BETTERS’ READING: Alabama won’t jab your cooch, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with you yet.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

Having learned of the vagina's mysteries, Clay Scofield has decided to withdraw the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin' Act of 2012 for further research.

-Oh, Uncle Eagle, it turns out that fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield may be vice president yet, as he has apparently caved under pressure and plans to eliminate the cooch-jabbiness of the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.

But though the State is apparently not going to be forcing things into your vagina all willy-nilly, Clay Scofield, being Alabama’s Master of Vaginas, still has some other awful plans in mind should you and a doctor legally carry out an abortion:

It also requires the physician or technician performing the procedure to display the images and describe them to the woman, including information as to whether the fetus has died.

Physicians and technicians who failed to administer the ultrasound prior to an abortion or an attempted abortion could face up to 10 years in prison and a $15,000 fine. In addition, the law would allow the woman, the father of the fetus or the grandparents to sue the physician for “actual and punitive damages.” …

Opponents have also criticized the bill’s lack of exceptions for rape or incest; Scofield’s statement did not mention any amendments that would address those issues. The statement also did not mention any changes to the lawsuit provisions, which critics have claimed would allow a rapist to sue a doctor who aborted his victim’s baby.

Finally, a victory for the rape lobby! #RapistRightsNowYall #OpenlyRepresentedBySomeoneOtherThanAMidsizedFirmAdvertisingOnFinebaum #ItsComing

-Look, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. isn’t saying that your kids’ health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people. That’s a liberal distortion.

He’s saying that your children’s health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people and creating new State subsidies for those rich people to maybe perhaps kind of sort of create jobs at one point or another at a future point maybe.

Free market, y’all.

BETTERS’ READING: Shake that ass at the Germans before Coffee County takes it away.

Things that people who are better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-ThyssenKrupp, the German company that Alabama tossed millions at to build its steel plant in Mobile County, is considering selling that steel plant because it loses a lot of money. State leaders’ immediate response was to dial the nearest European manufacturer on FaceTime and press their genitals to the camera as directed, no matter how bizarre and tawdry.

-Oh my God Coffee County has a grant for a tire recycling program that the private sector cannot sustain because that’s how government works but holy crap its really somehow like Solyndra (really! Solyndra!) because they are “Alabama’s most out of control County Commission.” #FreeElba

-First of all, God-less liberal lesser press, the correct term is and always will be “chicken combat”—if we lose our trademark on the Edible Confederate Flags, we will fuck you up. Second of all, as owners of a maker of chicken combat implements and training videos, we will stand once again in the way of those who would force koala-man marriage upon us and penalize America’s third grandest and most noble animal bloodsport (behind manatee fights and hog-dog rodeos) into nonexistence in Alabama. And if you don’t believe us, our side has hired Ken Guin as lobbyist—and a crocodile ate and replaced the real Ken Guin three years ago. Try convincing one of nature’s most brutal reptilian death machines that your cause is viable, rooster-coddlers!

-Left in Alabama humors us all by not only somewhat pretending that Mo Brooks will lose AL-05, but that a black Huntsville City Councilman could win the congressional district housing the Land of Olive Garden-Consuming Carpetbagger Whitey that is Madison County.

-Heaven may think it has hired the best football coach in Joe Paterno, but that assumption overlooks the strength of Hell after Bear Bryant has been recruiting for them without NCAA or moral restrictions for more than thirty years.

The magic ingredient, you see, is Jesus.

In Alabama, inauguration day is a time to bring together disparate political factions to move forward, a moment to celebrate the State’s history and look forward to taking the next step that will probably push Jefferson County further to bankruptcy together, and above all else, an opportunity, taken quickly by freshly inaugurated Governor Dr. Doctor Robert Bentley Dr. yesterday, to renew the State’s commitment to its motto:

“Y’all all going to Hell when you die!”

Do the Dew.

Without an explicit douchebag to vote against, Alabama Congressional District Five is probably really confusing to North Alabama people. And without a runoff to keep the memory fresh, Huntsville people specifically have likely replaced any understanding of the race in their minds by memorizing Olive Garden menus, continuing to embrace their unquenchable need to buy things, and lusty thoughts about Jerry Hayes’ mustache.

So how do you catch them up and get them ready for the fall?

Today I submit an explanation of the race for voters through the one thing that people in North Alabama know better than anything else: Mountain Dew, or more specifically, this summer’s Mountain Dew “Dewmocracy” challenge.

A collection of random primary crap.

