In advance of the college football season, King Cockfight has asked his much-closer-than-comfortable relative Eddie “Puffin” Cockfight to write a weekly column on the sport for his Weblog, now regarded by the Alabama Weblogosphere as its eighth-most credible member — mainly because it updates mostly every weekday and hasn’t suddenly dissolved within three months of starting.
A former standout walk-on fullback at Jacksonville State, Puffin is head coach of the NAIA Division II Southwest New Mexico A&M Skeet-Shootin’ Owls — or, more popularly, “Skeet-Owls” for short. He is currently serving a 25-year ban from coaching at NCAA schools for recruiting violations stemming from an embarrassing incident in which he took an NCAA investigator to the same strip club in which he was (rightfully) accused of taking recruits and often their families.
With his column, Puffin hopes to regain his credibility as a coach, open conversation of a lesser sentence for his past wrongs, gain more visitation access to his eight illegitimate children, and spread awareness about the troubled and often tragic lives of men who find themselves addicted to the sight to half-nude women jiggling aimlessly to the rap-stylings of Juvenile.
Howdy, America. I hope y’all doing all right in the right part of the South. Here it’s all fuckin’ peppers on Big Macs and weird Mexican-Injun shit like that.
I prefer a world where I used to watch my favorite uncles roll off the couch they slept on and into a bottle of bourbon, paint every inch of their naked body in purple and gold, then drive to Baton Rouge where they’d grill up the alligator they caught drunk the night before and scream “FUCK YOU! WE FUCKED YOUR MOTHER TO DEATH WITH A SHOTGUN, YOU COCKSUCKING FAGGOTS! GEAUX TIGERS!” at opposin’ teams female fans — for teams they kinda liked anyway.
Yeah, I miss those good family values and other Christian shit like that — the kind of stuff that college football is made of.
Anyway, Cousin King asked me to write y’all up somethin’ real nice about the AP Top Five that got released over the weekend, so I guess I can do that now.
Does Timmy Tebow understand how much pussy he’s missin’?! Continue reading