BETTERS’ READING: Alabama sez, ‘We’d like more immigrants taken care of before we get married and teach no sex.’

Roger Bedford is really sorry about what he did. He just was out of it and he couldn't really see how bad his actions were going to be toward him and his colleagues. Also, he probably shouldn't have introduced that recall bill. His bad.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A majority of Alabamians support HB56, but they also want to see changes to the state’s harsh immigration law.

Unfortunately for opponents of the bill, those changes they want to see?

More dead Mexicans.

-Hi bill sponsored by Sen. Roger “Blindy McCorruptnuts” Bedford that would allow elected officials to be recalled in Alabama clearing a Senate committee!

Bye bill that would allow elected officials to be recalled after Bedford realizes what he has done!

-All Roy Moore news is associated with Lassie because I imagine this is what talking to him is like these days:

Judge “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” says he is not worried about an independent candidate joining as a sane alternative in the race for chief justice.

That’s because he’s so fucking out of his gourd he wouldn’t notice anyway.

Alabama’s gonna save your marriage even if it kills you, baby.

Phil Williams also is sponsoring the personhood anti-abortion amendment this session. He is so into protecting his vision of the Christian family that he chokes himself a little bit when he sees clips of "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet."

With all other problems solved in Alabama, State legislators have boldly turned their attention to upgrading marriage to supermarriage:

A “no-fault divorce” for incompatibility or for breakdown of the marriage, options available under Alabama law, would not be available for couples choosing the covenant marriage option. Couples still could get married under Alabama’s current marriage law if the plan, Senate Bill 270 by Sen. Phil Williams, R-Rainbow City, were to take effect.

Supporters said a covenant marriage law would let couples pick an option that could foster longer-lasting marriages.

“We’re asking for folks to consider, at their own option, whether or not they want to take the extra steps to preserve and protect their marriage,” Williams said. “This is a great opportunity to be pro-family.”

Yeah, take that Alabama Anti-Family Lobby. We’ve seen all your AAFL billboards on I-65, telling folks that they should just abandon their kids at a mall and to fuck as many people and animals at once in lieu of committed, monogamous relationships!

We’ll fix you, you nonexistent pieces of shit, you!

BETTERS’ READING: Scott Beason sucks so very hard at this.

On the radio.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Scott Beason has been beaten to the television airwaves thus far in the race for Alabama’s Douche-Belt by both Spencer Bachus (twice) and Blount County Four-Wheeler Guy.

And he’s responded by… putting out a radio ad.

That ad doesn’t even mention the immigration law he co-sponsored and became the face of, which, despite all its infinite wrongness, is the thing upon which he logically should build his campaign, being that its a popular measure among members of his party and all. Well, that and Bachus’ insider trading, but he clearly doesn’t understand that as a concept.

But no, his first radio ad’s mostly anonymous soft anti-Obama gumbly mush. Which, barring him being the best in-person campaigner ever (he’s not), means he could reasonably put up a sub-13% finish in this race, despite all the bluster going into this bid.

Which, FYI, is why you don’t start a congressional campaign two months or so before election day, by the by. You can have all the potential in the world and build something that looks so nice on paper, but if you don’t have a plan to go with it, well, you’re done.

-I, for one, look forward to the passage of the Alabama “DON’T LOCK GRANNY IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SHED SO YOU CAN MAKE METH YOU ASSHOLE DRUG-DEALING SCUM” Act of 2012.

-Look, if you don’t like red-light cameras ticketing your worthless ass, then don’t run fucking red lights.

We don’t need to get rid of red-light camera ticketing until we have “uniform standards,” we already have them: It’s called “Don’t run the fucking red light, asshole.”

Shit, son.

-Hey, where’s the tax incentives for Alabama’s burgeoning pornographic film industry based in Tuscumbia?

As much as Sheffield Stumpy works on her hands and nubs day-in and day-out, don’t you think she deserves a little kickback from the State government?

-Let us buy big alcohol containers for Christ’s sake.

We have to live here.

-Most shocking in this story about a Georgia judge inappropriately pulling a gun in court: That a prosecutor actually told the judge that he was wrong for inappropriately pulling a gun in court.

Counselor, them’s some balls.

-Lies at Weld: Rick Klantorum is not going to be happy about such an unflattering photo, but the chasm at the bottom of the Cahaba sounds like a fine addition of failure to Alabama Adventure. Also: Who hasn’t had a cactus forced by the State into their vaginas? Am I right, ladies?