In no particular order:

“I CARES ABOUT VOTING! WHY AREN’T PEOPLES VOTING?!”
People will be complaining all day about voter turnout. Turnout is usually anemic during primaries. Yes, people all across the country have been talking about our primaries. They don’t live here. They haven’t moved here. And if they did, they probably wouldn’t have gotten here in time to vote.

I’m thinking that turnout will improve as the day goes on — the lines always seem longer near the end of the day when I usually drag myself away from my tacos and my Battlestar Galactica DVDs — but if it doesn’t, blame Memorial  Day.

“Yeah, I should go and vote but … I was off yesterday.”

Also keep in mind that 70%¹ of Alabamians don’t know that a primary is going on or that they can vote in it — regardless of the fact that there have been goddamned ads on every five minutes since January. Of that number, 30% think that the federal government requires them to eat a ferret to vote in an open primary if they’re not a self-identifying Democrat or Republican.

It’s just part of their unconstitutional tyranny. Along with the “having to pay taxes” part.

Don’t be surprised if Artur Davis loses and it’s because of the black vote.
All Alabama voters are wary of progress, no matter how historic and important that progress is to them. Wariness over Davis being a bit of a political outsider in Alabama is why the black Democratic leadership and the Democratic establishment haven’t gotten behind him — all part of the Alabama Democratic Party’s ongoing promise to voters: “Yeah, we’re the progressive, working class, and black people party, as long as it doesn’t get in the way of us trying to keep the political machine that locked down this State politically until the eighties on life support. We like having money and jobs, assholes.”

You’re not invited.

DEAR RESIDENTS OF WEST ALABAMA:

YOU ARE ORDERED, UNDER THE 1901 CONSTITUTION OF THE STATE OF ALABAMA — “THE GILDED BULLET” — TO STAY AWAY FROM THE STRUCTURE PLAYFULLY KNOWN AS THE SHONEY’S OF REFORM — A TOWN THAT ACTUALLY HAS NO SHONEY’S OR REFORM — AS THE COCKFIGHT FAMILY PROUDLY AND LOUDLY CELEBRATES ITS ANNUAL “WE REALLY CARE ABOUT THE TROOPS!” FAMILY GATHERING AND COOK-OUT. NOT OBEYING THIS ORDER IS PUNISHABLE BY A THREE-YEAR PRISON SENTENCE, THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN BEING A LEGISLATOR WHO SITS NEAR SCOTT BEASON.

BUT, UNDER THE SAME PUNISHMENT, YOU MUST READ THE FOLLOWING AGENDA FOR THE EVENT AND WALLOW.

YOU WILL WALLOW.

IT’S YOUR DUTY LESSER!

Love (But Not Really),

The Cockfight Family

Agenda

2010 Cockfight Family “We Really Care About the Troops” Memorial Day Reunion  and Cook-Out
(Please note: Promised special appearance by Gary Coleman canceled.)

Keep an eye out.

The Cockfight Family has compiled the following 2011 watchlist for the coveted Friends of the Cockfight Family Steely Dan Fan Club “Alabama Politics Asshole of the Year” Award.

The list is not presented in any sort of order or priority — because the Cockfights are assholes too:

More than a feeling.

PRESS RELEASE

March 17, 2010

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ENCOURAGES RON SPARKS’ MUSTACHE TO FIND A BETTER HOME AS ‘CAMPAIGN’ FLAILS

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most facial hair supporting-est political clans, today formally urged radical Leftist Agricultural Commissioner Ron Sparks’ manly mustache to move on after the Democrat’s campaign pissily accused Webloggers this week of being paid off by Congressman Artur Davis’ campaign to criticize Sparks.

“Campaigns tend to get more than a little snippy when things start looking grim,” said King Cockfight, a Georgetown-educated failed political consultant and alleged Weblogger. “But sending a ‘press release’ that reads like a paranoid internal e-mail written by a college intern accusing one of the State’s ten surviving pure liberals with an Internet connection of plagiarism because they think your campaign is doing a shitty job in randomly accusing your rival of being on the take with Big Oil, well, that’s what we like to call, in technical terms, Defcom Bloodshit.

“What, was The Atmore Advance too busy writing about someone buying a new rake to return your calls?”

The Cockfight Family has long been deeply disappointed in Sparks campaign because it has wasted its biggest political strength: Sparks’ finely-kempt, throwback North Alabama mustache.

