BETTERS’ READING: Alabama sez, ‘We’d like more immigrants taken care of before we get married and teach no sex.’

Roger Bedford is really sorry about what he did. He just was out of it and he couldn't really see how bad his actions were going to be toward him and his colleagues. Also, he probably shouldn't have introduced that recall bill. His bad.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-A majority of Alabamians support HB56, but they also want to see changes to the state’s harsh immigration law.

Unfortunately for opponents of the bill, those changes they want to see?

More dead Mexicans.

-Hi bill sponsored by Sen. Roger “Blindy McCorruptnuts” Bedford that would allow elected officials to be recalled in Alabama clearing a Senate committee!

Bye bill that would allow elected officials to be recalled after Bedford realizes what he has done!

-All Roy Moore news is associated with Lassie because I imagine this is what talking to him is like these days:

Judge “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” says he is not worried about an independent candidate joining as a sane alternative in the race for chief justice.

That’s because he’s so fucking out of his gourd he wouldn’t notice anyway.

BETTERS’ READING: It’s too late for Alabamians to not learn how to spell ‘Lassie for Chief Jurstice.’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading this morning.

-Sorry y’all that wanted to field your own independent chief justice candidate as an alternative to Democrat Chocolate Genocide and Republican Judge THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE: Turns out the deadline passed last week by the time the voting counting was done.

But you can still write in “Poop” to the same effect as voting for either Roy Moore or Harry Lyon come this November.

-Alabama got a C- for government corruption in a new study.

Clearly, this is something we need to fix here.

As the Cockfight Family has regularly pointed out, graft is a key part of the State’s economy.

Let’s turn government into even more of a no-legged whore for our government leaders and the special interests who pay them’s casual fucking needs.

Do it for the children.

‘I’M AGAINST IT’ with Carter Cockfight #14: Showin’ ‘em how good it could be.

King Cockfight’s uncle, former Lowndes County Commissioner Carter Cockfight, plans to run for president in 2012 as part of the “NO DAMN IMMIGRATION!” Party’s ticket, campaigning on, among other things, the construction of a spiked, electrified sea-wall around Flomaton, Alabama, to protect it from invading immigrant hordes he has claimed are coming since separating from his ex-wife in 2005 after she had an affair with a Hispanic man.

Periodically, he gives a short policy speech for the readers of this Weblog.

I’M THE CARTER COCKFIGHT AND I DONE WHAT AM BACK HERE TO TELL YOU PROBABLY PIGFUCKIN’ ASSHOLES WHO DONE WHAT GONNA VOTE FOR ME WHAT I’M A THINKIN’ ABOUR RIGHT NOW. AND IF Y’ALL DONE DON’T LIKE THAT, WELL Y’ALL CAN FUCK Y’ALL’S SELVES WITH A COPY OF SOMETHIN’ BY THAT QUEEROCRAT GEORGE ORWELL.

FUCKIN’ BRITISH BASTARD GETTIN’ OFF ON WATCHIN’ ME MASTURBATE IN MY BEDROOM ON HIS BIG TV! Y’ALL’S BULLSHIT AIN’T COMIN’ TRUE, TOOTHLESS WHORE-BASTARDS!

SO SOME OF Y’ALL HAUGHTY FAG-BASTARDS ALL BEEN DONE WHAT ASKIN’ ME WHY OL’ CARTER AIN’T BEEN DONE WHAT CAMPAIGNIN’ WHILE THE ELEPHANT-FUCKIN’ REPUBLICAN WHORES WERE IN TOWN LAST WEEK.

WELL, THAT’S BECAUSE I BEEN DONE TRAVELIN’ ‘ROUND THE COUNTRY RAISIN’ MY OWN VOTERS, SPEAKIN’ AT MINUTEMEN MEETINS’ IN TEXAS, TALKIN’ WHAT WITH MILITIA MEMBERS UP IN MICHIGAN, AND HANGIN’ OUT WITH AS MANY FOLKS IN CONFEDERATE BANDANAS AND THEY TONGUE-KISSIN’ COMMON LAW WIVES AT FLEA MARKETS HERE IN ALABAMA BECAUSE I AIN’T NO FOREIGN STATE QUEER.

