BETTERS’ READING: Oh God, what have you done, Alabama?

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Roy Moore’s back.

And when you read that fawning Daily Caller piece, you know how this is going to go.

Things ain’t Jesus like they used to be.

And we dare make this into some sort of libertarian battle even though it is the complete opposite of such.

Even though Republicans, Democrats, and everybody with a brain here are embarrassed to hell and back this morning.

-Meanwhile, meet Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon, the Democratic challenger Moore will surely thump to hell this fall—perhaps literally.

Mr. Lyon, however, says that reports of him being a chocolate-pouring vandal who is into killing illegal immigrants are totally false:

The fantasy story about me is totally false and only the most gullible of readers will take it seriously. It is true I was shot in the neck by a neighbor who I found out was selling illegal drugs to minors in the neighborhood and when I confronted him about it, he shot me in the neck and tried to justify it by pouring syrup on his freind’s car and was indicted by a Shelby County Grand Jury for attempted murder. After being aquitted due to an incompetent state prosecutor, he was found dead in his front yard from an apparent drug overdose. Being in intensive care for approximately one month with both my vocal cords shot out and being unable to speak, others believed Mr. Black’s story and hence the satirical article written by “anonymous”.

All right.

After posting his phone number, he then adds this:

The statements I made about the illegal immigration issue were facetious but Alabama’s newspaper writers aren’t the brightest lightbulbs in the factory, especially those who write for the Montgomery Advertiser.

Sure, obviously, you want to joke about killing people and committing genocide when you run for office. Stupid media for not getting the joke!

And I’m sure that whole “They gonna blow up the Galleria” thing was just a joke too and not at all inappropriate to say on television when running for governor.

Oh, and he is guaranteeing his election.

Mr. Moore has no chance of winning the November 6th General Election as I received over a million votes in a failed bid for a seat on the Alabama Supreme Court while Moore received 266,000 votes last night.

Clearly, both of those conditions will be duplicated on November 6.

ELECTION MORNING READING: ‘THINGS AIN’T HORSEY-JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.

Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.

-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.

Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.

…

Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?

Goddammit.

-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.

I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.

I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

Bad things are going to start happening soon.

Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…

-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.

But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.

In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side  of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.

As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.

And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.

No one, dammit.

BETTERS’ READING: Alabama won’t jab your cooch, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with you yet.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

Having learned of the vagina's mysteries, Clay Scofield has decided to withdraw the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin' Act of 2012 for further research.

-Oh, Uncle Eagle, it turns out that fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield may be vice president yet, as he has apparently caved under pressure and plans to eliminate the cooch-jabbiness of the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.

But though the State is apparently not going to be forcing things into your vagina all willy-nilly, Clay Scofield, being Alabama’s Master of Vaginas, still has some other awful plans in mind should you and a doctor legally carry out an abortion:

It also requires the physician or technician performing the procedure to display the images and describe them to the woman, including information as to whether the fetus has died.

Physicians and technicians who failed to administer the ultrasound prior to an abortion or an attempted abortion could face up to 10 years in prison and a $15,000 fine. In addition, the law would allow the woman, the father of the fetus or the grandparents to sue the physician for “actual and punitive damages.” …

Opponents have also criticized the bill’s lack of exceptions for rape or incest; Scofield’s statement did not mention any amendments that would address those issues. The statement also did not mention any changes to the lawsuit provisions, which critics have claimed would allow a rapist to sue a doctor who aborted his victim’s baby.

Finally, a victory for the rape lobby! #RapistRightsNowYall #OpenlyRepresentedBySomeoneOtherThanAMidsizedFirmAdvertisingOnFinebaum #ItsComing

-Look, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. isn’t saying that your kids’ health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people. That’s a liberal distortion.

He’s saying that your children’s health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people and creating new State subsidies for those rich people to maybe perhaps kind of sort of create jobs at one point or another at a future point maybe.

Free market, y’all.

I believe you and I have different definitions of racism, black Jefferson County legislators.

Not racist.

So you know that whole referring-to-black-people-in-Greene-County-as-”aborigines” thing, the immigration bill that all-but requires the harassment of racially different schoolchildren that are legal citizens, the discussion of using free food and public transportation because they’re like black voters’ kryptonite that was probably the much more objectionable part of the “aborigines” tape that Scott Beason made knowing it would probably be played in open court?

Don’t worry about it.

Birmingham Representative John Rogers, along with three other black members of the Jefferson County legislative delegation, says ol’ Scott ain’t no racist:

ASDFafajsdla;fjda;lsfja;lsdkfjasdfwjoierjepwarioealaksdfjdlakfjblwa

Oh, sorry, that’s just what John Rogers sounds like to the untrained ear because he talks funny. Here’s what he actually said last week:

“I felt like Scott was getting a raw deal,” state Rep. John Rogers, D-Birmingham, said in an interview this afternoon.

Rogers and state Reps. Mary Moore and Juandalynn Givan, both Birmingham Democrats, signed a letter saying in part, “We know the man and Scott is not a racist.”

He’s just hyperracist, right?

Right?

BETTERS’ READING: The devil you know.

Self-interested? Well, yeah.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Of course the Antichrist lives in Alabaster! Why do you think they got a Full Moon Bar-B-Que?

-Richard Shelby appears to have secured earmarks for his own benefit. Your point?

-I would be shocked if Hyundai, Mercedes, or any big foreign manufacturer in Alabama got publicly involved in the battle to get rid of the immigration law, but you can bet that they have been pressuring the heck out of the State’s leadership for months behind the scenes.

-No, no, no, the fact that she speaks broken, stereotyped English is a sign that their education system is better than ours, not that we’re mocking Chinese people! Though we are!