“Ron Sparks’ mustache reminds me of a day when everything was right in the world — a time when we didn’t have to worry about undesirable interbreeding, largely because costs kept the poor out of college and therefore you wouldn’t have to worry about some filthy lesser being bluntly dipped into your Family’s socioeconomically-pure gene pool,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist and former Reagan administration  staffer. “Thankfully, those days will be here again soon enough, and I somewhat saw Sparks’ wonderful mustache as a harbinger of such a return to glory.

“Unfortunately, it attached itself to the wrong candidate.”

Losing the mustache would surely be a crippling, if not fatal blow to the Sparks’ campaign, given that Sparks was able to acquire a $500,000 loan largely off the strength of the mustache’s exemplary credit.

But it could also be a boon to the mustache’s own political career. While courts have not resolved whether or not a mustache can run for office without being attached to a human under Alabama’s racist 1901 Constitution, facial hair can start their own PACs, as settled by Worley v. Roger Bedford’s Five O’clock Shadow (2004).

Given the flushness of its MustachePAC, Sparks’ ‘stache could become the political free agent who can single-hairedly decide the 2010 gubernatorial race in choosing its new home.

Below, the Cockfight Family has provided a list of suggested candidates with whom Sparks’ mustache could team. The Cockfights, in respect to the mustache’s own bushy political savvy, endorses none of the options below, but it does entreaty the mustache to decide to move on soon:

Hanksturbation: ‘Be prayer.’

Now, back to making fun of the Twitter account of city-condemning State Senator Hank Erwin, a pro-life-blooded lieutenant governor candidate:

The night before battle. Tomorrow I lay my political career on the line to stop gambling in Alabama. Pray!!!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EXTRA SELF-RIGHTEOUS SENATOR HANK DOES THINGS HE NORMALLY WOULD DO AS A REPUBLICAN IN A STATE PARTY THAT IS ATTACKING GAMBLING TO DRAIN A TRADITIONALLY DEMOCRATIC FUNDING BASE BUT MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT BECAUSE HE’S AN EMPTY, PROPPED-UP CANDIDATE FOR LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! HANK WILL  LOSE BY 2-1 MARGIN AT THE POLLS IN NOVEMBER, BUT SELF-RIGHTEOUS SENATOR HANK THINKS THAT BY MAKING A BIGGER DEAL OUT OF EVERYTHING SOMEONE MIGHT PRETEND HE’S A REAL CANDIDATE INSTEAD OF SOMETHING BEAR-CANDIDATE JIM FOLSOM JR. ELECTORALLY MAULS FOR AMUSEMENT AND BEAR-PLAY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! ONLY ELECTORAL EFFECT OF MY RUN IS THAT CAM WARD GETS A BETTER PARKING SPACE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PRAY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! PRAY FOR CAM WARD’S BETTER PARKING SPACE! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Roundup: Frenchie wants a starving death at Greenetrack to name your building and go “Moo.”

Rounding up a bunch of shit I’m too lazy to actually put into a post.

Australian AG doesn’t want T.K. to kill scuba wife death guy.
Which is like asking a zebra not have stripes or Roy Moore not to pass out while attempting to exorcise the “smart demons” from a Rubik’s cube — stuff that just can’t and won’t happen.

Especially since it’s an election year.

The French like them some of that Alabama business hotness.
The Cockfight Family’s quasi-thoughts on such state-whoring matters were shared long ago, but I mainly include this just for this surprised looking photo of some French guy.

There are more starving people in North Alabama.
The best response to questions about problems such as this? SMALL BUSINESS TAX CUTS!

Yes sir. Yes sir.

Stimulus opponents such as cow-ass sovereignty defender Robert Aderholt seek federal projects green.
But you see, they weren’t born in Kenya.

Greensboro State Senator wants to strip the Governor of criminal and civil investigative authority to end De-Gamblification Task Force, protect Greenetrack.
That might sound like a broad overreaction that could have dangerous long-term consequences that is likely doomed to fail in the Legislature and could probably, with a decent amount of play-up, polarize voters against Democrats in the fall elections.

But Greenetrack pays you money.

Greenetrack pays you money.

Auburn could slash naming rights on campus buildings.
SCORE!

Finally I can realize the dream of the King Cockfight is Mad Bitchin’ Quad Center (or KCiMB [kay-sim] Center, as the kids will call it when they have to go to bursar services). Nothing makes me more proud to finally have a random building named after me on a campus I have never taken a class at, never plan to study or teach at, and generally deride on regular, shockingly consistent basis.

Of course, I’m not as proud as Uncle Carter will be if his plans to buy the rights for the Carter Cockfight Pat Dye is a Cheating Asshole Wrong-Way Bo ROLL TIDE Child Study Center work out.