BETTERS’ READING: Martha Roby is so conservative that atrophy has set in. Also: Signing Day!

This year's improper benefits of choice for recruits at UAB? Free tickets to Alabama games.

Things that people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-To accomodate the influx of new readership following our holy war against the liars at Weld for Birmingham, I have updated the Cockfight Family bios page. In my Ancestry.com commercial, I talk about how one of my grandmothers was a dyslexic whore and my Family’s patriarch used dead slaves as insulation.

-Today is National Signing Day: Remember, Alabama and Auburn football fans, obviously the kids your football team signs today to possibly play a down or two are much more important than, you know, the kids in South Alabama living in homes without running water because their parents do not have jobs because of the BP oil spill that certain oil companies want you to believe is all better now since some couple from Wisconsin saw the shark’s head at Souvenir City and thought it was cute.

But Roll Tide, okay?

The truest of lies.

PRESS RELEASE

January 31, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY DECLARES HOLY CHRISTIAN JIHAD ON WELD ‘BIRMINGHAM‘ FOR NEW COLUMN AND WEBLOG IT CLAIMS TO BE AUTHORED BY SHELBY COUNTY MAN ASSERTING HE ‘CREATED’ THE COCKFIGHT FAMILY

BURN IN HELL.

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most vengeful political clans, today pledged to expend its considerable resources to “burn the heart” out of the hippie, pagan lesser “publication” Weld Birmingham for its plans to publish a regular column and Weblog by a Shelby County man claiming to have “created” the Cockfight Family as some sort of wild, semifictitious political satire.

Sources have informed the Cockfight Family that their supposed creator will reveal himself in a column debuting in Weld‘s print and online editions on Thursday. The Cockfight Family’s “creator” will also begin authoring a Weblog at Weld in the immediate future.

In response, the Cockfight Family plans a public education campaign reminding Alabamians that the Family exists and controls much of their daily lives and discrediting Weld and the libelous liar claiming to have made the Family up. The Family’s Weblog will also see distinct changes to counter Weld‘s deplorably false content that will be announced in the coming days.

“These awful lies will not stand,” said King Cockfight, a Winston County political consultant who has authored the Weblog that has been considered for years to be the definitive source of the Family’s policy wishes and general goings-on.

A special message from your only source of happiness in a dysfunctional, awful place.

Just shut up and give us the check.

Like most politicos with the vaguest modicum of social utility in this State, King Cockfight is a graduate of the University of Alabama School of Law. Under the Alabama Constitution, the school cannot solicit donations from any member of the Cockfight Family without implicitly agreeing to found The R. Rutherford B. Cockfight Memorial Institute for Race Studies. His former law school classmates, however, have received the following letter several times in the past few days since the University of Alabama’s latest questionable football national championship. As a public service to the University, King Cockfight shares it here now:

Dear Alumni,

As you no-doubtedly noticed with great celebration on Monday, the Crimson Tide football team achieved its Fourteenth National Championship on Monday night.

As you know, the University of Alabama is the Capstone of higher education in the State of Alabama, and unlike other people, that statement especially means something to you as a graduate. The only way we can continue to provide the high-quality performance our school produces in the classroom and on the field of athletic play is with the aid and support of alumni such as yourself.

So please, donate today so that we can continue to nurture excellence as Alabama’s flagship university.

Please click here to donate.

…

No, seriously, asshole, give us your money.

Right fucking now.

Breaking news.

Mushroom-like.

This week The Tuscaloosa News performed its public duty to readers by exposing a terrible and awful problem to its Mercedes-Benz-owned readership:

Something on the University of Alabama campus looks like a giant cock.

Yes, there’s a reference to how the Denny Chimes looks like a big pecker that plays music, but that’s not what they’re talking about:

Although Craig Wedderspoon’s 10-foot-tall ‘Argyle’ was crafted as part of a series on fabrics and textiles, frozen in metal, some viewers see more than an upwardly mobile construction set on a stout base. …

‘We had a lot of people come by and comment ‘giant phallus,” said Wedderspoon, head of the sculpture program at UA’s Department of Art. ‘When confronted with something abstract, we may not know what it is, it’s curious how quickly it is we go to our sexual organs.

