King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.
Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog.
I BEEN HAVIN’ A GOOD TIME ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. WE AIN’T REALLY FIRED UP MUCH UNTIL THE REPUBLICANS STOP SUCKIN’ EACH OTHERS’ PECKERS OFF TO FIGURE OUT WHO SECRETLY WOULD LET AMERICA BE RAPED BY THE IMMIGRANTS MORE, BUT I BEEN TONGUE-KISSED BY A LOT OF MY SUPPORTERS’ COMMON LAW WIVES AT FLEAS MARKETS THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND THEY AIN’T NOTHIN’ QUEER ABOUT THAT.
AND WHILE I REAL HAPPY ABOUT HOW PEOPLE RESPONDED TO OUR MESSAGE ‘BOUT MAKIN’ AMERICA MORE LIKE ALABAMA, I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH MISSISSIPPI!
COCKFIGHT FAMILY VOICES SUPPORT FOR STATEWIDE ‘VOTE’ ON THE LEGALITY OF GAMBLING, ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF MASSIVE 500-MACHINE COCKFIGHT FAMILY BINGO HALL NEAR NATURAL BRIDGE
You knew we were going to do this eventually, lessers.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most profitable political clans, today formally urged State leaders to end the ongoing and pointless gambling controversy by assembling a statewide vote on the issue as soon as possible.
In a probably related move, the Family also announced plans to build “Oglethorpe’s Claw,” a luxurious casino electronic bingo hall with over 500 machines located off the future I-22 near Natural Bridge.
NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – Members of the Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most begrudging political clans, today formally announced their individual enemies lists for 2010, a beloved and statutorily required holiday reading tradition for West Alabama and Mississippi families for more than 60 years.
The Family has spent much of their time compiling their lists for the past month and, because of the advent of failed politico King Cockfight’s Weblog, is proud to publish them on the Internet for the first time.*
Individual Family members’ enemies, with explanations in their own words, follow. These people are encouraged not to enter the Cockfights’ traditional home in Winston County for the next year lest they wish to suffer a valuable, teachable smiting.
2012 presidential candidate for the ‘NO DAMN IMMIGRANTS!’ Party
THE IMMIGRANTS!: ONE OF THEM FUCKED MY WIFE. NOW THEY WANT TO FUCK MY LAND. I’M THE ONLY ONE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING THE FUCKING. STAY ON LORNA ROAD OR YOU’LL MEET MY GLORIOUS SHOTGUN!
S. TRUETT CATHY: FUCK THAT BALD SMILEY CHICK-FIL-FUCK FOR MOVING ON THE IDEA OF A CHRISTIAN-THEMED CHICKEN RESTAURANT BEFORE I DID. RELIGI-CHICKEN WOULD’VE BEEN HUGE. SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD’VE BEEN STUFFING THEIR FACES WITH BATTERED CHRIST NUGGETS WHILE PRAYING AT THE ALTAR I COULD’VE BEEN A MULTI-BILLIONAIRE. BUT CERTAIN GEORGIA FUCKERS HAD TO FRANCHISE A FEW YEARS EARLIER THAN I DID SO I HAD TO TRY THE CHRIST TACOS RESTAURANT CHAIN INSTEAD. AND THAT DIDN’T WORK OUT — PROBABLY BECAUSE SOUR CREAM DOESN’T REMIND PEOPLE OF CHRISTIAN IT REMINDS THEM OF CUM. PEARLY-WHITE CUM! AND IT’S ALL S. TRUETT CATHY’S FAULT! PLUS CATHOLICISM IS THEIR RELIGION!