I BEEN SPEAKIN’ TO MY REAL PEOPLE SO WE DONE WHAT HAVE A GOOD BASE WHEN WE REALLY START CAMPAIGNIN’ ONCE THE BIG PARTY HORSEFUCKERS DONE WHAT FINISH THEIR CIRCLE-JERK.

ALSO, IF WE DON’T WIN, WE’LL RAISE UP A MILITIA AND START INVADIN’ THE CITIES!

GONNA BE LOTS OF KILLIN’!

IN AN AMERICAN CHRISTIAN WAY!

BETTERS’ READING: You could’ve had it so good, and you don’t even know.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Happy Milton McGregor Monday morning, lessers:

-People ask me: Why does the Cockfight Family hate Huntsville so much?

Well, other than the fact that we don’t like malls, cock rock, carpetbaggers with false senses of superiority, and Olive Garden, this is why.

You see, we offered to step in and save their pitiful little “Space City” theme park with a few changes that would have turned into an amusement park honoring Alabama’s greatest political family—us.

There would have been a “Roller Coaster Back to Slavery,” a “Small World” ride where you go through Hell to see the reforms Oglethorpe Cockfight has installed since fighting the Devil and becoming Infernal King (it’s what he believed when he died), and log ride that symbolized how efforts by the lessers to climb to where the Cockfights are and always shall be futilely results in the lessers falling down steeply and being splashed by a pit of likely urine-filled water.

But no, they wanted it to all be about some sort of spaceman who would drink his whore orange fruit drink and then sodomize them on the moon while driving a go-kart.

Fuck you, Huntsville.

You could had yours. And now all you get is an abandoned stump of a 1960s space-age theme park half between Madison and half between Huntsville.

Oh, and NASA and the military too.

If you’re into goofy-assed rockets and shit that flies.

Like the unemployed.

-Alabama political insiders are discussing putting forward an independent alternative to Roy “THINGS AIN’T JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!” Moore and Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon.

Look guys, I’m available, but if you want a more bankable and interested candidate in Alabama, I think we all know about who I am talking:

And since Drayton Nabers was chief justice a few years ago, it wouldn’t be the first time a very friendly, clever collie who still thinks it’s the 1950′s was atop Alabama’s courts.

BETTERS’ READING: Oh God, what have you done, Alabama?

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Roy Moore’s back.

And when you read that fawning Daily Caller piece, you know how this is going to go.

Things ain’t Jesus like they used to be.

And we dare make this into some sort of libertarian battle even though it is the complete opposite of such.

Even though Republicans, Democrats, and everybody with a brain here are embarrassed to hell and back this morning.

-Meanwhile, meet Harry “Chocolate Genocide” Lyon, the Democratic challenger Moore will surely thump to hell this fall—perhaps literally.

Mr. Lyon, however, says that reports of him being a chocolate-pouring vandal who is into killing illegal immigrants are totally false:

The fantasy story about me is totally false and only the most gullible of readers will take it seriously. It is true I was shot in the neck by a neighbor who I found out was selling illegal drugs to minors in the neighborhood and when I confronted him about it, he shot me in the neck and tried to justify it by pouring syrup on his freind’s car and was indicted by a Shelby County Grand Jury for attempted murder. After being aquitted due to an incompetent state prosecutor, he was found dead in his front yard from an apparent drug overdose. Being in intensive care for approximately one month with both my vocal cords shot out and being unable to speak, others believed Mr. Black’s story and hence the satirical article written by “anonymous”.

All right.

After posting his phone number, he then adds this:

The statements I made about the illegal immigration issue were facetious but Alabama’s newspaper writers aren’t the brightest lightbulbs in the factory, especially those who write for the Montgomery Advertiser.

Sure, obviously, you want to joke about killing people and committing genocide when you run for office. Stupid media for not getting the joke!

And I’m sure that whole “They gonna blow up the Galleria” thing was just a joke too and not at all inappropriate to say on television when running for governor.

Oh, and he is guaranteeing his election.

