BETTERS’ READING: We got sweet, sweet corrupt influence, y’all.

Things people better than you have been reading.

-It was a great week without you lesser losers, last week. While you were busy listening to that whore dolphin Cal Alabaster Jr.’s ramblings about who is important in Alabama, the bingo trials ended without one damn conviction and the Republican presidential candidates started courting power brokers such as ourselves to secure them a victory in tomorrow’s primaries.

So, from the bottom of my sphincter, fuck you all. We’re in charge, and don’t you forget it.

-Speaking of the bingo trial, the prosecution’s ultimate failing was walking up to the blurry line between transactional politics and straight-up bribery and just hanging out there. One can only hope that the Supreme Court will take up Don Siegelman’s appeal and determine what is and is not a bribe, so that America can finally understand in some tiny way what it means to have Alabama’s political shame define them all.

-An aging Alabama population needs an immigrant slave-class to keep them afloat? Sounds like it’s time to return to greatness.

-This hasn’t been an easy Douche-Belt re-election campaign for Spencer Bachus. He’s actually had to campaign and everything. Meanwhile, Scott Beason can count to ten and has played the board game Monopoly.

-Your morning lies at Weld: Christ frequently visits the Alabama Senate—his name is Hank Sanders. Gay contraception and forced federal grandmother AIDS infection must stop now.

Protest.

In response to what appears to be lying son-of-a-bitch Cal Alabaster Jr. obviously leaving us off his list of powerful and influential people in Alabama and some College Republican president doing the same last week, the Cockfight Family has opted to take this week off to punish the lessers who hang on their every word to know for whom to vote and when and what to wipe.

For the record, below is our official Cockfight Family Top Ten Alabama Influence and Power List.

Study it and recognize, lessers.

BETTERS’ READING 2012-2-13: Quid pro no.

"I'll show you what a bribe is!"

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-If heard by the Supreme Court, the appeal of the conviction of former Governor Don Siegelman, the poor victim of a Republican conspiracy to convict corrupt Democrats of corruption, could determine what legally constitutes a political bribe in the United States.

As far as political legacies go for Governors, that is less than ideal.

-A group of hackers got into Mobile’s systems because Alabama has changed its law to show that it doesn’t like immigrants very much and were shocked that the city’s protection of the sensitive data it gathers about its residents is horribly unsecured.

For the technically uninclined: Yes, when a group of anonymous hackers let you know that they find breaking into your computer and stealing your personal information way too easy, it is a really, really bad thing.

But we’re sure that the three people who know anything about computers in Alabama government will hop right on that as soon as they figure out where they keep all the yogurt at Yogurt Mountain.

-Your latest update on why Cal Alabaster Jr. is a lying, dead whore: Publishing a photo of El Hubbardo is the surest way to invoke his wrath! And if physicists are going to debate whether the Alabama Democratic Party is a continuing phenomenon, they certainly wouldn’t do it in Auburn, would they?!

-Artur Davis has become a parody of Artur Davis. Though I guess depending on the method chosen to inflict it, butthurt can be paired naturally with Santorum.

-I can’t believe anyone would associate anything done by Robert Bentley with immediate, abject failure.

Mind the calendar.

I see that the whore liar “Cal Alabaster, Jr.” continues to claim we are not real, despite all the evidence to the contrary.

Unfortunately, due to the demands of working on Uncle Carter’s ongoing presidential campaign and the time I now spend scouring each of that Alabasterd’s posts for signs of who he is and what he wants from us, I can only guarantee posts here on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays from now on.

I understand that “Cal Alabaster, Jr.” will only post on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Well, we refuse to give up Mondays to your lies, you son of a bitch!

We will not give up the day the lessers’ will is at its lowest!

Ignite the light.

To refute the terrible lies of Weld for Birmingham that the Cockfight Family is the satirical invention of one “Cal Alabaster, Jr.“—if that is his real name—the Family has hastily produced the following poor-quality ad to be aired during the Super Bowl tonight. 

When they figure out the channel it will be on, they will alert their legions of loyal followers.

Elsewhere on February 3, 2012.

