite animal battle-sport by making the manatee the state’s  “official marine mammal.”

As you likely already know — or at least should — the Cockfight Family has long been the winningest owners in Championship Manatee Battles, a battle-sport in which sea-cows are forced to wear razor-blade gloves, glued-on daggers, and other blades about their flippers and battle to death on dry land.