‘But on a college campus, at least, it may be what everyone’s thinking about,’ he said, laughing.

Wow! That’s hilariously and insightfully trite!

But The Tuscaloosa News isn’t alone in this dumb, wasteful, and immature groundbreaking public interest journalism. What other news outlets have devoted their resources to expose pressing public concerns about the appearance/resemblance of stuff to people’s underwear parts?

‘I ain’t ever been nothing but an obtain-er of federal projects money.’

"This proposed federal spending freeze makes me so... coooold..."

Yes, I understand that it’s important to quickly shape and build a statue of Nick Saban for winning a national championship. But that doesn’t make up for the fact that another long-needed statue in Tuscaloosa, a Rio de Janeiro-style recreation of Senator Richard Shelby, has not been approved or completed.

He’s like the Bear Bryant of pork.

Crazy on you.

To our great chagrin, the State of Alabama continues to ignore the Cockfight Family’s recommendation that the State’s mentally ill be dumped in some of the more annoying suburbs of Huntsville. Instead, Alabama leaders are looking at moving forward with a possible sale of Bryce Hospital to the University of Alabama and potentially relocating the State’s official crazy house* to Birmingham.

In response, the City of Tuscaloosa has filed a lawsuit challenging that Governor Bob Riley has no authority to move the hospital and that people from Tuscaloosa work at it, so therefore it can’t be moved from Tuscaloosa because Tuscaloosa is apparently legally required to have as many institutions around at once to justify its existence as an independent entity from Birmingham. Also, the win football team might not be able win forever except they always will when the cyborg Paul Nicholas SaBear 2.0 Leopard Edition takes over in 2026 ROLL DAMN TIDE!

But they’re not the ones who appear to be pitching the biggest fit over this land deal. That would be Paul Davis, a Department of Mental Health trustee who recently resigned and did his best to prompt an “Aw snap!” in talking about how the University of Alabama isn’t paying enough for his former department’s charming plantation crazy-house and maybe the schizo store-house ought to be put on the open market:

The idea of ever moving Bryce was because the university wants the land. We voted unanimously to sell the land provided the price was right. They’re about $20 million or so short, or about the cost of two skyboxes.**

 ”AW SNAP!”-LIKE REACTION TO THAT COMMENT, Y’ALL!

Circle of life.

Apparently blacks and other minority students have a difficult time winning leadership offices at Alabama’s colleges and universities.

Which is a shame, really, because it unfairly restricts the pool of minority candidates we might someday do everything we can not to vote for at the State level.

BALL THOUGHTS with Coach Eddie ‘Puffin’ Cockfight #2: Let’s talk about the balls.

By Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight
Semi-employed college football coach

During the college football season, King Cockfight has asked his much-closer-than-comfortable relative Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight to write a weekly column on the sport for his Weblog.

A former standout walk-on fullback at Jacksonville State, Puffin is head coach of the NAIA Division II Southwest New Mexico A&M Skeet-Shootin’ Owls — or, more popularly, “Skeet-Owls” for short. He is currently serving a 25-year ban from coaching at NCAA schools for recruiting violations stemming from an embarrassing incident in which he took an NCAA investigator to the same strip club in which he was (rightfully) accused of taking recruits and often their families.

With his column, Puffin hopes to regain his credibility as a coach, open conversation of a lesser sentence for his past wrongs, gain more visitation access to his eight illegitimate children, and spread awareness about the troubled and often tragic lives of men who find themselves addicted to the sight to half-nude women jiggling aimlessly to the rap-stylings of Lil’ John.

Aw skeet skeet goddamn.

One the reasons I decided to write this column for Cousin King — at least, I think he’s my cousin — is because these kids I recruit these days use the Internet a lot — at least from what I hear.

