BETTERS’ READING: We got sweet, sweet corrupt influence, y’all.

Things people better than you have been reading.

-It was a great week without you lesser losers, last week. While you were busy listening to that whore dolphin Cal Alabaster Jr.’s ramblings about who is important in Alabama, the bingo trials ended without one damn conviction and the Republican presidential candidates started courting power brokers such as ourselves to secure them a victory in tomorrow’s primaries.

So, from the bottom of my sphincter, fuck you all. We’re in charge, and don’t you forget it.

-Speaking of the bingo trial, the prosecution’s ultimate failing was walking up to the blurry line between transactional politics and straight-up bribery and just hanging out there. One can only hope that the Supreme Court will take up Don Siegelman’s appeal and determine what is and is not a bribe, so that America can finally understand in some tiny way what it means to have Alabama’s political shame define them all.

-An aging Alabama population needs an immigrant slave-class to keep them afloat? Sounds like it’s time to return to greatness.

-This hasn’t been an easy Douche-Belt re-election campaign for Spencer Bachus. He’s actually had to campaign and everything. Meanwhile, Scott Beason can count to ten and has played the board game Monopoly.

-Your morning lies at Weld: Christ frequently visits the Alabama Senate—his name is Hank Sanders. Gay contraception and forced federal grandmother AIDS infection must stop now.

UPDATED: Scott Beason may have actually thought about attempting campaigning this cycle. Maybe.

"Fart. Fart. Fart. I like writing 'fart.' Fart. Fart. Fart."

UPDATED 1 p.m.: Beason’s campaign has officially posted up these ads, and I have hopefully resolved any problems with the videos embedded below. The ads are still terrible.

Jim over at This Is Alabama has done the unthinkable and actually unearthed evidence that Scott Beason is campaigning in the form of two ads that do not appear to have gotten any actual TV play in Alabama’s Douche-Belt:

Jim makes a decent case for Beason making it into a runoff with “White Mexican” Spencer Bachus even despite his invisible campaign thanks to a crowded primary. On that point, I’d even speculate that Beason may think he’s doing a decent job on the ground—something that it isn’t always apparent but is just effective in getting you a position to win via a runoff (See Gov. Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr., 2010 GOP gubernatorial primary). And if Beason wanted to sit on these ads and avoid rolling out a fuller campaign until a runoff—presumably at a time when he will have raised enough money to compete with Bachus’ $1 million war chest—that would be shockingly logical.

Even still, these ads are freakin’ terrible.

I believe you and I have different definitions of racism, black Jefferson County legislators.

Not racist.

So you know that whole referring-to-black-people-in-Greene-County-as-”aborigines” thing, the immigration bill that all-but requires the harassment of racially different schoolchildren that are legal citizens, the discussion of using free food and public transportation because they’re like black voters’ kryptonite that was probably the much more objectionable part of the “aborigines” tape that Scott Beason made knowing it would probably be played in open court?

Don’t worry about it.

Birmingham Representative John Rogers, along with three other black members of the Jefferson County legislative delegation, says ol’ Scott ain’t no racist:

ASDFafajsdla;fjda;lsfja;lsdkfjasdfwjoierjepwarioealaksdfjdlakfjblwa

Oh, sorry, that’s just what John Rogers sounds like to the untrained ear because he talks funny. Here’s what he actually said last week:

“I felt like Scott was getting a raw deal,” state Rep. John Rogers, D-Birmingham, said in an interview this afternoon.

Rogers and state Reps. Mary Moore and Juandalynn Givan, both Birmingham Democrats, signed a letter saying in part, “We know the man and Scott is not a racist.”

He’s just hyperracist, right?

Right?

BETTERS’ READING: Grounded.

Alas, this didn't grace the skies at the Super Bowl.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-RIP Walkin’ Wendell.

-Stan Pate is dropping out of the Sixth Congressional District Republican primary, and his reasons for leaving The Douche-Belt race are… reasonable?

In a statement, Pate said that when he paid a $3,800 qualifying fee on Jan. 13, he didn’t realize that his residence no longer would be in the 6th District when the state’s new congressional districts take effect next year.

Although a member of Congress isn’t required to reside in the district he or she represents, Pate said he believes it’s important for lawmakers to live in their districts.

Pate dropping out benefits known turtle-defecator Scott Beason, who probably stood to lose votes from a split insurgency to unseat Spencer “White Mexican” Bachus. Bachus still has the bank to spend—he seems to be very good with things involving money—and Beason shockingly has not thrown too many sharp elbows yet, possibly signifying he does not feel like he has the dollars to compete.

Pate is promising to still be a factor in this race somehow, so watch the skies.