It’s fucking bullshit that this “Cal Alabaster Jr.” stole my joke I made on Twitter about Shadrack McGill’s name. And sure, he’s right in talking about Shadrack’s dumb teacher comments are what Alabama political leadership is all about, but fuck him for ripping me off and claiming I’m not real!

Wait till you see our Super Bowl ad, Weld for Birmingham. All you fuckers are gonna pay!

CockFACTS: Remember what could have happened.

In response to Weld for Birmingham‘s libelous claims that they do not exist and are a work of fiction created by some Shelby County man named “Cal Alabaster Jr.,” the Cockfight Family has decided to begin a regular feature sharing facts about their rich history and great influence over Alabama and The South.

Unfortunately, this feature has to be called “CockFACTS” to avoid confusion with Cockfight Facts—the brand name to the Family’s Creationist alternative to the Worldbook Encyclopedia—and Cockfight Family Facts—the Family’s annual Fantasy Chicken Combat Draft Guide.

This Sunday, the Family will also debut a Super Bowl ad it has quickly pieced together to refute Weld‘s claims.

Enterprise, Alabama, is a fine example of what The South is all about. Good people. Good food. An unreasonable worship of a goddamn bug to avoid giving George Washington Carver credit for placing The South on the path toward crop diversification—because if you get huzzahs for creating peanut butter, do you really need anything else?

BETTERS’ READING: Now that I’m no longer a partisan, those highly partisan comments I made are regretful.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Again, Weld for Birmingham has revealed our supposed “creator”  in a stupid, upbeat column that never once mentions how we own the City of the Enterprise and nearly let deranged Cajuns eat it. Only terrible, dark things will come of this for all involved. Dark tax lien, ‘possum-related things. More to come.

-Now that he’s no longer a Democrat, Artur Davis is really sad that he criticized the Republican conspiracy to prosecute corrupt Democrats like Don Siegelman on corruption charges. He also toys with the idea of running for Mayor of Montgomery in that interview, a job that, as pissed as we’ve been at Artur lately, we wouldn’t on anybody who does not willfully live in the City of Prattville. #TryBuildingMoreThanOneRoadNextTimeAssholes

-Speaking of Prattville, scientists are looking at much less harsh experiments on the male body for use as a birth control.

-The new Finnish Steel-Lords of Mobile County do not plan on shutting down ThyssenKrupp’s megaplant. More importantly, that link finally explains how the hell to say the new owner’s name. Trying to say that name without phonetics sounds like some sort of awful, Scandinavian vowel-rape.

-I’M WHAT GONNA IMPEACH THE PRESIDENT FOR Y’ALL BUT I DON’T NEED A REASON WELL I GUESS MY REASON IS I DON’T LIKE HIM AND THAT’S A CRIME AND HE’S JUST SO BLACK AND HE LIKES THE GAYS… !

-I think some people here would object to y’all calling this episode This American Life. That would be because they are assholes.

The truest of lies.

PRESS RELEASE

January 31, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY DECLARES HOLY CHRISTIAN JIHAD ON WELD ‘BIRMINGHAM‘ FOR NEW COLUMN AND WEBLOG IT CLAIMS TO BE AUTHORED BY SHELBY COUNTY MAN ASSERTING HE ‘CREATED’ THE COCKFIGHT FAMILY

BURN IN HELL.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vengeful political clans, today pledged to expend its considerable resources to “burn the heart” out of the hippie, pagan lesser “publication” Weld Birmingham for its plans to publish a regular column and Weblog by a Shelby County man claiming to have “created” the Cockfight Family as some sort of wild, semifictitious political satire.

Sources have informed the Cockfight Family that their supposed creator will reveal himself in a column debuting in Weld‘s print and online editions on Thursday. The Cockfight Family’s “creator” will also begin authoring a Weblog at Weld in the immediate future.

In response, the Cockfight Family plans a public education campaign reminding Alabamians that the Family exists and controls much of their daily lives and discrediting Weld and the libelous liar claiming to have made the Family up. The Family’s Weblog will also see distinct changes to counter Weld‘s deplorably false content that will be announced in the coming days.

“These awful lies will not stand,” said King Cockfight, a Winston County political consultant who has authored the Weblog that has been considered for years to be the definitive source of the Family’s policy wishes and general goings-on.