And the text-messaging. Before the big bad college football big brains decided the text messaging between coach and the kids was not in the best interest of the “student”-athlete,  I “used to” get ‘em all the time.

It always be like “i’ll cum play 4 the skeets-owls if u get me a bag o WEED, coach” and “u best get me some pussee if u want me 2 play defunseve back!!!!”

And I’d text, “Yeah, I can get you some puss!

“But you’d better watch out!”

BALL THOUGHTS with Coach Eddie ‘Puffin’ Cockfight #1: Let’s start thinkin’ with our balls.

In advance of the college football season, King Cockfight has asked his much-closer-than-comfortable relative Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight to write a weekly column on the sport for his Weblog, now regarded by the Alabama Weblogosphere as its eighth-most credible member — mainly because it updates mostly every weekday and hasn’t suddenly dissolved within three months of starting.

A former standout walk-on fullback at Jacksonville State, Puffin is head coach of the NAIA Division II Southwest New Mexico A&M Skeet-Shootin’ Owls — or, more popularly, “Skeet-Owls” for short. He is currently serving a 25-year ban from coaching at NCAA schools for recruiting violations stemming from an embarrassing incident in which he took an NCAA investigator to the same strip club in which he was (rightfully) accused of taking recruits and often their families.

With his column, Puffin hopes to regain his credibility as a coach, open conversation of a lesser sentence for his past wrongs, gain more visitation access to his eight illegitimate children, and spread awareness about the troubled and often tragic lives of men who find themselves addicted to the sight to half-nude women jiggling aimlessly to the rap-stylings of Juvenile.

Howdy, America. I hope y’all doing all right in the right part of the South. Here it’s all fuckin’ peppers on Big Macs and weird Mexican-Injun shit like that.

I prefer a world where I used to watch my favorite uncles  roll off the couch they slept on and into a bottle of bourbon, paint every inch of their naked body in purple and gold, then drive to Baton Rouge where they’d grill up the alligator they caught drunk the night before and scream “FUCK YOU! WE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER TO DEATH WITH A SHOTGUN, YOU COCKSUCKING FAGGOTS! GEAUX TIGERS!” at opposin’ teams female fans — for teams they kinda liked anyway.

Yeah, I miss those good family values and other Christian shit like that — the kind of stuff that college football is made of.

Anyway, Cousin King asked me to write y’all up somethin’ real nice about the AP Top Five that got released over the weekend, so I guess I can do that now.

1. Florida
Does Timmy Tebow understand how much pussy he’s missin’?!

Crazier than it sounds.

The University of Alabama is still mulling the conditions the State has set for the school’s potential $80M+ purchase of Bryce Hospital*, where Alabama keeps its criminally insane people that aren’t related to me.

While University leaders are not terribly forthcoming about what’s taking so long, it’s not hard to see why given how much it’s going to cost to fix  and upkeep:

Simply maintaining the Bryce campus, of which the vast majority is unused, costs the mental health department $2.7 million annually, not including the tens of millions of dollars needed to renovate and restore the main domed building, which, under Sawyer’s proposal, UA would agree to keep.

Cleanup of diesel fuel and chemicals from laundry dry cleaning — used when Bryce was a self-supported city — that has since seeped into the groundwater is expected to cost a minimum of $300,000 annually. More likely, the actual cost to UA would be higher, since administrators want to restore the land for unrestricted use, unlike mental health officials who have no future plans for the contaminated portions, according to Sawyer’s report.

The polluted groundwater has seeped onto 2 acres of UA’s campus, and the more stringent cleanup UA wants is expected to cost between $1.9 and $2.5 million, according to Sawyer’s report.

So we didn’t care take of our buildings, we polluted our land, we polluted your land — and you’re going to have to pay us over $80M and then have to clear up everything we shit on while (presumably) keeping our crazies out of your freshman English classes.

I know the University from which I purchased my law degree is in need of more land for things and the equally as important stuff, but is it really worth the cost?

Unless…