LOU DOBBS: I HAD THE IDEA OF RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST THE IMMIGRANT RAPE-HORDES FIRST, YOU BLOATED, POMPOUS CAMERA FUCKER! Continue reading →
Guest post by Brewer T. Alberts III
Cockfight Family Historian
Greetings! While Master King Cockfight is away belatedly celebrating his birthday in what surely shall be a a night of hard drinking, loose-ish women, and waking up in a puddle of his own tears on the witness stand in the Scopes Monkey Trial courtroom, he and other members of the Cockfight Family have seen fit that I share a tale that stirred in my mind and their collective, expert political brains a several weeks ago by provocative statements made on the Legislature floor by State Representative Alvin Holmes of Montgomery about a planned attempt on his life for his supposed role in breaking up a scandalous drug ring operating out of the Alabama State House.
I am happy to say that after several weeks of surely tireless research by Master Jamison E. Cockfight III, a prominent Birmingham attorney, that the Cockfight Family or any of its companies, foundations, and subsidiaries and such had no involvement in Holmes’ allegations — in spite questioning from corners of Montgomery law enforcement surprisingly well-read on the Family’s more scandalous history.
That scandalous history is what I’m writing to tell you about it today, gentle readers. It is regarded among Cockfights as one of the most shaming moments of the Family’s history and — quite ambivalently — among it’s most proudest, as it involves one of the few Cockfights since Family patriarch and historically-considered serial killer Oglethorpe Cockfight to hold elected office.
His name was Righteous Rutherford Bullmason Cockfight, Jr. and he served as The Free State of Winston’s state Senator in during the days of decadence and jazz and prohibition before being removed from office at dawning of the previous Great Depression.
The more keen-eyed of my literally twos of readers will have noticed that my family and not I have done much of the posting of late.
This is mainly because I have a lot of work to catch up on at my part-time job at The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind. And let me tell you what: Those fuckers in Pigeon Forge will not give up my Family’s corpses without a fight.
But I have also been busy with my cousin Jamison Cockfight III, a prominent Birmingham attorney, putting together the law degrees our Family purchased from the University of Alabama for us to figure out whether I could potentially face any charges for the drunken jaunt my friends and I recently took through Mississippi.
Turns out we’re clean, so below you will find a roadmap of all the experiences I took notes on or have half-remembered in recent days to limit my culpability in several alleged crimes in the far-too-exploitable state to Alabama’s left.
(I recommend you click on view larger map to get the full, chronological experience.)
If you don’t recall why I took the trip, every year me and my friends who worked on one of Mark Montiel‘s attorney general campaigns take a trip to celebrate the immediate natural reaction to having slaved on a losing political campaign — becoming as inebriated as humanly possible and doing things of questionable legality in another state.
I hope you enjoy reading about our adventures. I know I enjoyed them.
More than two-thirds of Tennessee residents polled — 70 percent — said they had heard or read jokes about the new president’s race. One out of six admitted to cracking a racist joke themselves. Only 15 percent said they thought such jokes were funny.
‘Those results don’t make a lot of sense,’ said MTSU Poll Director Ken Blake. ‘Two-thirds of the people say they’ve heard these jokes, but most say they aren’t telling them and most say they don’t enjoy them. Then where are the jokes coming from?’
Just a guess, but maybe white Republicans?
Blake was inspired to add the joke question to the survey after a series of high-profile cases of politicians whose attempts at race-oriented jokes at the president’s expense fell flat. In one case, former Tennessee GOP Chairman Chip Saltsman made headlines after he circulated a song entitled [sic] ‘Barack the Magic Negro’ to members of the Republican National Committee. The resulting furor effectively torpedoed Saltsman’s bid for the RNC chairmanship.
He should have encouraged an economic Armageddon. That goes over pretty well with the GOP rank-and-file these days, it seems.
Okay, people. When I wrote the article about racist Obama jokes circulating in Tennessee … that was not meant as an invitation to call me and leave racist Obama jokes on my voice mail.
I’ve now officially heard them all. The one about this being the United States of Africa? Heard it. The one about what the NAACP really stands for? Heard it. if I hear the one about how we’re going to have to repaint the White House one more time, I’m personally going to skew the curve of the next MTSU poll.