‘I’M AGAINST IT’ with Carter Cockfight: ‘Y’ALL MISSISSIPPIANS AIN’T GONNA DUMP THEM IMMIGRANTS BACK ON US!’

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.

Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog.

I BEEN HAVIN’ A GOOD TIME ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. WE AIN’T REALLY FIRED UP MUCH UNTIL THE REPUBLICANS STOP SUCKIN’ EACH OTHERS’ PECKERS OFF TO FIGURE OUT WHO SECRETLY WOULD LET AMERICA BE RAPED BY THE IMMIGRANTS MORE, BUT I BEEN TONGUE-KISSED BY A LOT OF MY SUPPORTERS’ COMMON LAW WIVES AT FLEAS MARKETS THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND THEY AIN’T NOTHIN’ QUEER ABOUT THAT.

AND WHILE I REAL HAPPY ABOUT HOW PEOPLE RESPONDED TO OUR MESSAGE ‘BOUT MAKIN’ AMERICA MORE LIKE ALABAMA, I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH MISSISSIPPI!

Y’ALL AIN’T GONNA DUMP NO WIFE-FUCKIN’ IMMIGRANTS BACK ON US, YOU DELTA DRAWL GO-TARDS!

I believe you and I have different definitions of racism, black Jefferson County legislators.

Not racist.

So you know that whole referring-to-black-people-in-Greene-County-as-”aborigines” thing, the immigration bill that all-but requires the harassment of racially different schoolchildren that are legal citizens, the discussion of using free food and public transportation because they’re like black voters’ kryptonite that was probably the much more objectionable part of the “aborigines” tape that Scott Beason made knowing it would probably be played in open court?

Don’t worry about it.

Birmingham Representative John Rogers, along with three other black members of the Jefferson County legislative delegation, says ol’ Scott ain’t no racist:

ASDFafajsdla;fjda;lsfja;lsdkfjasdfwjoierjepwarioealaksdfjdlakfjblwa

Oh, sorry, that’s just what John Rogers sounds like to the untrained ear because he talks funny. Here’s what he actually said last week:

“I felt like Scott was getting a raw deal,” state Rep. John Rogers, D-Birmingham, said in an interview this afternoon.

Rogers and state Reps. Mary Moore and Juandalynn Givan, both Birmingham Democrats, signed a letter saying in part, “We know the man and Scott is not a racist.”

He’s just hyperracist, right?

Right?

Bracing for embarrassment from the Alabama Legislature.

"WE SHOWED Y'ALL ORIGINAL WHITE MEXICANS!"

The Alabama Legislature opens its 2012 session today. As usual, virtually nothing of value will probably be accomplished, but people keep recommending basic competence anyway.

The only thing certain from this session is that lawmakers will put their heads together and strive as hard as they can to embarrass the lot of us through their bills, through their actions, and through their rhetoric.

But how?

Here’s some of the ways the Legislature could conceivably embarrass us this year.

BETTERS’ READING: Grounded.

Alas, this didn't grace the skies at the Super Bowl.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-RIP Walkin’ Wendell.

-Stan Pate is dropping out of the Sixth Congressional District Republican primary, and his reasons for leaving The Douche-Belt race are… reasonable?

In a statement, Pate said that when he paid a $3,800 qualifying fee on Jan. 13, he didn’t realize that his residence no longer would be in the 6th District when the state’s new congressional districts take effect next year.

Although a member of Congress isn’t required to reside in the district he or she represents, Pate said he believes it’s important for lawmakers to live in their districts.

Pate dropping out benefits known turtle-defecator Scott Beason, who probably stood to lose votes from a split insurgency to unseat Spencer “White Mexican” Bachus. Bachus still has the bank to spend—he seems to be very good with things involving money—and Beason shockingly has not thrown too many sharp elbows yet, possibly signifying he does not feel like he has the dollars to compete.

Pate is promising to still be a factor in this race somehow, so watch the skies.

Pate said he initially decided to run to provide an alternative to Beason and Bachus. He said he would remain involved.

“I intend to continue my focus on policy, helping to find solutions to the problems we face, and speaking out against phony-baloney politicians who put themselves and their careers ahead of what’s right for the country,” Pate said.

“Phony-baloney”? Look, sir, I know that you now live in the fine Congressman Robert Aderholt’s district and I don’t like what that phrase you just used there insinuates…

So, that's a Beason supporter, right?

-Speaking of The Douche-Belt, this hit site against Beason showed up in the search terms for this Weblog this weekend. Because Republican voters in way, way white, insular, and very country district will seriously turn against Beason for being racist, of course.

The turtle and the harebrained.

I'm so sorry Mr. Turtle. I'm so very sorry for what Scott Beason is about to do to you...

