BETTERS’ READING: Alabama won’t jab your cooch, but that doesn’t mean it’s done with you yet.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

Having learned of the vagina's mysteries, Clay Scofield has decided to withdraw the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin' Act of 2012 for further research.

-Oh, Uncle Eagle, it turns out that fourteen-year-old State Senator Clay Scofield may be vice president yet, as he has apparently caved under pressure and plans to eliminate the cooch-jabbiness of the Alabama Cooch-Jabbin’ Act of 2012.

But though the State is apparently not going to be forcing things into your vagina all willy-nilly, Clay Scofield, being Alabama’s Master of Vaginas, still has some other awful plans in mind should you and a doctor legally carry out an abortion:

It also requires the physician or technician performing the procedure to display the images and describe them to the woman, including information as to whether the fetus has died.

Physicians and technicians who failed to administer the ultrasound prior to an abortion or an attempted abortion could face up to 10 years in prison and a $15,000 fine. In addition, the law would allow the woman, the father of the fetus or the grandparents to sue the physician for “actual and punitive damages.” …

Opponents have also criticized the bill’s lack of exceptions for rape or incest; Scofield’s statement did not mention any amendments that would address those issues. The statement also did not mention any changes to the lawsuit provisions, which critics have claimed would allow a rapist to sue a doctor who aborted his victim’s baby.

Finally, a victory for the rape lobby! #RapistRightsNowYall #OpenlyRepresentedBySomeoneOtherThanAMidsizedFirmAdvertisingOnFinebaum #ItsComing

-Look, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. isn’t saying that your kids’ health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people. That’s a liberal distortion.

He’s saying that your children’s health and well-being isn’t as important as keeping taxes low on rich people and creating new State subsidies for those rich people to maybe perhaps kind of sort of create jobs at one point or another at a future point maybe.

Free market, y’all.

BETTERS’ READING: No one has any money anywhere oh God the zombies are going to eat my flesh.

Sadly belated things that people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A man fainted yesterday while standing in line at the Jefferson County Courthouse, and there are eyewitness reports that another man did the same last week after standing in line for four hours.

This comes after a sobering New York Times report over the weekend that states the grim obvious: Jefferson County and its people may never fully recover from its bankruptcy.

But hey y’all, at least Scott Beason stood on the broad, make-believe bullshit principle of not letting y’all have revenue to stave off bankruptcy and keep municipal services somewhat decent so he can brag about fighting against taxes in his failed run for Congress.

And I’m sure folks like this elderly gentleman who fainted yesterday understand why they had to make that sacrifice.

-In completely unrelated news, a Senate panel actually believes that Jefferson County may need revenue to do its job.

-Speaking of government cutbacks:

Most new Alabama governors appoint a task force to write a report on streamlining state government and then let it collect dust. Gov. Robert Bentley and legislative leaders say they are determined not to let that happen.

Suuuuure.

Governor Riley’s report? Currently being used as a doorstop by the Mississippi Indian Gambling Overlords that exist in Bill Johnson’s head.

Don Siegelman’s? His advisers folded hundreds used to bribe their way out of speeding tickets in between the pages and handed them to State Troopers to be discreet.

Fob James ate his.

But wait:

Bentley has already targeted some programs in the executive branch, including one of his own Cabinet members, for merger and says there will be more.

“Streamlining government will save money. If one agency duplicates the services of another agency, we will merge those agencies. We will look for excess and cut it out,” Bentley said.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww daaaaaaamn.

BETTERS’ READING: None of y’all give Robert Bentley the full Republican boner that he enjoys having for his party’s presidential candidate.

Just can't full conservative wood for Mitt Romney.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Even after seeing Rick Santorum’s “Obama’s a secret Muslim I mean why don’t y’all care about how Obama used religion to justify taxes more?!” bikini shoot over the past week, Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. tells the Mobile Press-Register that he is “not excited” by the GOP field.

And since pending the fifty bazillion primaries ahead of it, Alabama’s presidential primary could actually matter for once when it happens next month, that’s not encouraging for the GOP field.

How bad? Here’s a short and completely unfair list of things that do excite Bent-Dog:

• The “gawdy color” of black-and-white newspaper pages.
• A dog crossing the street without asking permission of the adjoining property owners and/or faxing a short letter of notice to the governmental entity responsible for upkeep of the right-of-way.
• The “pornographic” entry on grass on Wikipedia.

Of course, one might also presume that Governor Bentley Dr. might be more inclined to support a candidate who reminds him of a certain someone whose name rhymes with Fuckabee and that his lack of excitement for the contenders left in the race.

Or maybe he’s just holding out on thrusting his throbbing and unconditional GOP support to the ultimate and unstoppable Republican ticket that will be negotiated at the convention this summer. #PawlentyBarbour2012 #AGiantPussyandSlaveOwnerForAmerica

Bracing for embarrassment from the Alabama Legislature.

"WE SHOWED Y'ALL ORIGINAL WHITE MEXICANS!"

The Alabama Legislature opens its 2012 session today. As usual, virtually nothing of value will probably be accomplished, but people keep recommending basic competence anyway.

The only thing certain from this session is that lawmakers will put their heads together and strive as hard as they can to embarrass the lot of us through their bills, through their actions, and through their rhetoric.

But how?

Here’s some of the ways the Legislature could conceivably embarrass us this year.

BETTERS’ READING: Get to the choppers! Before they shoot your Medicaid!

Secret anti-helicopter device or really large interstate-adjacent reminder of, you know... Jesus?

Things that people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Horrifyingly sad and creepy.

-There’s apparently a fifth guy in the AL-06 (“Douche-Belt“) GOP race, and he is the candidate who posts on Facebook that he thinks that a three-year-old Los Angeles Times story about a military training exercise with the LAPD involving black helicopters is a sign that the guvmint is about to send the Blackhawks to shoot up Gardendale’s First Baptist Church. But Al, they were training in LA! They’re obviously just going to go after all the black people! They just thought that might be something you would be into dude…

-As they stand to play a critical role in the race for not-Muslim not-president, a GOP congressional candidate reckons there’s some seriously fucked-up things going on in the heads of some of Florida’s Republican voters, including picturing the Solyndra people in the Cialis bathtubs for some reason.

It took me two days to figure out this ad’s message, which I reckon is that what liberals are excited about is going to be paid for by our kids—and that would, if simply stuck to, would have made a pretty excellent ad. Unfortunately, whoever made this ad decided to throw in so much deranged Republican shit that it kind of gets buried (in particular, the references to Occupy Wall Street and Anonymous make no damn sense). The “They’re driving us off a cliff” bit at the end would be great in a separate ad, but if you’re going to do a metaphorical ad, stick to one metaphor and play it to the end.

Sure, I puzzled it out because I think about these things an awful lot—other folks, like voters, don’t, which means this ad’s opaqueness and randomness makes it completely useless.

Though Alan Grayson as a parrot does haunt my dreams…

-Here‘s some vague protest about Alabama A&M sucking.

-Aw look, they still think that the University of Alabama System’s leaders really give a fuck about what they want. It’s so darn sweet…

-Governor Dr. Dr. Robert Bentley Dr. is wussing out on his plan to eradicate Alabama’s wasteful public education system. Governor, you are missing out on a cheap labor supply that will attract corporations from around the country by refusing to do what needs to be done. Do the right thing and we could have Apple! #ReturnToGreatness

-Speaking of innovative new ways to enslave people…