-Is it just me or is this slowly but surely turning into one of the more insular and pointlessly dick-swinging issues in Alabama politics? Besides, Jesus wants their pay to be high.

-”Sure, I’m saying that I’m switching parties to do the best for my district because Democrats are no longer the majority party in Alabama, but I don’t do quid pro quo!”

BETTERS’ READING: Black people—HERE.

Still here.

Things people better than you lessers have been reading.

-Did you know that there are still black people in Alabama, y’all?!

-But Christ how we treat them like shit!

-”I just mean you need more balance and y’all totally misunderstood that fucktarded thing I said about teachers and the Bible, y’all.”

-Former gubernatorial candidate and perpetual Flaming Shit-Cloud of Death Tim James is backing Roy Moore’s bid to return as Alabama Chief Justice. Let the forces of Republican Politicians No One Gives a Fuck About Anymore unite!

-Alabama’s roads are fucked up, but we’re not going to pay more for gas to fix them. In other words, we hope you all had the same foresight as the Cockfight Family to invest in rickshaws pulled by men on motorcycles for when I-65 South crumbles into a twisted mockery of an interstate—well, more so than it already is.

Just kidding.

We never hope anything good happens for you lessers!

-Folks, we already have a Guy Hunt Museum, and I enjoy peeing there.

WE’VE AD ENOUGH 2012: Bamboozled.

An exclusive first look at the first print ads for Spencer Bachus' re-election campaign.

It’s hard to tell sometimes if Alabama’s politicians are really that stupid — well… okay, they are.

But you know who’s usually stupider? The people who make the candidates’ election year ads.

Over the weekend, Congressman Spencer Bachus made the first ad buy of the cycle in the race for the Sixth Congressional District. Below we take a look at what dry, cut-and-paste message he sent in the thirty seconds he purchased to tell why he should remain the representative of Alabama’s Douche-Belt.

::Your wall bursts apart and crumbles, from the heap arises a loud and profane Scott Beason…::

WOOOO SHIT!

BETTERS’ READING: Be careful with letting your kids get that learning or become Finnish fetal delicacies. Also: MUSLIMS EVERYWHERE!

These fuckers got it way too easy.

Things that people who are better than you worthless lessers have been reading to start your morning.

-You can get as many influential people as you want behind dropping the mandatory school attendance age to 6 in Alabama, but you’re costing the State economy billions by allowing them to get that learnin’ in them. And that’s why we support Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr.’s plan to eliminate public education in Alabama. #ReturntoGreatness

-You might think that Alabama’s leaders won’t have to do quite as many perverted things if ThyssenKrupp merges its steel-making business with a Finnish company. If so, you greatly underestimate the depravity of the Finnish people. #VilliStyle #YogurtEverywhere

-This could be another crippling blow for America’s already reeling fetal sausage industry.

-Cam Ward will defend Alabama’s courts from—LOL—the threat of Sharia Ninja Muslim Law like he defended his parking space at the Statehouse.

-Someone still gives a fuck about Glenn Beck, and they are very upset with their being lesbians and Democrats on Fox News now instead. They say lesbians, in particular, are bad role models—what with their rampant use of gay in its aerosol form.

-Just in case you forgot, we got dead slaves everywhere ’round here.

Voice of the people.

Patented Inane Bullshit Applicator...

As we work toward the assured disappointment of the 2012 Legislative Session, Alabama’s deplorable legislative leaders have visited with the people stupid enough to elect them and pretended to listen to the crazy crap they want lawmakers to do this year.

Here are some quotes from constituents at recent legislative town halls held across the state.

-”I love what you’ve done with immigration, but I don’t think it goes far enough. Tell me, what are y’all’s plans for finally dealing with the black ones…?”

BETTERS’ READING: Jeff Foxworthy will teach your children how to discriminate against MoonPies, you goddamn ridiculous Southern caricature, you.

This has been more costly and pointless than Biloxi's Bathe-in-RC Valentine's Day Jubilee.

Things that people who are better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Fucking MoonPies.

-I’m sure you’ve read it several times over by now, but Newt’s Spaaaaaace Cooooast public masturbation fit yesterday afternoon is such a moment of unchecked ego and bombast that you really have to continue to behold it.

-Your sweatshirt is just too gay for Brookwood High School.

-When you you read the Huffington Post headline in a couple years about an absurd sentence being handed out for someone stealing a bunch of manhole covers or copper things from a graveyard—strange but true thing, some people don’t know taking things off graves is stealing because, um, lack of zombie comeuppance, I guess—look back at this story. The copper theft bill is otherwise fairly reasonable when you look at its practical legal effect (making the value of what is stolen measurable off the repair cost, which often dwarfs the value of the wire stolen by wire thieves), but making stealing manhole covers and copper grave decorations a felony? Shit, are we planning on farming all the people in our overpacked prisons for blood at some point? Somebody’s got to pay for this somehow.

-Huzzah to government and private companies actually getting something done in Hackleburg here in my neck of the woods, I just wish I didn’t have to permanently associate the product with Brett Favre’s penis.

-It may be a few more months yet before we figure out exactly how Alabama’s legislators will strip away black voters’ voices for the next decade.

-Warning, kids: Based on the subject matter, the final will be bullshit. But hey, whatever keeps you from burning churches.

-My God, Steve Harvey has aged poorly. Though be forewarned, this has-been-comedians-as-principals thing will only lead to Larry the Cable Guy as the Superintendent of Lauderdale County Schools. (This has already happened, most likely.) (#BacktoBackDayLauderdaleCountyJokeAchievementUnlocked.)

-But, but AirTran and the Huntsville Airport were a match made in Suck Heaven! You know, the place right next to Mediocrity Purgatory! You know! Down by the old outlet malls in Boaz!