Alabama’s unemployment rate is now below the national average, settling at 8.1 percent. At first glance, it is good news, but many have been willing to acknowledge that the figures may be gilded statistics due to the likelihood that the rate has dropped in large part due to seasonal hiring and unemployed workers exiting the hiring market.

Making improvements to Alabama’s economy is difficult at the moment because industry leaders have been spooked by Alabama’s harsh immigration law. Not because they want to employ illegal immigrants here, but because the over-the-top, poorly drafted “We hate Mexicans” bill was the equivalent of the State telling the world that we are all foaming at the mouth, putting on war paint, and firing any ordinance we can find at everyone who looks different than the rest of us. Because the global economy embraces diversity, such behavior is not very attractive to corporate leaders.

After repeated embarrassments following the law taking effect, State leaders have promised to change the law to make corporations less wary while still catering to the people who elected them, voters who remain quite convinced that brown people who speak Spanish are, in some ill-defined way, the cause of many of their personal problems.

The task with which legislators must deal necessitates that they strike a very precarious balance, and success will take tact and an intelligent assessment of what is really causing the things that benefit and ail Alabama.

Meanwhile, over at Fucktard Mountain in Gardendale…

Voice of the people.

Patented Inane Bullshit Applicator...

As we work toward the assured disappointment of the 2012 Legislative Session, Alabama’s deplorable legislative leaders have visited with the people stupid enough to elect them and pretended to listen to the crazy crap they want lawmakers to do this year.

Here are some quotes from constituents at recent legislative town halls held across the state.

-”I love what you’ve done with immigration, but I don’t think it goes far enough. Tell me, what are y’all’s plans for finally dealing with the black ones…?”

Bringing it back, y’all.

PRESS RELEASE

January 16, 2011

COCKFIGHT FAMILY TOSSES UNWAVERING SUPPORT BEHIND ‘GOVERNOR’ DR. DR. ROBERT BENTLEY DR.’S PLAN TO ELIMINATE PUBLIC EDUCATION IN ALABAMA

Your free ride is over, assholes!

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most rigorously practical clans, today marked Dr. Martin Luther King’s memory by supporting Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr.’s plan to eventually do away with public education in Alabama.

Bentley is asking the Legislature to set a voter referendum on merging the State’s education budget with its general fund budget because he wants to spend money elsewhere. The two budgets have been split to stop the State’s political leaders from funneling money away from education, but Bentley wants to change that.

“Alabama’s school-age children, like all government employees, take our hard-earned, excruciatingly parted-with tax dollars and do nothing as part of an unconstitutional, redistributionist policy of anti-capitalist socialism in action,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a prominent Republican strategist who served in the Reagan administration. “Their ‘learning’ is taking away tax funding that could be given to our highest-earners that they can spend on themselves and perhaps eventually create jobs with.

“That’s how the Free Market is supposed to work!”

The gift that keeps on giving it to you.

Steve Windom filled this jug just for you.

With Christmas and other holidays that Alabama’s Governor may or may not acknowledge here, you may be scrambling for that perfect gift for that family member, special someone, or New Zealander lesbian baby momma.

Here’s a few Alabama politics-themed gift ideas that will really put the “Y’all all going to Hell when you die!” back in your holiday season.

Making life more livable.

Scott Beason is seen here at a hearing on HB 56 during the 2011 legislative session.

After some embarrassing detentions of foreign car executives, Alabama’s Republican leaders have promised to clarify the State’s immigration law to avoid more arrests of car executives.

What changes can we expect?

Well…

THE ALABAMA COLORING BOOK: The replacements.

Each week King Cockfight will channel his years of occasionally sober political consulting expertise into assembling the hottest questions and views that Alabamian and lesser-American political leaders will face in the coming week into a helpful digest written simply enough that even the most pitiful of lessers who believe themselves to be political wonks can read it and be enlightened as they continue to live out unremarkable, unfulfilling lives.

Enjoy! 

YES: With Jefferson County now in bankruptcy, can its residents’ lives actually suck harder?

Not likely: After Gov. Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. derided Jefferson County leaders for not showing leadership in disarming the debt crisis, can a pot find a kettle dark enough to adequately point out its also blackness?

A horrifying oversight: By racially profiling gradeschoolers who look Hispanic, are Alabama’s teachers and administrators dangerously overlooking the kids who look “kind of Hispanic”?

Tsunami, dragon attack, Super-AIDS outbreak?: Which horrific disaster will Lieutenant Governor Kay Ivey cause in her trade mission to Taiwan, then blame on the Giant Economy Monster?

Gauntlet tossed: With Penn State students rioting over the firing of an eightysomething sort-of for ignoring years of child rape in his locker room, can Alabama and Auburn fans come up with something totally fucking retarded enough to re-establish themselves as the most disastrously myopic fanbases in sports?