Pate said he initially decided to run to provide an alternative to Beason and Bachus. He said he would remain involved.

“I intend to continue my focus on policy, helping to find solutions to the problems we face, and speaking out against phony-baloney politicians who put themselves and their careers ahead of what’s right for the country,” Pate said.

“Phony-baloney”? Look, sir, I know that you now live in the fine Congressman Robert Aderholt’s district and I don’t like what that phrase you just used there insinuates…

So, that's a Beason supporter, right?

-Speaking of The Douche-Belt, this hit site against Beason showed up in the search terms for this Weblog this weekend. Because Republican voters in way, way white, insular, and very country district will seriously turn against Beason for being racist, of course.

WE’VE AD ENOUGH 2012: Bamboozled.

An exclusive first look at the first print ads for Spencer Bachus' re-election campaign.

It’s hard to tell sometimes if Alabama’s politicians are really that stupid — well… okay, they are.

But you know who’s usually stupider? The people who make the candidates’ election year ads.

Over the weekend, Congressman Spencer Bachus made the first ad buy of the cycle in the race for the Sixth Congressional District. Below we take a look at what dry, cut-and-paste message he sent in the thirty seconds he purchased to tell why he should remain the representative of Alabama’s Douche-Belt.

::Your wall bursts apart and crumbles, from the heap arises a loud and profane Scott Beason…::

WOOOO SHIT!

THE COCKFIGHT CANDIDATE PROSPECTUS 2012: The Republican race for Alabama’s Sixth Congressional District — ‘The Douche-Belt’

Alabama's Douche-Belt.

As a public service to the lessers, who only know and do what the Cockfight Family tells them anyway, the Family has decided to share excerpts from its election-year candidate prospectus—a service that has been enjoyed by Southern politicos for a number of years.

Today, due to the attention the media is giving to the crowded Sixth Congressional District Republican Primary, the Cockfight Family shares its preview of that race, listing the advantages and disadvantages each candidate faces as well as the disadvantages articulated by a hilariously prolific part of the conversation in this race, conservative talk radio callers who actually think their opinion matters in the race for what has become termed Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”

We would share our preview of the race for the Democratic nomination for the seat, but we’re told the photo we picked out of a mutilated goat is too graphic for mass public consumption.

When drawing Alabama’s Sixth Congressional District in the early 1990s, lawmakers had a distinct problem: They needed not only a district that reflected the greater Birmingham area, but one where not so many poor and black people—who the federal government cruelly forced the State to allow to vote in congressional elections—would interfere with the election of the type of candidate they would prefer to see hold a Birmingham-area seat—i.e. a White Old-School Alabama Democrat.

They still found it so unbearable to allow black people to have a majority district that eventually a federal court had to draw a district that squeezes as much poverty and non-whiteness out of the Alabama Sixth as possible, but fits in a critical mass of Birmingham’s white-flight suburbs—an area where 82.1% of the population is white and 54.5% has an income of more than $50,000. Geographically, the result is a district that looks quite appropriately like a belt squeezing the less desirables of the region into clenched submission. Politically, the district has produced by far the douchiest of Alabama’s congressional delegation. Thus, as the area to the west of the district contains much of what has came to be called Alabama’s Black Belt—where the soil is dark and so are many of the people who were originally brought there to work it—the Sixth Congressional District has come to be affectionately known as Alabama’s “Douche-Belt.”

This year’s Republican congressional primary, however, shows that the Douche-Belt is going through a period of great douche-y upheaval. The congressional douche that has come to represent that for which the Douche-Belt stands may not be the douche that the Douche-Belt wants anymore, as a mighty young douche has emerged to challenge him.

Yet, a crowded race may mean that this new douche’s anointment as Alabama’s Douchiest Douche of Them All may not happen as a well-stocked war chest and old loyalties give the incumbent douche a palpable douchevantage in The Race for the Douche-Belt…

Passing gas.

After having been booted out of the leadership of the Alabama Senate for being a conniving, incompetent asshole, sponsoring an immigration law that fixes a problem we really didn’t have in the most hurtful and legally retarded way possible, and buttfucking Jefferson County into oblivion because his head is so far up his own ass that he is beyond out of touch with fiscal reality, there’s really only place for Scott Beason to go from here:

Up.

Beason is widely expected to declare his intentions this morning to unseat Congressman Spencer Bachus, who has ran into a popularity problem with Alabama Republicans of late for, you know, loving capitalism just a bit too much in an increasingly populist society and for not saying more batshit things about how he knows who the socialists are and has his special secret list keeping track of them.¹

What does Beason plan for his campaign and his first term in Congress when he is elected?

Proof of life.

Prove you're real-er!