BETTERS’ READING: No one has any money anywhere oh God the zombies are going to eat my flesh.

Sadly belated things that people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A man fainted yesterday while standing in line at the Jefferson County Courthouse, and there are eyewitness reports that another man did the same last week after standing in line for four hours.

This comes after a sobering New York Times report over the weekend that states the grim obvious: Jefferson County and its people may never fully recover from its bankruptcy.

But hey y’all, at least Scott Beason stood on the broad, make-believe bullshit principle of not letting y’all have revenue to stave off bankruptcy and keep municipal services somewhat decent so he can brag about fighting against taxes in his failed run for Congress.

And I’m sure folks like this elderly gentleman who fainted yesterday understand why they had to make that sacrifice.

-In completely unrelated news, a Senate panel actually believes that Jefferson County may need revenue to do its job.

-Speaking of government cutbacks:

Most new Alabama governors appoint a task force to write a report on streamlining state government and then let it collect dust. Gov. Robert Bentley and legislative leaders say they are determined not to let that happen.

Suuuuure.

Governor Riley’s report? Currently being used as a doorstop by the Mississippi Indian Gambling Overlords that exist in Bill Johnson’s head.

Don Siegelman’s? His advisers folded hundreds used to bribe their way out of speeding tickets in between the pages and handed them to State Troopers to be discreet.

Fob James ate his.

But wait:

Bentley has already targeted some programs in the executive branch, including one of his own Cabinet members, for merger and says there will be more.

“Streamlining government will save money. If one agency duplicates the services of another agency, we will merge those agencies. We will look for excess and cut it out,” Bentley said.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww daaaaaaamn.

BETTERS’ READING: None of y’all give Robert Bentley the full Republican boner that he enjoys having for his party’s presidential candidate.

Just can't full conservative wood for Mitt Romney.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Even after seeing Rick Santorum’s “Obama’s a secret Muslim I mean why don’t y’all care about how Obama used religion to justify taxes more?!” bikini shoot over the past week, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. tells the Mobile Press-Register that he is “not excited” by the GOP field.

And since pending the fifty bazillion primaries ahead of it, Alabama’s presidential primary could actually matter for once when it happens next month, that’s not encouraging for the GOP field.

How bad? Here’s a short and completely unfair list of things that do excite Bent-Dog:

• The “gawdy color” of black-and-white newspaper pages.
• A dog crossing the street without asking permission of the adjoining property owners and/or faxing a short letter of notice to the governmental entity responsible for upkeep of the right-of-way.
• The “pornographic” entry on grass on Wikipedia.

Of course, one might also presume that Governor Bentley Dr. might be more inclined to support a candidate who reminds him of a certain someone whose name rhymes with Fuckabee and that his lack of excitement for the contenders left in the race.

Or maybe he’s just holding out on thrusting his throbbing and unconditional GOP support to the ultimate and unstoppable Republican ticket that will be negotiated at the convention this summer. #PawlentyBarbour2012 #AGiantPussyandSlaveOwnerForAmerica

‘I’M AGAINST IT’ with Carter Cockfight: ‘Y’ALL MISSISSIPPIANS AIN’T GONNA DUMP THEM IMMIGRANTS BACK ON US!’

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.

Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog.

I BEEN HAVIN’ A GOOD TIME ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL. WE AIN’T REALLY FIRED UP MUCH UNTIL THE REPUBLICANS STOP SUCKIN’ EACH OTHERS’ PECKERS OFF TO FIGURE OUT WHO SECRETLY WOULD LET AMERICA BE RAPED BY THE IMMIGRANTS MORE, BUT I BEEN TONGUE-KISSED BY A LOT OF MY SUPPORTERS’ COMMON LAW WIVES AT FLEAS MARKETS THE PAST FEW MONTHS AND THEY AIN’T NOTHIN’ QUEER ABOUT THAT.

AND WHILE I REAL HAPPY ABOUT HOW PEOPLE RESPONDED TO OUR MESSAGE ‘BOUT MAKIN’ AMERICA MORE LIKE ALABAMA, I GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH MISSISSIPPI!

Y’ALL AIN’T GONNA DUMP NO WIFE-FUCKIN’ IMMIGRANTS BACK ON US, YOU DELTA DRAWL GO-TARDS!

BETTERS’ READING: My scary vagina burns with the pain of an awful Monday.

