The long road home.

So I left.

Again.

Now I am back.

…

Probably.

In memoriam.

PRESS RELEASE

June 1, 2010

COCKFIGHT ‘REGRETS’ THE DEATH OF STATE SENATE CANDIDATE, THE PURPLE-PAINTED GOAT

We will never forget.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most naturally remorseful political clans, today formally announced and apologized for their involvement in the death of independent State Senate candidate, The Purple-Painted Goat.

The Goat, a former Natural Bridge Mayor who was running for the District 5 seat occupied now by human melee weapon Charles Bishop, was apparently killed and eaten at a rally and fundraiser for Agriculture Commissioner candidate Carter McCarthy Cockfight in the Natural Bridge Community Center. His death was discovered when he did not arrive for a highly-anticipated speech at Monday’s Cockfight Family “We Really Do Care About the Troops” Memorial Day Cook-Out and Reunion and Brewer T. Alberts III, Cockfight Family Historian and Carter’s rural Cullman County field director, showed up to the event with a new purple goatskin Netbook case.

“You know how things is,” Carter said. “One minute you’re shoutin’ at that goddamn Dale Peterson video in a blind rage with your supporters to remind them who’s the enemy, the next thing you know y’all are all what the hungry and there’s this goat there.”

The more you know.

March 30, 2010

The Cockfight Family, as part of its settlement with the victims of the Winston County Robert E. Lee Day Haitian Relief Fundraiser, has been asked to begin a series of public service campaigns that can inform Alabamians and certain Armenians about causes and social problems as agreed upon by both sides of the conflict the Family unintentionally helped instigate.

The Family presents the following billboard as the first of such campaigns. It will visible to drivers near a Jack’s in Cullman starting later this week:

‘I’M AGAINST IT!’ with Carter Cockfight #11: Re-centering America.

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005.

Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog. The latest, in which he discusses the 2010 Alabama Governor’s race and a major policy move influenced by certain people of Albertville, is below:

Interestingly conflicted.

PRESS RELEASE

February 2, 2010

COCKFIGHT FAMILY VOICES SUPPORT FOR STATEWIDE ‘VOTE’ ON THE LEGALITY OF GAMBLING, ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF MASSIVE 500-MACHINE COCKFIGHT FAMILY BINGO HALL NEAR NATURAL BRIDGE

You knew we were going to do this eventually, lessers.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most profitable political clans, today formally urged State leaders to end the ongoing and pointless gambling controversy by assembling a statewide vote on the issue as soon as possible.

In a probably related move, the Family also announced plans to build “Oglethorpe’s Claw,” a luxurious casino electronic bingo hall with over 500 machines located off the future I-22 near Natural Bridge.

“The crazy, pointless early morning raids, the disturbing threats, the silly crowing back and forth between the bingo hall owners and their attorney general and Governor Riley and his current attorney general, having to see and hear and think about Milton McGregor — this all  needs to come to an end,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who served in the Reagan administration. “All we want is something that will bring this pointless acrimony to a halt so we can move on to more important tax cuts.

“Oh, and to make a lot of money off lessers playing the electronic bingo machines,” Eagle added.

Aftershocks.

PRESS RELEASE

January 25, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY ‘APOLOGIZES’ FOR ‘WINSTON COUNTY ROBERT E. LEE DAY HAITIAN-RELIEF FUNDRAISER’

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL –The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and surprisingly least regretful political clans, today issued a formal apology for the events of last week’s  ill-conceived The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind Robert E. Lee Day Haitian Relief Fundraiser.

“We really, really fucked this one up,” said King Cockfight, a failed Georgetown-educated political consultant and interim president of the Jebediah Cockfight Society. “We don’t really make a habit of this, but we want to send our deepest condolences to the victims’ families.

“I guess we probably owe an apology to the ones in Haiti too. If we have anything left over from paying for the property damage and covering our legal bills, we can share that with you,” King went on. “But really, I know that you guys are, you know, hurting or something right now, but still it might be better if you actually gave us some money. We’re in some deep shit.”