Ah. The Racist Birther. Angry. Disaffected. Unable to see that this is the first non-news link that pops up when you do a Google search for “Obama birth certificate hawaii”  — or at least unwilling to read it.

And has the Press-Register found earlier this week, a quick search on Google (or Bing, if you’re gay) appears to have satisfied much of Alabama’s congressional delegation that President Kenyan is probably an actual American. Maybe not a Real American, but he was born here apparently.

Despite dumb, poorly-phrased things he has said at the delicious All-Steak, we dealt with Dick Shelby months ago. We hope he’s learned his lesson: Say nothing of value about a national “issue” while in Cullman. The dumb rays emitting there, likely from the radioactive decay of the racism that oozed from those damned signs, make everything look and sound stupider within the city limits.

And if none of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III’s personalities have questions left about Obama’s citizenship, we question why this is still an issue at all.

But that’s why there’s Robert Aderholt — who reminds you, as a side note, to stay the fuck away from that cow’s ass.

‘Oh Henry Kissinger, make sweet love to me.’

Jack Abramoff only takes his hat off for ONE THING...

Politico has this weird article about the hottest hunks in D.C.,  with Dr. Ron Paul, Rahm Emanuel, and Grover fucking Norquist (really?!) among the… hot dudes they highlighted.

(Christopher Hitchens, though? Yeah… I guess I could see that.)

This got passed around the Family last night, and we all felt like Alabama was underrepresented.

So… um…  I don’t really want to write this but, um, apparently the rest of the Family — especially my dad — thought it would be a good idea to e-mail some material to my mom so she could do some sexy write-ups of Alabama’s underrated hunks on The Hill.

And they want me to post them.

Here. Now.

…

I hate my fucking Family sometimes…

"Hi. I'm here to deliver this PORK SANDWICH."

Senator Richard Shelby: “Hey,  there big man. They may not have given you that big statue of you yet, but you’re like that sexy grandpa who can take me in your big bear-like arms and appropriate to me all. Night. Long.

“Mmm. I hope it’s an 80-20 match…”

Former Congressman Bud Cramer: “Mmmmmmm! I hope you can get the National Weather Service in Huntsville started back up, because I  want to downpour over you all night long, Buddy…”

Congressman Spencer Bachus: “Tonight I’ll give you a stimulus package you won’t complain about, cutie…”

"He's just so DANGEROUS..."

Congressman Artur Davis: “I don’t know if I should — or if I could — but I really, really want to…”

Senator Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III: “His personality that thinks it’s a Brazilian dominatrix named Alexandria can be pretty fun, I hear.”

Congressman Jo Bonner: “When I’m done with you, you won’t have an E in your last name either…”

Congressman Parker Griffith: “Who?”

Congressman Bobby Bright: “Eh… He’s still kind of the Mayor of Montgomery…. That doesn’t really do it for me…”

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs: “You may be the president’s mouthpiece, but tonight I’ll be yours…”

Despite their education policy, they do support SOME reading.

"My eye is on you. The one that isn't readin', I mean."

Republicans inside the Beltway are tearing through copies of Amity Shlaes book The Forgotten Man, which questions whether The New Deal did that much to actually fix the previous Great Depression, because they believe it proves Barack Obama’s similar government spending will not remedy the current one.

Among them, is Spencer Bachus, who would like to remind you that HE KNOWS YOU’RE A GODDAMNED SOCIALIST. HE HAS IT ON HIS SECRET LIST. HE IS GOING TO USE THAT LIST GET YOU. BIDE YOUR TIME BECAUSE HE WILL COME FOR YOU! AND SOON!

Bachus:

Rep. Spencer Bachus (R-Ala.) quoted from the book’s epigraph during a recent news conference related to the mortgage cramdown bill, referencing William Graham Sumner’s definition of the ‘forgotten man’: ‘He works; he votes; generally, he prays — but he always pays.’

‘Now, the forgotten man today is the taxpayer,” Bachus said. “It’s discussed and it’s decided that we are going to help this individual or corporation out, we propose a law, and guess what, it’s the forgotten man today who always pays for someone else’s mistake. He pays his mortgage on time, but he has to pay someone else’s mortgage.’

Other books Beltway Republicans are rockin’ these days:

• 1984 because of its upbeat prediction that scientists can one day strike down the temptation of the orgasm by removing its sensation.
• American Gods because it proves Jesus is alive and supportin’ our troops by aimlessly wandering Afghanistan. Also, the graphic, man-on-man sex scene between a Middle Eastern New York cab driver and a djinn proves that the Islamo-fascists are in line with the God-less gays.
• Everybody Poops because IT PROVES BARACK OBAMA POOPS AND THEREFORE IS EVIL! DIE LIBERALS!