Mr. Moore has no chance of winning the November 6th General Election as I received over a million votes in a failed bid for a seat on the Alabama Supreme Court while Moore received 266,000 votes last night.

Clearly, both of those conditions will be duplicated on November 6.

ELECTION MORNING READING: ‘THINGS AIN’T HORSEY-JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!’

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading on this Alabama primary morning.

Roy Moore rides the only horse he can ever seem to drive down the path to Election Day.

-The traveling religious right minstrel show that is Roy Moore plans to ride horseback to his polling place today to presumably vote for himself and/or Jesus Christ for Alabama Chief Justice.

Meanwhile, Moore and Charles “Charcoal Charlie” Graddick outpaced entirely too reasonable acting Chief Justice Chuck Malone in fundraising in the last week of the race.

…

Things are about end up Jesus like they used to be, aren’t they?

Goddammit.

-SPECIAL EVENT YOU SHOULD READ BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN ORDERED TO DO SO LESSERS: Tonight, I or Cal Alabaster Jr. or perhaps some third other suppressed personality and/or intermeddling doppelganger I hate with the darkest part of my soul will be live-Weblogging the primary at Weld.

I encourage you to read and throw the foulest of tomatoes at someone, unless it’s actually me and I don’t know it. Or if it’s Cal Alabaster Jr., do throw them. Or if it’s this third person, eh, see what they have to say.

I think I ingested something awful and I don’t know who or what I am anymore.

Bad things are going to start happening soon.

Though that is normally how I feel most primary days…

-Sure, last night’s presidential candidate forum in Birmingham was the most nonconfrontational thing possible, with the ALGOP and the candidates avoiding letting a fired-up crowd ask questions that might get a little too real a little too quickly for big campaigns on the eve of election day.

But by the time he was through, Newt Gingrich could have fed that crowd dogshit out of his hand—and gotten some kickass donations for the ALGOP from those who considered it a pleasure to lick that oh-so-conservative and God-loving feces off his palm. He didn’t just bash Obama like Rick Santorum did, he bashed Obama with bombast and the slightest dash of crazy.

In other words, he spoke our political language. Something Mitt “Cheesy Grits” Romney has showed that he cannot, though the pro-business side  of the GOP has certainly always been his friend and will marshal plenty of votes to his side today.

As I am among the finest of 8 a.m. speculators in political media, I’d reckon it’s gonna be a pretty good day for Newt, which makes it an excellent day for Romney, which makes it a potentially game-ending day for Santorum.

And no one gives a flying shit about Ron Paul.

No one, dammit.

BETTERS’ READING 2012-16-2: The Galleria place is so colorblind that it can’t see.

Despite the injury-riddled end to his career, Yao Ming remains many Hoover residents' favorite black athlete.

Things people better than you worthless lessers have been reading.

-Are we really surprised that Hoover government employees cannot distinguish between Indian people—the ones who gave us Naan bread—and American Indians—the ones who gave us the gift of Bob Riley conspiracy theories?¹

When live and work in Hoover, a place without anything remotely resembling a “culture,” I would imagine it’s hard to distinguish between people who originate from different ones.

-Speaking of which, people in Hoover will be happy to know that the Hindi casino down in Atmore is doin’ just swell.

-THINGS AIN’T LITERAL JESUS LIKE THEY USED TO BE!

Next.

-You start letting them play football, suddenly they’re going to think they can get gay married.

-Now that you mention it, I have noticed less graphics depicting President Obama using a rolled up Constitution to sodomize American soldiers into being gays who commit abortions to raise taxes on Fox News.

I can see how some might be offended by that change…

-Meanwhile, over at Weld, that lying son of a bitch Cal Alabaster thinks he’s better than you just because he respects Alabama for being a place where Muslim law can never be dwarfed by make-believe Jesus law and Shadrack says don’t reach into her lady place and hit the off-switch…

____

¹American Indians are also known for being a pal and watching this whole America place when we white people weren’t using it because we totally had some Dark Ages stuff goin’ on dude. Also, they were a real pal when we started killin’ ‘em all indiscriminate like and made them get the hell out of our new pad.

Thanks for that, bros.

Owe you one?