The Family has held a Robert E. Lee Day fundraiser for decades, a tradition that started due to a group of now mostly deceased Cockfights’ bitter anger toward the end of segregation — largely because they thought it was “funny.”

“At some point in the Eighties, somebody got a constitutional amendment passed saying we had to have the fundraiser and call it a Robert E. Lee Day fundraiser,” King explained. “And we’d totally change it, but… I mean, did you see how the vote on killing the interracial marriage ban turned out?

“Plus there’s, like, three black people in the entire Free State of Winston,” King added. “Never really understood why we’ve worked so hard to gerrymander them, though.”

“It’s tradition!” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a semi-retired conservative Mountain Brook lobbyist who served in the Reagan administration.

Many belated returns.

Guest post by King Cockfight
Author of this goddamn Weblog

At one point during this weeks-long absence, I was in a state of paralysis in a dimly-lit hostel in Amsterdam. I could see, I could think, but bountiful consumption of legal sin had left me unable to move or affect the dirty things around me. Greasy, pierced figures moved around the room, fornicating with every warm, possibly living thing they saw. I watched them dart from unconscious form to unconscious form, seeming to plug away a little harder at every stop. I wanted to halt it, but I could not move, still unable to shuffle an inch of myself as a byproduct of my own selfishness. And I wondered, with increasing concern at each passing moment, when they would get to me.

It reminded me a lot of living in Alabama.

City Stages is dead, long live Ci–No, it’s just dead.

"Who will visit the Aristocrat Vodka-Crystal Clear Pepsi 'Oh God why?!?!' stage to give Fine Young Cannibals the money they need to feed their kids? City Stages -- A less painful way to kill your insides than drinking a battery acid with a hot coal chaser...!"

City Stages, Birmingham’s long-running summer music festival, was found dead Thursday after drowning in a puddle of its own blood and filth for five or six years, maybe — probably – longer.

It is survived by the hope that Free State Stages will soon take its place in the newly-rechristened Natural Amphitheatre in South Winston County, Alabama…

Rest in peace, City Stages.

You really, really sucked those last few years, though…

Cha-ching!

A major private economic development group says it wants to tighten its connections to the State government “to guard against duplication in economic recruitment and job training.”

We totally — totally — understand. When we were concerned about stuff the State government was doing, we did our best to negotiate.

But new cars helped a lot.

So, um, flood?

In Birmingham, death plays checkers.

PRESS RELEASE

June 23, 2009

COCKFIGHT FAMILY WILLING TO PURCHASE DESICCATED CORPSE OF CITY STAGES

"Next up on the Titlemax-Southern Family Liquors Premier Stage, The Fat Boys followed by the left one from The Proclaimers! There's no better way to get dad back for a childhood of abuse than City Stages!"

NATURAL BRIDGE – The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vulturous political clans, today formally announced that they would be willing to buy the desiccated, half picked-over corpse of Birmingham’s City Stages should future shows be canceled.

The 21-year-old music festival was held last weekend, but its future could be dim, especially with a poor economy and shrinking crowds. Organizers are hopeful, but not particularly so given that Birmingham city officials say they could pull  funding if the endlessly languishing festival continues to bleed cash.

Things began to look especially dire last week, when George McMillan, the festival’s founder and president, was spotted with a copy of the classic Skeet Ulrich post-nuclear war series Jericho – a sure sign he is studying up on life with a gutted population and barely being able to last one season.

“Yeah, so we got to talking this weekend — me and my dad go every year, eat something inappopriately fried, and figure which artists are on the rise of their career or the harsh downward spiral — and you know, if they’re going to use all this stuff, we could buy it and put it in Winston County,” said King Cockfight, who is executive consultant for The Jebediah Cockfight Society for Alabama History and Remedy of the Idle Blind.

“I mean, Fake Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Doobie Brothers might seem tired and old to young, hip Birminghamsters, but frankly, they would be pretty darn novel and fine to the old, white rednecks in Winston County,” King went on.

“Might not want to bring En Vogue along, though.”