Tom Parker is willing to write for hundreds of pages about his fear of vaginas and the things that can happen there.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-The New York Times gives a nice gauge of how totally fucked Jefferson County is. In response, Senator Arthur Orr of Decatur has called for an end to all taxes or revenue of any sort in Jefferson County in hopes that if the State looks away from Jefferson County and acts like partisan, blind shitheads for long enough, the problem will just go away.

-Alabama Supreme Court Justice Tom Parker is so conservative that he often literally cannot be moved. In fact, some of his Republican colleagues on the Court donated to a Democratic opponent in 2010 to try to get his lazy ass off the bench so they wouldn’t have to pick up his workload.

But you give him a case where he can spew out some bullshit about long-settled issues pertaining to abortion, America’s favorite time-waster of a political issue, and shit, he’ll do bullshit jumping jacks for you all the live long day.

All fucking day long.

-When the economy crashed into the worst state it has been in since 2008, it made us all focus on what was important—substantive issues that have frankly wedged us further apart, but have at least focused more on the things that government can honestly control and affect. Democratic leaders focused on adding another layer in the social safety net with healthcare reform. Republican leaders sought to lessen government spending so that our country would not be crippled by insurmountable debt.

Then, one little administrative dispute over birth control later, America’s political focus has shifted back to the one issue where its guiders think it belongs—the one issue that we can’t seem to get over:

Vaginas are really scary, y’all.

Real, real scary.

-THE JESUS BABIES WON’T KILL EACH OTHER IF THEY WEAR THE PANTS RIGHT!

I believe you and I have different definitions of racism, black Jefferson County legislators.

Not racist.

So you know that whole referring-to-black-people-in-Greene-County-as-”aborigines” thing, the immigration bill that all-but requires the harassment of racially different schoolchildren that are legal citizens, the discussion of using free food and public transportation because they’re like black voters’ kryptonite that was probably the much more objectionable part of the “aborigines” tape that Scott Beason made knowing it would probably be played in open court?

Don’t worry about it.

Birmingham Representative John Rogers, along with three other black members of the Jefferson County legislative delegation, says ol’ Scott ain’t no racist:

ASDFafajsdla;fjda;lsfja;lsdkfjasdfwjoierjepwarioealaksdfjdlakfjblwa

Oh, sorry, that’s just what John Rogers sounds like to the untrained ear because he talks funny. Here’s what he actually said last week:

“I felt like Scott was getting a raw deal,” state Rep. John Rogers, D-Birmingham, said in an interview this afternoon.

Rogers and state Reps. Mary Moore and Juandalynn Givan, both Birmingham Democrats, signed a letter saying in part, “We know the man and Scott is not a racist.”

He’s just hyperracist, right?

Right?

Bracing for embarrassment from the Alabama Legislature.

"WE SHOWED Y'ALL ORIGINAL WHITE MEXICANS!"

The Alabama Legislature opens its 2012 session today. As usual, virtually nothing of value will probably be accomplished, but people keep recommending basic competence anyway.

The only thing certain from this session is that lawmakers will put their heads together and strive as hard as they can to embarrass the lot of us through their bills, through their actions, and through their rhetoric.

But how?

Here’s some of the ways the Legislature could conceivably embarrass us this year.

I gots to know.

PRESS RELEASE

February 1, 2012

COCKFIGHT FAMILY CALLS ON GOVERNOR DR. DR. ROBERT BENTLEY ‘DR.’ TO DISCLOSE WHETHER OR NOT HE IS A SECRET MUSLIM

NATURAL BRIDGE, AL — The Cockfight Family, one of America’s oldest and most religiously intolerant political clans, today formally called for Alabama Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. to release his long-form birth certificate as well as the abridged and Kindle versions of his birth certificate and any other life certificates he may have on his person to assuage growing fears that the Governor is a secret Muslim.

These concerns have developed in recent weeks as legislators have filed obviously totally justified measures aimed at rooting out secret, malevolent Islamic influences—also known as “The Ninja Islam” or “NinjLam”— in Alabama government.

“The people have been raising this point at town halls across the State,” said J. Eagle Cockfight II, a prominent Republican strategist. “And we know that he is wary about being seen around sunset, which I and many others rich enough to have the betters’ cable know from watching Homeland is a sign that he may be a secretly converted white Muslim terrorist who likes to do the shirtless NinjLam prayer hedonism.

“Come on, Bob. Let’s let the people know the truth. And hopefully it’s the kind of truth your supposedly true religious deities, Ronald Reagan and Jesus, would approve.”